Bài IELTS task 2 tối 17/2/2019 - HN

Question

iii,iDo you agree or disagree that celebrities are paid far too much money?

 

 

In some cities, many entertainers who are known by public on somewhere and they participate famous and luxurious places. Therefore, they have a lot of wages on short time. This essay disagrees that too high money for them. Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact another work on hospital for help people and human contrbutions to country on long time. And secondly, discuss they have not spent years at university like anyone is trying that.

Doctor, engineer or teacher. They are all doing the most important jobs in life, however they can get a monthly salary of half of the celebrities making in a day. Maybe their popularity may be worse than the other, but they deserve to better treatment than what they do. Many hospitals or schools have shabby facility is a prime example, where people need more currency to grow, instead of sending them too much cash, get it to charity.

There are people who work idly to become famous and do not to learn anything or they was born with their talent for singing or acting. They have not spent year at university. It is unfair to those who go to school properly. There are well-known for silly reasons, but they still make a lot of money just because they are famous in ways that cannot help society. For instance, my country has Chanel Youtube is Kha Banh, he has actions unlike human but people like that, so he was paid a lot of money by Youtube. What doctor or teacher never do to get that money.

In conclusion, we should pay worthy wages for those who are needed for society because the amount will reflect your real capacity

 

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Answer 1

Đầu tiên ở phần introduction, bắt đầu bằng mấy word phrase như "In some cities" hay kiểu general như vậy sẽ làm cho bạn mất điểm đó. Câu background statement của bạn cũng không cụ thể và mình thấy nó hong có mang lại ý nghĩa cho bài viết của bạn :( Với lại bạn nên hạn chế viết những câu ngắn như "Therefore, they have a lot of wages on short time." hay  "This essay disagrees that too high money for them" (đặc biệt câu này mệnh đề sau that còn không có verb => Sai grammar). Câu outline bạn nên viết chung lại một câu và diễn đạt ý ngắn gọn chứ hong nên firstly rồi secondly. 
Còn phần supporting thì bạn cũng không hề có topic sentence, có nghĩa là bài của bạn không đạt yêu cầu rồi.
Mình thấy toàn bài của bạn không đúng cấu trúc của bài writing task 2, bạn nên học thêm ở các trang ielts.