-These days, young people are encouraged to make a lot of decisions related to their future careers (số nhiều đúng không bạn nhỉ?)
-The majority of them are said (theo tớ nhớ thì the majority thì dùng is/was đấy cậu, hỏi Mr Google cho chắc nhé)
-There are certainly both advantages and disadvantages in this essay. (không ai nói thế này đâu cậu ạ, cậu có thể nói nôm na là There are certainly both advantages and disadvantages for this, nhưng tớ khuyến nghị là cậu nên chữa câu phía trước thành thế này
Though many people argue that working in lots of places and gaining life experiences isn't the best way to deal with future careers, I believe there are both advantages and disadvantages for this.)
-capacity to (mình nhớ là capacity of...)
-encourage a better work-life balance. (sao mình không dùng balance work and life để dễ xem tí nhỉ?)
-people's new occupation
In total, I highly appreciate your writing with a wide range of vocabularies and grammatical structures, however what I can see mostly in your writing is that you have a lack of 's' in many words which are in the plural form. And your idea is really good too, and don't worry about the plot inside, as that is the last one for the examiners to care about.
I love this writing. Good luck!!! Hope I help!!!