advanatages and disadvantages of using smartphones

Question

The acceleration of technological developments has made the world a great and convenient place to live in. Because of today's technology has provided various leisure options, visualization of learning content and entertainment contributes to giving people more opportunities to communicate and work together. I believe that for every advantage that technology brings us, it also has positive and negative aspects. 
First of all, smartphones are one of the most significant inventions for our in life. Because smartphones can help people keep in touch with families, friends, colleagues anytime and anywhere. Secondly, it also has considered one of the modern educational methods by using them everyone can access dictionary just by tapping the word if you don't know the meaning of the word. 
On the other hand, it is true that smartphones can help students in studies but only if they use them wisely. Most of the other students are busy keeping their eyes on their smartphones at all times then they won't get time for studying which would lead poor grades. In conclusion, smartphones are necessary for our modern lives today. However, it is helpful or not, which depends on our ways of using it. It will be better if we use its true purpose and at an appropriate time.

Answer 1

The acceleration of technological developments has made[W1]  the world a great and convenient place to live in[W2] . Because of today's technology has provided various leisure options, visualization of learning content and entertainment contributes to giving people more opportunities to communicate and work together. I believe that for every advantage that technology brings us, it also has positive and negative aspects[W3] .  [W4]

First of all, smartphones are one of the most significant inventions for our in life. Because smartphones can help people keep in touch with families, friends, colleagues anytime and anywhere. Secondly, it also has considered one of the modern educational methods by using them everyone can access dictionary just by tapping the word if you don't know the meaning of the word. [W5] 
On the other hand[W6] , it is true that smartphones can help students in studies but only if they use them wisely. Most of the other students are busy keeping[W7]  their eyes on their smartphones at all times then they won't[W8]  get time for studying which would lead poor grades.[W9]  In conclusion, smartphones are necessary for our modern lives today. However, it is helpful or not, which depends on our ways of using it. It will be better if we use its true purpose and at an appropriate time[W10]

 

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 [W1]Grammar error: must use ‘present perfect continuous’

• Has been making

 [W2]Expression sugguestion: the great world

 [W3]Expression error: Topic is ADVANTAGES and DISADVANTAGE OF SMART PHONE,  you ‘ve  written in  wrong way.

 [W4]Recommend to write introduction:

Nowaday, the proportion of people using smartphone have been increasing significantly .it bring both benefits and negatives to users. I will dicuss it in detail below:

 [W5]Expression suggestion: you almost do not know how to write at paragraph 2:

I would like to plan ideas for you at below:

1 topic sentence: Smartphone is nesseary  for most of people

2 Explain why: Education: Search and save information constantly

3: Explain why: Works: Connect people without delay time (In busines between customer and staff, in company staff to manager, staff to staff)

 [W6]Expression Suggestion: It should use consistent in task 2.

At paragraph 2: On the one hand….

At paragraph 3: One the other hand…..

 [W7]Grammar error:

• ….busy to keep their eyes

 [W8]Expression error: In IELTS writing, you must not write like this ‘ won’t’

• will

 [W9]I recommend the structure:

1 topic sentence:………………….

2 Explain why……………………….

3 Explain why………………………..

Do it by yourself then I will help to correct.

 [W10]Expression  error: You must saparate it to a single paragraph .