Writing Task 2 - advantages and disadvantages of applying technology (cellphone tracking and security cameras)

Question

With the rapid growth of technology, people somehow do not realize that they are being watched (through equipment such as cellphone tracking or security cameras) by other persons. As far as I am concerned, disadvantages of this development surpass advantages.

First of all, in terms of the government, the increase of surveillance can assist people to prevent the expansion of the crime. Public security cameras record all of what happens in specific areas to collect evidence for solving any illegal actions. For example, if there is a murder, the police can easily find out the killer with cameras' recordings. Therefore, it cannot be denied that those equipment refer useful sources of information. However, besides outstanding benefits that we can get, many drawbacks are supposed to exist.

One of the most common problems when ultilizing these kinds of modern machinery in public places to control the country’s security is that it will lead to the rise in the cost of the government. This organization obviously need to spend much money on applying the system of security cameras, then insuring or fixing them if they have any problems. For instance, after a period of time using cameras, people must pay for insuring all of the systems to make sure that it still works well. Consiquently, it results in the high expense of the country. 
In closing, as every knife has two sides, using technology to keep track people similarly has its own advantages and disadvantages. Though in my opinion, drawbacks also outweigh benefits that people can get from this development in specific extents.

 

Answer 1

With the rapid growth of technology, people somehow do not realize that they have been watched (through equipment such as cellphone tracking or security cameras) by other persons. As far as I am concerned, disadvantages of this development surpass advantages.

First of all, in terms of the government, the increase of surveillance can assist people to prevent the expansion of the crime. Public security cameras record all of what happens in specific areas to collect evidence for solving any illegal actions. For example, if there is a murder, the police can easily find out the killer with cameras' recordings. Therefore, it cannot be denied that those equipments refer useful sources of information. However, besides outstanding benefits that we can get, many drawbacks are supposed to exist.

One of the most common problems when ultilizing these kinds of modern machinery in public places to control the country’s security is that it will lead to the rise in the cost of the government. This organization obviously needs to spend much money on applying the system of security cameras, then insuring or fixing them if they have any problems. For instance, after a period of time using cameras, people must pay for insuring all of the systems to make sure that it still works well. Consiquently, it results in the high expense of the country. 
In closing, as every knife has two sides, using technology to keep track people similarly has its own advantages and disadvantages. Though in my opinion, drawbacks also outweigh benefits that people can get from this development in specific extents.

Band: 7.5

Answer 2

Writing Task 2 - advantages and disadvantages of applying technology (cellphone tracking and security cameras)[W1]

With the rapid growth of technology, people somehow[W2]  do not realize that they are being watched (through equipment such as cellphone tracking or security cameras) by other persons. As far as I am concerned, disadvantages of this development[W3]  surpass advantages.

First of all[W4] , in terms of the government, the increase of surveillance can assist people to prevent the expansion of the crime. Public security cameras record all of what happens in specific areas to collect evidence for solving any illegal actions. For example, if there is a murder, the police can easily find out the killer with cameras' recordings[W5] . Therefore, it cannot be denied that those equipment refer useful sources of information[W6] . However, besides outstanding benefits that we can get, many drawbacks are supposed to exist.[W7]

One of the most common problems when ultilizing these kinds of modern machinery in public places to control the country’s security is that it will lead to the rise in the cost of the government[W8] . This organization obviously need to spend much money on applying the system of security cameras,[W9]  then insuring or fixing them if they have any problems. For instance, after a period of time using cameras, people must pay for insuring all of the systems to make sure that it still works well[W10] . Consiquently[W11] , it results in the high expense of the country[W12] .  
In closing, as every knife has two sides,[W13]  using technology to keep track [W14] people similarly has its own advantages and disadvantages. Though in my opinion[W15] , drawbacks also outweigh benefits that people can get from this development in specific extents.

[W1]Next time, if you need or desire help from people, please do it seriouly by copying full question statement. It would help  both of us.

[W2]Vocabulary expression: we avoid this kind of word, use in task 2, because it is very normal, not suitable in IELTS writing

[W3]Expression error: => the disadvantage

[W4]Expression suggestion: it is very weird, you should use ‘ First, second, final ‘’

[W5]Expression suggestion: this point you express sercurity camera will prevent not catch criminals due to this sentence is not supported well.

• For example, petty criminals like shoplifters and pickpockets are less likely to operate in public area

[W6]Expression suggestion: My opinion this sentence is meaningless

[W7]Expression suggestion: this sentence is inappropriate, you should put into the disadvantage paragraph

[W8]Expression error: it is too long and you also made a lot grammar error.

=>despite of the advantages, there are a few disadvantages in using video surveillance that people are concerned. Firstly, secondly and finally.

[W9]Grammar and expression error:

You can not use organization replace for government, it is very strange. ‘ on applying’  => to install. You should end the sentence at here, after word ‘cameras’

[W10]Grammar and expression error: I am going to analyze in detail errors.  To refer: In additional, people have to correct and maintain sercurity devices after certain period of time.

[W11]Spelling error: you correct it by yourself

[W12]Grammar and expression error: I am going to analyze in detail errors.  To refer: Consequently the expensive of government is high

[W13]Expression error:  it is very weird to me, you should rerwrite this sentence

[W14]Grammar error: 2 verb can not stand side by side

[W15]Expression error: Never use these word at conclusion, b/c conclusion, you will summary all ideas or points