IELTS - Task 1 (Please correct my essay. I really appriciate your help) [closed]

Question

The bar chart describes about a result of a survey of theatre-goers on what they thought disturbed them in shows at the theatre.
The chart is divided into two groups, namely: artificiality and equipments irritants, the former is much higher. In the first group, the rustling sweet paper is mentioned by 90% of those surveyed with coughing, arriving late, whispering and sneezing are cited by 78%, 75%, 60% and 50%, respectively. Other irritants that are the second sub-group are  big hairdos, armrest hogging, tall people and snoring are given as 30%, 20%, 32% and 32%, respectively.
Among the equipments factors, the highest rating goes to mobile phones is stated by 50% of the sample, followed by bleeps and flash photography are quoted at 40% and 20%, respectively.

It is clear that the artificality irritants cause mainly to theatre-goers.

Answer 1

Because you did not post the task question, I have to seek on the Internet. Fortunately, I find it. I have some comments, just for reference.

- You dô not not really paraphrase the question in the introduction. The words and structure are quite similar.

- You still use wrong grammars in some places, which makes the readers find difficult to follow what you try to present.

- The way of providing numbers or statistics is of confusing nature.

- A number of words, I think, do not really match with the context. 

 

The bar chart describes about a result of a survey of theatre-goers on what they thought disturbed them in shows at the theatre.

The chart is divided into two groups, namely:  (I think it's not necessary) artificiality and equipments irritants, the former is much higher with the former being much higher (you write 2 single sentences, so I think using "with" to link two ideas).

In the first group, the rustling sweet paper is mentioned by 90% of those surveyed with coughing, arriving late, whispering and sneezing are cited by 78%, 75%, 60% and 50%, respectively (this sentence seems confusing to me, I think you use "with" out of place. If I were you I would write "while coughing, arriving late, whispering and sneezing accounts for 78%, 75%, 60% and 50% respectively").

Other irritants that are the second sub-group are  big hairdos, armrest hogging, tall people and snoring are given as 30%, 20%, 32% and 32%, respectively (long sentences but I feel confused about the way you provide numbers). 

Among the equipments factors, the highest rating goes to mobile phones is stated by 50% of the sample, followed by bleeps and flash photography which are quoted (?) at 40% and 20%, respectively.

It is clear that the artificality irritants cause mainly to theatre-goers (??)

Comments

Thanks so much. It's really helpful.

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