IELTS - Task 1 (Please correct my essay. I really appriciate your help)
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The bar chart describes about a result of a survey of theatre-goers on what they thought disturbed them in shows at the theatre.
The chart is divided into two groups, namely: artificiality and equipments irritants, the former is much higher. In the first group, the rustling sweet paper is mentioned by 90% of those surveyed with coughing, arriving late, whispering and sneezing are cited by 78%, 75%, 60% and 50%, respectively. Other irritants that are the second sub-group are  big hairdos, armrest hogging, tall people and snoring are given as 30%, 20%, 32% and 32%, respectively.
Among the equipments factors, the highest rating goes to mobile phones is stated by 50% of the sample, followed by bleeps and flash photography are quoted at 40% and 20%, respectively.

It is clear that the artificality irritants cause mainly to theatre-goers.
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Because you did not post the task question, I have to seek on the Internet. Fortunately, I find it. I have some comments, just for reference.

- You dô not not really paraphrase the question in the introduction. The words and structure are quite similar.

- You still use wrong grammars in some places, which makes the readers find difficult to follow what you try to present.

- The way of providing numbers or statistics is of confusing nature.

- A number of words, I think, do not really match with the context. 

 

The bar chart describes about a result of a survey of theatre-goers on what they thought disturbed them in shows at the theatre.


The chart is divided into two groups, namely:  (I think it's not necessary) artificiality and equipments irritants, the former is much higher with the former being much higher (you write 2 single sentences, so I think using "with" to link two ideas).

In the first group, the rustling sweet paper is mentioned by 90% of those surveyed with coughing, arriving late, whispering and sneezing are cited by 78%, 75%, 60% and 50%, respectively (this sentence seems confusing to me, I think you use "with" out of place. If I were you I would write "while coughing, arriving late, whispering and sneezing accounts for 78%, 75%, 60% and 50% respectively").

Other irritants that are the second sub-group are  big hairdos, armrest hogging, tall people and snoring are given as 30%, 20%, 32% and 32%, respectively (long sentences but I feel confused about the way you provide numbers)


Among the equipments factors, the highest rating goes to mobile phones is stated by 50% of the sample, followed by bleeps and flash photography which are quoted (?) at 40% and 20%, respectively.

It is clear that the artificality irritants cause mainly to theatre-goers (??)

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Thanks so much. It's really helpful.
Bản thân mình đọc bài của bạn thấy khá khó hiểu, bạn nên post thêm đề để mọi người xác định hướng phân tích, thêm nữa bạn sử dụng cấu trúc câu trong việc miêu tả số lượng điều này không làm nổi bật được sự so sánh cần thiết, mình thấy bạn chỉ là đọc số liệu thui chứ không thể hiện được việc phân tích dữ liệu. Tóm lại trình viết của mình cũng rất thấp nên chỉ dám nhận xét như vậy, mong bạn thông cảm nếu mình góp ý không đúng, chúc bạn ngày càng viết tốt nhé

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