Smoking is on the increase among young people. Discuss the problems and what should be done about it

Question

 

 

T rất tự ti về khả năng viết luận của mình, mọi người góp ý giúp tớ nhé

  On the threshold of 21^st century, individuals’ well being is put at hazard by the increasing prevalence of smoking among young adults. Below are main factors that contribute to this phenomenon and the potential repercussions.

     First of all, it has received widespread supports that peer influences are definitely among the root causes. Social pressure from friends often causes adolescents to do things they normally would not in order to fit in and maintain friendship. For this reason, young adults start picking up smoking habit so as not to be left out by their peer groups. Secondly, young people consider smoking as a sign of maturity. And since they are eager to assert themselves, they show no hesitation in taking up smoking to prove their ripeness. The availability of cigarette products is also a contributing factor of this problem. National laws do not mention any prohibition of cigar products so adolescents can straightforwardly get their hands on such products. And because cigarettes contain substances that induce addiction, once they have tried smoking, they can hardly resist the temptation to smoke again. More importantly, the oblivion of danger of cigarettes among youngsters is also one of the major reasons for this phenomenon.

  Admittedly, this conspicuous trend has profound effects on various aspects of life. It has already been proved by the scientists that tobaccos contain a large amount of nicotine and other perilous substances. These substances trigger high risk of lung cancer, which is currently still incurable. Smoking is also claimed to gradually degrade respiration systems. Evidence from several medical surveys has indicated that respiratory ailments account for a high proportion of mortality. As a result, smoking is believed to have fatal impacts on individual health. Smoke from cigarettes can even damage one’s vocal cord, in some extreme cases, it can pave the way to permanent mutism

In term of financial values, it is said that tobacco companies contribute greatly to national economy in virtue of heavy taxation. However, the financial loss actually falls upon the consumers, since they are the ones who have to pay a large sum of money to maintain their smoking habit. Medical treatments for diseases caused by cigarettes are also extravagant and the burdens again are put on smokers and family members.

   To counter this health problem, it is suggested that the policy makers should implement a bill which restrains the development of tobacco industry. Also, propaganda against smoking needs to be hightlighted from both governmental and individual side.

In conclusion, I personally believe that the young adults are taking up smoking habit due to social matters and lack of awareness, it seems to me that this serious health issue can be resolved by the endeavor of both government and individuals.

Answer 1

Good afternoon  ezriashipper, this is a very good essay. I can see that you have a very deep understanding of the topic as well as the vocabs used in the essay. NICE! ;). I just have some minor suggestions as following:

  On the threshold of 21^st century, individuals’ well being (this term is used economically in general)is put at hazard by due to the increasing prevalence of smoking among young adults. Below are main factors that contribute to this phenomenon and the potential repercussions.

     First of all, it has received widespread supports that peer influences are definitely among the root causes. Social pressure (influence can be the replacement, pressure seems too extreme)from friends often causes adolescents to do things they normally would not in order to fit in and maintain friendship. For this reason, young adults start picking up smoking habit so as not to be left out by their peer groups. Secondly, young people consider smoking as a sign of maturity. And since they are eager to assert themselves, they show no hesitation in taking up smoking to prove their ripeness. Thirdly,The availability of cigarette products is also a contributing factor of this problem. National laws do not mention any prohibition of cigar products, as a result, so (using so here seems like the government intentionally leave the teens smoke)adolescents can straightforwardly get their hands on such products. And because cigarettes contain substances that induce addiction, once they have tried smoking, they can hardly resist the temptation to smoke again. More importantly, the oblivion of danger of cigarettes among youngsters is also one of the major reasons for this phenomenon.

Regards,

Duong NGUYEN.

 

Comments

thank you so much, your comment is really helpful :)

Answer 2

Chào bạn,

Bạn cho mình hỏi, đây có phải bài task 2 trong IELTS không? nếu phải thì bạn nên lưu ý một vài điểm sau:

Thứ nhất, bạn viết khá dài khoảng 450 từ, mặc dù điều này sẽ không bị trừ điểm nhưng bạn sẽ khó hoàn thành bài viết trong 40 phút của task 2. Ngoài ra viết càng nhiều thì khả năng sai sẽ càng càng cao.  Mình nghĩ bạn nên rút ngắn lại khoảng 300 từ là ok rùi. Theo mình nếu bạn có nhiều ý thì bạn nên dùng những structrural và functionary vocabulary ít từ.

Thứ hai, việc dùng academic words là tốt nhưng chỉ dùng một số lượng vừa phải, và bạn phải biết chắc cách dùng  của những từ đó.

Tiếp theo là hạn chế dùng những cấu trúc phức tạp, đôi khi cách diễn đạt của những cấu trúc này không tự nhiên và lạ ngay cả đối với người bản xứ. Ngoài ra, viết cấu trúc phức tạp thì khả năng sai ngữ pháp cao hơn. Bạn nên dùng đa dạng cấu trúc như bị động, relative clause, if, cấu trúc nhấn mạnh bắt đầu bằng what chẳng hạn "What I want to emphasize is that fast foods might lead to excess calories in consumers' body".

Cuối cùng là bạn hạn chế dùng đại từ "I" trong trường hợp đề bài không yêu cầu mình cho "opinion"

Tóm lại mình nên tập viết đơn giản, rõ ràng để dễ hiều thì sẽ đạt điểm cao (vì tiếng anh không phải tiếng mẹ đẻ của mình)

On the threshold of 21^st century, individuals’ well being is put at hazard by the increasing prevalence of smoking among young adults. Below are main factors that contribute to this phenomenon and the potential repercussions. (This essay will examine  main factors as well as potential repercussions associated with such a phenomenon)

     First of all, it has received widespread supports that peer influences are definitely among the root causes. Social pressure from friends often causes adolescents to do things they normally would not in order to fit in and maintain friendship. For this reason, young adults start picking up smoking habit so as not to be left out by their peer groups. Secondly, young people consider smoking as a sign of maturity. And ("and" thường ít dùng để bắt đầu câu mới trong academic writng bạn nhe bạn nên dùng Additionally) since they are eager to assert themselves, they show no hesitation in taking up smoking to prove their ripeness. The availability of cigarette products is (bạn nên dùng modal verbs để hạn chế sự chủ quan) could be also a contributing factor of this problem. National laws do not mention any prohibition of cigar products so adolescents can straightforwardly get their hands on such products. And because cigarettes contain substances that induce addiction, once they have tried smoking, they can hardly resist the temptation to smoke again. More importantly, the oblivion of danger of cigarettes among youngsters is also one of the major reasons for this phenomenon.

  Admittedly, this conspicuous trend has profound effects on various aspects of life. It has already been proved by the scientists that tobaccos contain a large amount of nicotine and other perilous substances. These substances trigger high risk of lung cancer, which is currently still incurable. Smoking is also claimed to gradually degrade respiration systems. Evidence from several medical surveys has indicated that respiratory ailments account for a high proportion of mortality. As a result, smoking is believed to have fatal impacts on individual (human)health. Smoke from cigarettes can even damage one’s vocal cord, in some extreme cases, it can pave the way to permanent mutism.

In term of financial values, it is said that tobacco companies contribute greatly to national economy in virtue of heavy taxation. However, the financial loss actually falls upon the consumers, since they are the ones who have to pay a large sum of money to maintain their smoking habit. Medical treatments for diseases caused by cigarettes are also extravagant and the burdens again are put on smokers and family members.

   To counter this health problem, it is suggested that the policy makers should implement a bill which restrains the development of tobacco industry. Also, propaganda against smoking needs to be hightlighted from both governmental and individual sides.

In conclusion, I personally believe that the young adults are taking up smoking habit due to social matters and lack of awareness, it seems to me that this serious health issues can be resolved by the endeavor of both government and individuals.

Chúc bạn thành công!

 

Nguyễn Tính