TASK 2 CÁC BẠN GIÚP ĐỠ MÌNH NHÉ. XIN CẢM ƠN

Question

Topic Some British families decide not to buy televisions because they influence the development of the creativity of children. What do you think?

Since television was invented in the 20^th century, it has been more and more popular on a daily basis. Besides its undoubted benefits, TV has some bad influences on people from both physical and mental aspects. Thus, it is a reason why televisions do not have a position in some British families. In my opinion, television will affect children’s creativity.

To start with, the improper programs on television sometimes play negative in the growth of children. Recently, the media seems to report too much violence, crimes and pornography contents. As a result, this makes children walk on the criminal way. As children instinctively watch, imitate and follow behavours what they see, it is very dangerous for youngsters to exposure to poisonous environment like that. Totally, young users should be kept from away televisions. The best way to do it is that children do not have chance to approach television.

Besides, children easily attract the  attention to colourful and useless programs. Hence, they are willing to waste a considerable amount of their time just glueing their eyes to the screen and watching films if their parents do not supervise. It is certain that with their sedentary lifestyle, they not only suffer from diseases related to their eyes, their health but also cannot develop their brain as well as their creativity. If there is not a television at home, children have no choice but doing other activities like reading books, attending a dancing club and so on. Being active will help youngsters more creative.

All in all, taking part in useful activities is more helpful than sitting in front of TV all the time because it encourages children to think out of box. It is not necessary to own a TV in the living room. Furthermore, parents do not have concerns about bad effects on their children’s development.

Answer 1

Since television was invented in the 20^th century, it has been more and more popular on a daily basis. Besides its undoubted benefits, TV has some bad influences on people from both physical and mental aspects. Thus, it is a reason why televisions do not have a position in some British families. In my opinion, television will affect children’s creativity. (Bạn paraphrase question tốt, vị trí thesis statement và outline statement hơi ngược, tuy nhiên bạn đưa được câu thesis statement "TV will affect children's creativity)

To start with, the improper programs on television sometimes play negative in the growth of children. Recently, the media seems to report too much violence, crimes and pornography contents. As a result, this makes children walk on the criminal way. As children instinctively watch, imitate and follow behavours what they see, it is very dangerous for youngsters to exposure to poisonous environment like that. Totally, young users should be kept from away televisions. The best way to do it is that children do not have chance to approach television.

Besides, children easily attract the  attention to colourful and useless programs. Hence, they are willing to waste a considerable amount of their time just glueing their eyes to the screen and watching films if their parents do not supervise. It is certain that with their sedentary lifestyle, they not only suffer from diseases related to their eyes, their health but also cannot develop their brain as well as their creativity. If there is not a television at home, children have no choice but doing other activities like reading books, attending a dancing club and so on. Being active will help youngsters more creative.

All in all, taking part in useful activities is more helpful than sitting in front of TV all the time because it encourages children to think out of box. It is not necessary to own a TV in the living room. Furthermore, parents do not have concerns about bad effects on their children’s development.

Note: Mình nghĩ bạn xác định sai statement. Ở đây muốn nói đến television affects children's creativity, and your opinion on whether it has effect on children creativity or not. Mình thấy bài bạn rất ổn nếu dành cho topic general hơn vdu như "television affects development of children", etc. Ở đây người ta narrow chỉ focus vào children's creativity nên ý 1 và 2 của bạn gần như irrelevant. ý 3 ổn "TV is unable to support students to think out of box"

Answer 2

Mình có 1 số góp ý với bài của bạn như sau 

Ở phần mở bài, câu "hook" quan trọng nhất nêu lên quan điểm cá nhân, bạn viết chưa rõ ràng mà chỉ nêu rất chung chung là "affect children's activity". Theo mình, bạn nên viết "In my opinion, television will affect children's activity IN A BAD/NEGATIVE WAY". Bạn nên chú ý hơn vì nếu sơ ý chỗ này, bài viết của bạn sẽ bị trừ điểm rất tệ hại. 

To start with, the improper programs on television sometimes play a negative role in the growth of children. Recently, the media seems to report too much violence, crimes and pornography contents. As a result, this makes children walk on the criminal way. As children instinctively watch, imitate and follow behaviours (bạn viết sai chính tả từ này :D)  what they see  shown on TV, it which is very dangerous for youngsters to exposure to poisonous environment like that. Totally, young users should be kept away from televisions.(Bạn nên có từ nối ở đây, mình gợi ý "Therefore" :D) The best way to do it prevent those potential/risks is that children do not have chance  not to give children the chance to approach television.

Besides, children easily attract the  attention kids are easily attracted to colourful and useless programs. Hence, they are willing to waste a considerable amount of their time just glueing their eyes to the screen and watching films if their parents do not supervise (mình nghĩ cách diễn đạt này sẽ hay hơn: unless parents supervise/keep an eye on them). It is certain that with their sedentary lifestyle, they (will) not only suffer from diseases related to their eyes, their health but also cannot develop their brain as well as their creativity. If there was not a television at home, children would have no choice but doing other activities like reading books, attending a dancing club and so on. Being active will help youngsters more creative (and healthier).

 All in all, taking part in useful activities is more helpful than sitting in front of TV all the time because it encourages children to think out of box  be more active. (Bạn nên thêm từ nối vào đây nhé) It is not necessary to own a TV in the living room. Furthermore  If so, parents do not have concerns about bad effects on their children’s development.

 

Nhìn chung, mình thấy bạn nên sử dụng nhiều hơn những câu phức dài có sử dụng đến đại từ quan hệ, linh hoạt hơn trong việc dùng giới từ. Hơn nữa, với những bài viết về trẻ em như thế này, bạn nên dùng nhiều cấu trúc bị động để bài viết được chặt chẽ và tăng phần thuyết phục. Chú ý những lỗi nhỏ nhưng mà nguy hiểm và tai hại như là chính tả, viết thiếu từ, thừa từ không cần thiết nhé :D 

Trên đó là tất cả những ý kiến cá nhân của mình về bài của bạn :D Chúc bạn ngày càng tiến bộ và thành công :D 

Answer 3

Bạn chăm viết quá!

Since television was invented in the 20^th century, it has been more and more (không nên dùng more and more trong bài viết học thuật bạn ạ) popular on a daily basis. Besides its undoubted benefits, TV has some bad influences on  (câu này ko sao cả: mình recomend cho bạn câu khác đk điểm từ vựng tốt hơn: Have some profound/deleterious effects) on people from both physical and mental aspects. (Chỗ nãy mình cảm giác sai như kiểu là cái effect này nó bắt ngồn từ đâu, chứ ko phải lên cái gì nếu dùng from: mình nghĩ nên sửa lại là the physical and mental aspects of many people) Thus, it is a reason why televisions do not have a position in some British families. In my opinion, television will affect children’s creativity. (Bạn dùng nhiều từ nhưng theo mình mở bài như này dẫn quá dài)

To start with, the improper programs on television sometimes play negative (play negative roles) in the growth of children. Recently, the media seems to report too much violence, crimes and pornography contents. ( Mình nghĩ có thể đổi thành there have been a number of gratuitous violence and carnal settings on TV). As a result, this makes children walk on the criminal way. (thấy hơi phóng đại vấn đề quá :3 This may make children have wrong perception of how they behave in the real life) As children instinctively watch, imitate and follow behavours what they see, it is very dangerous for youngsters to exposure to poisonous environment like that. T( Câu này khiến mình có cảm giác bị rối, mình nghĩ thay bằng 1 ví dụ có thể tốt hơn) Totally, young users should be kept from away televisions. The best way to do it is that children do not have chance to approach television ( Hai câu này bị lặp ý. Parents should keep their offspring from away television) (Nhưng mình thấy đoạn này bị off topic mất rồi vì người ta hỏi hoạt đoạng creativity cơ mà)

Besides, children easily attract the  attention (Kids are easily attracted to) colourful and useless programs. Hence, they are willing to waste a considerable amount of their time just glueing their eyes to the screen and watching films if their parents do not supervise. It is certain that with their sedentary lifestyle, they not only suffer from diseases related to their eyes, their health but also cannot develop their brain as well as their creativity. If there is not a television at home, children have no choice but doing other activities like reading books, attending a dancing club and so on. Being active will help youngsters more creative.

All in all, taking part in useful activities is more helpful than sitting in front of TV all the time because it encourages children to think out of box. It is not necessary to own a TV in the living room. Furthermore, parents do not have concerns about bad effects on their children’s development.

Comments

Thank you Linhtt, I like your feedbacks which help me have more improvement.

Answer 4

 

 

Answer 5

Since television was invented in the 20^th century, it has been more and more popular on a daily basis. Besides its undoubted benefits, TV has some bad influences on people from both physical and mental aspects. Thus, it is a reason why televisions do not have a position in some British families. In my opinion, television will affect children’s creativity. (Bạn paraphrase question tốt, vị trí thesis statement và outline statement hơi ngược, tuy nhiên bạn đưa được câu thesis statement "TV will affect children's creativity)

To start with, the improper programs on television sometimes play negative in the growth of children. Recently, the media seems to report too much violence, crimes and pornography contents. As a result, this makes children walk on the criminal way. As children instinctively watch, imitate and follow behavours what they see, it is very dangerous for youngsters to exposure to poisonous environment like that. Totally, young users should be kept from away televisions. The best way to do it is that children do not have chance to approach television.

Besides, children easily attract the  attention to colourful and useless programs. Hence, they are willing to waste a considerable amount of their time just glueing their eyes to the screen and watching films if their parents do not supervise. It is certain that with their sedentary lifestyle, they not only suffer from diseases related to their eyes, their health but also cannot develop their brain as well as their creativity. If there is not a television at home, children have no choice but doing other activities like reading books, attending a dancing club and so on. Being active will help youngsters more creative.

All in all, taking part in useful activities is more helpful than sitting in front of TV all the time because it encourages children to think out of box. It is not necessary to own a TV in the living room. Furthermore, parents do not have concerns about bad effects on their children’s development.

Note: Mình nghĩ bạn xác định sai statement. Ở đây muốn nói đến television affects children's creativity, and your opinion on whether it has effect on children creativity or not. Mình thấy bài bạn rất ổn nếu dành cho topic general hơn vdu như "television affects development of children", etc. Ở đây người ta narrow chỉ focus vào children's creativity nên ý 1 và 2 của bạn gần như irrelevant. ý 3 ổn "TV is unable to support students to think out of box"