Chú thích: Màu xanh là cần sửa lại. [Màu đen] là đã sửa lại bạn nhé.
There is a recent controversy about investment in heath care and education is government's duty or not [Recently there has been much debate on the question whether health care and education should be subsidized by the government]. While I accept that it is responsibility of government, I also reckon that both authority and individuals are responsible for this.
In the first place, it is true that government should pay for heath care and education. To be specific, residents pay taxes annually for national budget so as not only to contribute to the development of the society but also to support their own lives [to care for people’s basic needs]. With this sum of money, government's obligation is ensuring a better living standard of people like, [including] investing in primary fields such as heath services or education.
However, it is undeniable that individuals should share this duty with the government. Firstly [As a matter of fact], with the support of residents, the burden put on national budget could be reduced, so it would not be overloaded and other spheres are more concerned [what are the ‘other spheres’? => the authority can tackle with other social issues, such as crimes, environment or social welfare]. Secondly [Furthermore], scientists have shown that the less money people pay, the more careless people are. Therefore, if they do not spend money on things they use, they will not have awareness to use that carefully and effectively [narrow down to health care & education => if medical care and education were free of charge, citizens would not appreciate the benefits and end up wasting them]. In order to cooperate closely, for example, government should invest in public hospitals and offer salary for workers in these places while individuals pay for treatment and medicine they use. Generally, cooperation is the best way to develop the world. [this idea doesn’t support the reasons why individuals should share the duty with the government => put it in another paragraph]
In conclusion, it can be affirmed that [one of the duties] of government is spending money on heath service and education. Individuals, however, also have obligation to support government.
Comments:
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Vocabulary: quite good, with some less common words (national budget, burden, obligation). However, words are not formal enough in some parts (the parts I suggest to change)
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Grammar: a variety of grammar points (the less… the more, not only …but also, if).
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Task achievement: answer quite completely the question, with sensible reasons. However, it would be better if you stated directly that ‘it is my belief that…’ for your opinion. Here in the essay, you tend to use neutral expressions like it is true that, it is undeniable that, it can be affirmed that
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Coherence and cohesion: good use of conjunctions to connect ideas. Good topic sentences.
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