Mong mọi người nhận xét giúp bài của mình? Mọi người có thể đánh giá bài của mình được bao nhiêu điểm ielts được không ạ? Mình xin cảm ơn rất rất nhiều. [closed]

Question

The table below shows the figures (in thousand) for imprisonment in five countries between 1930 and 1980.

Write a report for a university, lecturer describing the information shown below.

The bar graph compares the number of prisoners in 5 different nations for 5 10-years periods starting at 1930. Overall, there was a substantial decreasing in the countries except for US and New Zealand after 50 years.

As can be clearly seen that the greatest figures for imprisonment was in Canada in 1930, having 120 thousands. Next came New Zealand and US, achieving 100 thousand prisoners. Britain gained the smallest number, about 30 thousand people while Australia had over a half of the total number of Britain. The next 10 years, US attained the largest prisoner’s number (130 thousands) while the number in Britain remained steady However, the imprisonment in both Australia and New Zealand dropped rapidly to under 60 thousands. Canadian prisoner also declined to 100 thousands. In 1950, Canada and the US’s imprisonment rose to 110 thousands, compared with nearly 60 thousands for 3 other countries over the same years.

After 10 years, the imprisonment in the US stood at over 100 thousand prisoner, about a half of Britain the smallest. The number in Australia and New Zealand went up quickly to 80 thousand whereas the Canadian’s prisoners reduced slightly to 100 thousand. In 1970, prisoner’s number in US and Canada dropped to about 90 thousands while there was a upward trend to 80 thousands in the other nations. For the last year, the US boomed to nearly 140 thousands and Australia reduced to 40 thousands, the other nations fluctuated at around 90 thousands.

In the nutshell, the US gained the greatest prisoner’s number and the Britain the smallest.

Answer 1

he bar graph compares the number of prisoners in 5 different nations for 5 10-years periods starting at from 1930. 

Next came(following this included) New Zealand and US , achieving 100 thousand prisoners. 

Mình thấy cách viết câu của bạn khá hay, tuy nhiên bạn mắc lỗi lặp từ prisoner (convict).

Về cách viết thì bạn ghi chi tiết quá nhiều con số, dẫn đến việc rất rối. bạn chỉ cần tóm tắt lại điểm đặc biệt ở giữa đáng nói, so sánh điểm đầu và điểm cuối. Cộng thêm việc gộp  nhóm các quốc gia có xu hướng tương tự nhau.Bài viết dài như vậy sẽ tốn thời gian cho task 2.

Mình còn là beginer nên chỉ góp ý nhiêu đây thôi :p

Answer 2

 

Comments

Cảm ơn bạn đã góp ý ^^ Mong bạn giúp dỡ nhiều hơn nữa