Wrting task 2- giúp em sửa bài writing với ạ

Question

Topic: the use of mobile phones has increased dramatically in recent years.
What are the positive and negative effects of this trend?

That cellphones more and more popular in modern life and it have a large of users in the world. This essay aim to mention some advantages and disadvantages of this tendency.
It is obviously assumed that mobile phones role an important play in human life mainly because it bring the users many benefits. Firstly, cell phones is a basic tool to keep contact with friends, family, relatives, to name just a few. It is faster, convenient and easy for almost all ages. Especially, in the case, two persons live in different place with a significant geographic distance. They just pick up the phone and call to the other and they can immediately hear the voice of that person. Secondly, along with technological development, mobile phones may probably replace the role of the computers in the future simply because it is a small device but contain  many  utility applications as a mini computer. For example, if use mobile phones to apply in work or education, you can easily use it to check email, read books or even  document typing anywhere.
However, beside the positive side, mobile phones also have drawbacks. Lacking of face to face communication is the result of using cell phones. Instead of go out or dating, many citizens prefer to stay at home and use their cell phones to chat or call with the others. Using cell too much also have harmful influence for human’s health because it can rise the risk of brain cancer.
In conclusion, that cannot deny the common of mobile phones in nowadays. Mobile phones is an useful tool for all people; however, if the human misuse it too much, it is can causes many troubles for the users.

Answer 1

Bài bạn hay nhưng có một số điêu chưa ổn : 
-  positive and negative effects nhưng bạn làm phần positive dài hơn negative rất nhiều nên có vẻ chưa ổn lắm
- Instead of + Ving / Noun nhé
- Bạn nên tránh lặp lại những từ đã dùng vì sẽ bị trừ điểm về cách dùng từ đó. Từ càng nguy hiểm thì bạn có điểm về từ ngữ nhiều hơn