Pls review IELTS task 2 writing: What are the causes of children's pressures and what are the solutions? Thank you! :)

Question

Question: Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

 

My answer:

 

Juveniles are being stressed out more than ever due to increasingly selective schools and pushy parents. This essay will zoom into these two main causes and propose some measures to ease their pressures.

 

To begin with, the competition for prestigious schools is getting so fierce that kids are drawn into a non-stop race. They constantly have to compete with their peers to get in the best schools which will increase their opportunities to land well-paid jobs at reputable organizations. Sometimes kids set the bar so high they end up never being satisfied with their performance.

 

Moreover, helicopter parents are unknowingly adding to the stress of their kids. They want their children not only to stand out at school but also excel in sports, music and art in a hope to live out unfulfilled dreams through their children. Unfortunately, those born to these parents tend to live in fears of failures, or even worse, cheat to get what their parents want.Several actions should be taken to depressurised children. First of all, it's important that schools are driven by the enjoyment of learning rather than by grades, with less exams and more team-work assignments. Secondly, social organisations should organise  workshops more frequently to help kids manage their stress of study or school admissions. Thirdly, parents should let kids develop their talents naturally and respect how they want pursue their dreams. Last but not least, they should encourage to children to work hard but at the same time embrace their mistakes, failures and imperfection.

 

All in all, increasingly competitive school admissions and pushy parenting are overwhelming children and making their lives much harder. To help alleviate their accelerating pressures, families, schools and social organisations should ensure a more relaxing education system, prepare kids emotionally and give them some freedom.

 

(296 words)

Answer 1

Great work !

Mình nghĩ b nên chia phần causes và phần sollution riêng ra để mọi người đọc cho dễ hiểu. Mỗi phần nên có một câu tóm tắt ý của cả đoạn.

Answer 2

1. You wrote: ...the competition for prestigious schools is getting so fierce that kids are drawn i...

Feedback: Conjugate your verb for the third person plural: "prestigious schools are". (Non3rdPers 001)

Error type: Verb agreement error

Suggestion: prestigious schools are

 

2. You wrote: ...restigious schools is getting so fierce that kids are drawn into a non-stop race. They co...

Feedback: Use "that" for singular nouns and "those" for plural nouns. Did you mean "those kids"?

Error type: Number agreement error

Suggestion: those kids

 

3. You wrote: ...want.Several actions should be taken to depressurised children. First of all, it's important ...

Feedback: Possible spelling mistake found

Error type: Possible Typo

Suggestion: depressurized

 

4. You wrote: ... children. First of all, it's important that schools are driven by the enjoyment of learning...

Feedback: Use "that" for singular nouns and "those" for plural nouns. Did you mean "those schools"?

Error type: Number agreement error

Suggestion: those schools

 

5. You wrote: ...of learning rather than by grades, with less exams and more team-work assignments. S...

Feedback: This is probably the wrong word for this context. "Less" is the comparative form of the adjective "little". Use "less" with uncountable nouns like "energy" or "time". "Fewer" is the comparative form of "few". Use "fewer" with countable nouns like "exams" Did you mean "fewer exams"?

Error type: Less or fewer error

Suggestion: fewer exams

 

6. You wrote: ...team-work assignments. Secondly, social organisations should organise workshops more frequen...

Feedback: Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.

Error type: Miscellaneous

Suggestion: organization

 

7. You wrote: ...nts naturally and respect how they want pursue their dreams. Last but not least, they ...

Feedback: Use a TO + infinitive after "want." Revise: "want to pursue their dreams". (Infinitive error)

Error type: Infinitive error

Suggestion: want to pursue their dreams

 

8. You wrote: ...t the same time embrace their mistakes, failures and imperfection. All in all, increasingl...

Feedback: You have written a series of items, but you have not separated them with commas consistently. Consider adding a comma here: "mistakes, failures, and imperfection".

Error type: Punctuation error

Suggestion: mistakes, failures, and imperfection

 

9. You wrote: ...pressures, families, schools and social organisations should ensure a more relaxing education...

Feedback: Do not mix variants of the same word ('organisation' and 'organization') within a single text.

Error type: Miscellaneous

Suggestion: organization