Đề IELTS thi ngày 02/08/2014 - Task2: In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished? [closed]

Question

Luật của top vẫn như cũ :)

 

- Mỗi bạn sẽ post bài viết của mình lên dưới dạng góp ý (+2 point cho mỗi bài viết)

- Các bạn sẽ cùng viết, vote và nhận xét bài lẫn nhau trong Topic này.

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- Deadline: 12h trưa thứ 3 tuần sau - 5/8 - sau deadline, Topic sẽ bị đóng.

 

đề thi của tuần trước: Link

 

Còn đây là topic Task 2 tuần này:

 

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are committing more crimes. Why is this happening? How should they be punished?

 

Cùng viết, cùng chữa, cùng học hỏi nhé ^^

 

 

Answer 1

Human society is accompanied by challenges from social matters. In fact, crimes are being committed increasingly in some regions of the world from which children and adolescents are parts of criminals. It is argued that economic and political circumstances of those countries have affected directly to worsen teenagers’ behaviors and authorities have been discussing to tackle this problem.

Admittedly, a country’s development situation can affect its children and teenagers by some aspects. Firstly, the economic development of particular countries which reported as high level of crimes commitment is usually slow. The governments are not able to support their people adequately in terms of jobs, incomes and social subsidies so that they cannot raise their children effectively. Secondly, children or young people cannot afford education because of their families’ economical background therefore the comprehensiveness and awareness of them is weak. Finally, political instability, in Middle East Asia for example, causes negative effects to young people’ minds about wars, fighting and greed.

To counter this serious social problem, it is suggested that governments and authorities should improve the stability of their countries’ situations and present the practical punishment that threaten teenagers’ crimes. Presenting an effective law applying appropriately to young criminals, such as requiring doing compulsory community services or joining military, is essential. Additionally, juvenile citizens need to be educated rigorously to understand the important of being well-mannered after committing bad things. Indeed, forcing young criminals to schools for studying or job training is considered to be the most effective punishment.  As a result, it is believed that reduction in young criminals will appear.

To conclude, I personally think that the young generation is committing crimes due to the social issues. They are liable to become better for the society if they have a chance to learn and train themselves. Governments can try to change those young citizens by education and orientation instead of applying strict punishments such as jails.

Comments

chúc mừng bạn nha!!!

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cảm ơn Long Nguyen nhieu nha, cũng cảm ơn mọi người đã góp ý cho mình :)

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mình k sửa nội dung mà chỉ góp ý cách dùng từ của bài thôi. theo mình thì :
Human society is accompanied by challenges from social matters. In fact, crimes are being committed increasingly in some regions of the world from which children and adolescents are parts of criminals. It is argued that economic and political circumstances of those countries have affected directly to worsen teenagers’ behaviors and authorities have been discussing to tackle this problem.

Admittedly, a country’s development situation can affect its children and teenagers (young citizens vì trc đó bạn dùng country) by some aspects. Firstly, the economic development of particular countries which reported as high level of crimes commitment is usually slow. The governments are not able to support their people adequately in terms of jobs, incomes and social subsidies so that they cannot raise their children effectively. Secondly, children or(and)  young people cannot afford (aquire an) education because of their families’ economical background ; therefore the comprehensiveness and awareness of them ( their awareness as well as the ability to comprehend) is weak. Finally, political instability, in Middle East Asia for example, causes(puts) negative effects to (on)  young people’ minds about wars, fighting and greed.

To counter this serious social problem, it is suggested that governments and authorities should improve the stability of their countries’ situations and present the practical punishment that threaten teenagers’ crimes. Presenting an effective law applying appropriately to young criminals, such as requiring doing compulsory community services or joining military, is essential. Additionally, juvenile citizens need to be educated rigorously to understand the important(importance) of being well-mannered after committing(doing)  bad things. Indeed, forcing young criminals to schools for studying or job training(to study or train for jobs ) is considered to be the most effective punishment.  As a result, it is believed that reduction in young criminals will appear.

To conclude, I personally think that the young generation is committing crimes due to the social issues. They are liable to become better for the society if they have a chance to learn and train themselves. Governments can (should ) try to change those young citizens by education and orientation instead of applying strict punishments (penalties) such as jails (imprisonment).
_1 vài chỗ bị động bạn nên để adv trc vd như:being increasingly committed,...

Answer 2

Well, it takes me 50 minutes to produce this writing. Why does my mind always go blank when it comes to real test !!.  

 
 

It is obvious that the subject of crime has always raised concerns of both the general population and policy makers. On top of that, there is juvenile delinquency which has been turning worse and worse. In my opinion, there are certainly many reasons which have contributed to the issue and also many kinds of punishments that should be applied to underage criminals.

Apparently, it receives widespread support that lack of caring is definitely among root causes. To be clearer, living in a broken home or with over lenient parents, children and teenagers are more likely to be vastly afflicted by the surroundings. In modern societies, many materialists spend their huge amount of time on pursuing the two traditional measures of success including money and power rather than on rearing their sons and daughters. Without the care of experienced adult, young people easily run wild due to the fact that nobody teaches them what manners are misdeeds and therefore should be avoided.

As regarding the punishments, it should be the government that mainly takes the responsibility for punishing those underage people who have committed crimes. To begin with, it is definitely of significance to enforce the law system in the sense that policy makers should shrink the age of being lawfully treated as an adult from eighteen to sixteen in an attempt to reshape criminal’s perceptions. For example, if a sixteen – year – old teenager committed serial murders in Viet Nam, he should be applied capital punishment rather than only be punished with eighteen years in imprisonment. Moreover, with respect to petty crimes, lengthening the period of doing community services should be taken as an excellent practice to deter the criminals instead of forcing them passing longer custodial sentences.

In conclusion, juvenile delinquency, although being among the most difficult issues, can be invariably resolved by the consistent endeavor of both parents and the policy makers.

Comments

theo quan điểm của mình thì bài của bạn bị nhầm mất đoạn thân bài 2, vì ở đây họ hỏi những đứa trẻ nên bị phạt ra sao mà? có đúng không nhỉ.
mình cảm thấy đề này rất khó, nó hỏi tại sao trẻ em phạm tội sau đó nó lại hỏi là nên phạt chúng ra sao chứ không phải là nên tìm cách giải quyết thế nào???

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Thank you a lot for pointing out my mistake :). I would rewrite the third paragraph later.

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bạn viết khá quá, mình thi chắc chả viết đc thế này đâu mà có 50minutes mà viết ác quá trời. lúc đầu mình học còn k hiểu cơ, nhiều từ dị thật

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Mình đã edit lại rồi đó bạn. Thêm một đống từ dị nữa á, hóa ra viết punishment dễ hơn viết methods tại vì mình có vốn từ vựng liên quan punishment nhiều hơn ^^.

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bài của bạn tốt mà, sát với đề hơn bài mình phía trên T.T. 1 approach hay

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a good work, notably vocabulary

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pro thế :((. tối mình hà nội, mình viết các bạn qua tham khảo hộ cái nhá

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@Phụng: bạn ơi, lần sau bạn có sửa lại bài thì nên highlight mấy chỗ đã edit nhé, sẽ tiện để các bạn đọc khác tham khảo về sau hơn ^^

Answer 3

Mình viết chán bỏ xừ :(((((

That young lawbreakers committing offences has become one of the most problematic social issues to be taken into account by every nations. The below discussion will give some explanations for these acts of crimes and suggest ways to solve the dilemma.

To begin with, in developing countries, the poverty existing in societies causes restrictions for children to approach proper education, which results in the lack of awareness of rights and wrongs in young generation. In addition, economic burdens also demand kids’ parents to work hard to support their families. Therefore, time to taking care of and to supervise their children appropriately will be lessened. Those factors are proved to have effects on the decision to commit crimes in young offenders. Besides, youngsters raised in more industrialized economies tend to be influenced by materialism and consumerism. Hence, triggers led by inability to control their lusts and desires for luxurious goods would create willingness to commit misdemeanors.

There are several approaches to deal with this issue. Firstly, sending those young criminals to reform schools so as to re-educate them is necessary. In these reformatories, strict lessons of how to behave and warm caring for will be given so that they can realize their mistakes. Secondly, the need to have young wrongdoers work for “community service” would give them lessons learned from hardships of working and make them respects the fruits of labor, which reduce the acts of shoplifting and robbery in teenagers.

In my opinion, the need to address crime committing in young culprits should be highlighted from both governmental and parental sides. Roots of the issues such as education and care are the most important aspects to consider. Not only punishments but also opportunities to reform their lives should be given.

Comments

Câu đầu ngữ pháp có vấn đề ở từ "that". Câu tiếp đó bạn nói " ways to solve" là lạc đề
Time to taking care of and supervise :ko đồng nhất dạng từ

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1. mình dùng that.... là để tạo thành 1 clause, sau đó dùng động từ has become ý mà :D Chủ ngữ ở đây là cái clause chứ ko phải là young lawbreakers :D
2. "Ways to solve" là mình dùng từ ko đúng, mình sẽ rút kinh nghiệm, chứ paragraph 3 của mình vẫn là punishment methods :D (sending to reform schools & forcing to do community work) :D
3. Tks bạn, time to take care mới đúng :D

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Mình chỉ góp ý từ vựng thôi nha, hi vọng có ích với bạn.
1. rights and wrongs : từ này không dùng để viết trong văn formal, có những từ thay thế như well-manner chẳng hạn.
2.  In addition, economic burdens also demand kids’ parents to work hard to support their families. Therefore, time to taking care of and to supervise their children appropriately will be lessened.
-->Tớ nghĩ câu này bạn nên sửa văn phong kiểu khác thì hay hơn vì (bản thân tớ đọc) thấy không academic. Trước khi cậu đưa ra một ý khác, cậu nên dùng 1 Noun-phrase hoặc synonym với ý trước để tóm gọn nó lại, rồi mới đưa ra ý mới, cách viết ntn đạt điểm cao vì nó cho thấy sự mạch lạc trong cách viết.
3. Thật sự thì mình chưa thấy dùng từ reform school bao h, reform dùng cho economic reform, political reform, reform system. Ý là từ này dùng để chỉ hành động cải chế một thứ gì đó, nâng tầm nó cho nó hợp với hoàn cảnh hiện tại. Cậu có thể viết ntn: Juvenile criminals should be encouraged to participate in vocal training provided by government inasmuch as ...
4. Thật ra dùng my, I hay bất cứ từ nào thể hiện ý tưởng của bản thân mình đều tốt, nhưng như tớ thấy nếu thân bài ý không chặt chẽ mà cậu dùng những từ này thì điểm sẽ không cao vì nó không thể hiện dc tính học thuật. Thay vì thế nên dùng những từ khách quan khác như in the nutshell, to conclude ....
Anw, đây là ý của tớ, hi vọng giúp cậu phần nào. :D

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1. mình cũng thấy nó chưa hay, có lẽ mình sẽ dùng từ khác
2. Bạn suggest thử 1 cách sửa của bạn xem sao. Khái niệm academic thực ra còn tùy vào ý kiến mỗi ng nữa :) Bạn thử sửa chỗ đấy mình tham khảo với, chứ nói chung chung vậy thật khó dễ mường tượng :)
3. Reform school là 1 thứ bạn có thể google dc :)) Chỗ này mình xin phép ko ý kiến :)) Ko phải cái gì chưa thấy thì nó là ko có :))
4. chỗ này mình đưa ra ý kiến riêng của bản thân mà, tuy nhiên bạn nói thì mình ghi nhận

Answer 4

Viết còn kém nhưng mong mọi người cứ chém mạnh tay cho mình tiến bộ :-)

Issue related to youth crime are frequently discussed these days. It is evident that this is damaging our entire society through time. This essay will examine the reasons behind this and offer some possible measures to deal with such a heated problem.

Regarding to the reasons, I believe that those who commit crime in their developing phase do not have the full awareness about theire behaviours. It is the fact that the around environment take effects on them significantly. First and foremost, the education systems especially in undeveloped and developing nations have been showing many mistakes. For example, the teaching force do not have enough qualification to teach children knowledge, much less mentality. In addtion, with private schools in particular, their managers' main target is likely to earn profits without care about the teaching in a serious way. Secondly, parents these days have to work hard to support their families. They have to work over time or even part-time, thus, they can not take care of their children sufficiently. Finally, with the improvement of technology, the multimedia are being out of the governments' control in many countries. As a result, the youth have more chances to approach the Internet, which easily change their character negatively. For instance, violent games or unhealthy websites...are simply bad for their progression.

In terms of punishments, it is argued that there should be strong punishments for these young criminals. However, I am totally disagree with that. Placing undeveloped people in prison is never a good idea if we are to improve our lives better. I am of the opinion that because they have not grow up yet, they should be re-educated morally. Governments should pay more attention about this, build more re-education centers for those criminals especially the orphan. With regard to family, in any situation, parents have to take priority in nurture their kids. Even they could earn a lot of money, they could not have happiness if the next generations are be place in law violence punishments.

To sum up, the root of youth crime is not likely come from inside their character but the lack of care from parents and governments. Therefore, we should avoid imprisonment, find other methods to both minimize this and improve the society more and more better.

Comments

Bạn nên xem lại ngữ pháp một chút. Adverb không đứng sau Noun. Từ vựng sử dụng chưa chính xác và không đúng chỗ. Ý của bạn thì đáp ứng câu hỏi của đề bài nhưng diễn giải khá khó hiểu, và một số câu không thuyết phục. Các ý có thể dàn lại như sau: (1) Một số trẻ em phạm tội vì chúng sống trong môi trường xấu, bị bọn tội phạm lôi kéo (chứ không phải vì giáo viên không có đủ trình độ dạy học sinh, và vì mấy ông quản lý trường tư tham tiền). (2) Một số trẻ em thiếu sự giám sát của cha mẹ nên .... Sau đó mới diễn giải vì bố mẹ chúng bận kiếm tiền, ko quan tâm tới chúng (3) Trẻ vị thành niên dễ dàng tiếp cận với nhiều luồng thông tin không kiểm soát (phim/games bạo lực, sex) nên bị ảnh hưởng --> more crimes.
Đoạn giải pháp của bạn cũng hơi lạc đề, đặc biệt là 2 câu cuối từ With regard to...punishment. Không thấy giải pháp làm gì với bọn trẻ đã phạm tội.

Mình lười viết. Bạn đề nghị nên đành cố vậy. Bạn góp ý cho mình nhé.

Firstly, it is likely that children in community with high rates of crimes are at increased risk of committing crimes as compared to children residing in areas with less crimes and violence. Indeed, children are subject to be taken advantages by wicked people, thus prone to be caught up in delinquent behaviors. Secondly, children who lack parental supervision often turn to crime more than those who are under proper control of their family. Some parents spend most of the time to make ends meet, thus neglecting the adverse development of their children. Finally, children and teenagers tend to be obsessed by violent displays widely exposed on the media and especially on the internet. It is uncensored contents such as violent video games and movies that can be accessed easily on the internet stimulate the obsessed young people to commit offenses.

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Uh thanks bạn thử viết lại cho mình xem 1 số ý đó theo ý bạn cho mình rút kn với :D

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Mình bổ sung ở trên rồi. Bạn xem nhé.

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OK thanks bạn :D

Answer 5

mình đang rất thắc mắc bởi 2 câu hỏi của đề. vế đầu tiên không có gì khó, nó hỏi nguyên nhân tại sao lại thế, nhưng vế thứ 2 thay vì hỏi cách giải quyết như thế nào, nó lại hỏi trừng phạt ra sao?

mình có đọc một số bài của các bạn ở dưới, hình như bị lạc đề....

đây là ý kiến của mình cách bạn nghĩ sao

Answer 6

I'm a new member :D hope all of you help me improve on my skill

For some recent decades, more and more teenagers have got involved in various illegal activities all over the world. In this essay, I will put forward some reasons why this situation is happening and suggest how these teens should be penalized.

 

First of all, as the result of the development of high technology, teens are spending less time participating in outdoor activities which help them improve on both their physical strength and their psyche. Nowadays, the adolescents become absorded in violent games which are designed perfectly with intriguing 3D images and sounds. These games take up almost all the time of the young and might lead to the reflection in their real lives.

Second of all, the ongoing situation results from bad behaviors of the parents. The more the society develops, the more time the parents spend on their work to earn for livings. Therefore, they neglect to look after their children. Moreover, the stresses from work trigger the quarrel between spouses on unpleasant things. This causes the children’s sadness and pessimism and they are vulnerable to social evils.

 

In terms of the punishments, the teenaged criminals should be imprisoned in the restricted areas for manner recovering activities for a period of time. If the crime is extremely serious, they should be condemned to death for the others to be scared.
 

In conclusion, a nation can only develop well if it has a good foundation and the youth is one of the main factors influecing on this. Thus, it is necessary that the whole society as well as the parents to pay more attention to the youngsters.

Comments

"suggest some solutions against this" hình như lạc đề

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ồ đúng r, cảm ơn bạn, mk ko chú ý :D

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1. For some recent decades, more and more teenagers have got involved in various illegal activities all over the world.
--> More and more ổn nhưng không academic
2. In this essay, I will put forward some reasons why this situation is happening and suggest how these teens should be penalized. --> mình nghĩ không dùng chủ ngữ I sẽ hay hơn
3. First of all, second of all ... bạn nên loại hẳn những từ này nhé. Không những thiếu tính học thuật lại còn thể hiện mình bị hạn chế ngôn ngữ nữa, thử tìm những từ khác như besides, in addition, additionally, what is more ...

Hope this would help :D

Answer 7

Mong mọi người góp ý

 

 

As the crime rate is raising all over the world, human society face the dreaded fact that many more horrible cases was caused by youngster and this alarming trend does not seemed to be coming to a stop. The rooted reasons for this is clear but, unfortunately, a proper punishment for underage criminals is still a controversal issue.

 

Regarding the causes, poverty is one of the main reasons. It is explainable because the parents would have to work overtime, worry about financial problems so they become exhausted and cranky to their children. The youth is now under the pressure of being mistreated in their own houses, having to listen to harsh words everyday and naturally take a worse turn to be morose and peevish; therefore they are vulnerable and tend to commit evil deeds. The governments is also to be blamed for not being able to protect the next generation from the bad effect of crime organizations. In many places, children are being used as tool for crimes, for example, some are forced to be a link of a drug chain and have absolutely no power to resist. Last but not least is the negative effects of violent games as two 12 year-old kids was captured and accused of robbing and killing an old lady to have the money to play games in Vietnam recently.

 

Admittedly, illigal acts caused by kids are as serious and terifying as those caused by adults but we can not just put them all in prison. The most rightful thing to do is making them do compulsory community services as cleaning the street, removing the grass… They can also be forced to join a job school to learn a job and have to be a worker in the school without any salary for years depend on the decision of the judge. And criminal from the age of 16 should even be judged as adults and have to face the death sentence if the act is way too cruel.

 

Inconclusion, only the strong punishments as recommended above can somehow put an end to all this by giving a strict warning to other youngster. If we do not take action immediately and protect our children, the tomorrow world will be full of blood and misery

Comments

Hi bạn,  mình có góp ý 1 chút như sau

Đoạn intro: does not seem chứ ko phải seemed, nguyen cau do nên sửa thành does not seem to come to the end thì mượt hơn là to be coming, mình nghĩ vậy :D
Para 2: regarding to the causes ( mình nhơ là vậy) , rồi the goverments are ( của bạn là is) và ko cần to be nữa, the goverments are also blamed là đc rồi hoặc bạn có thể thêm 1 từ vào ví dụ như are also a target to be blamed. Đoạn này bạn nên thêm firstly, secondly vào câu 2 và câu 4 thì sẽ coherent hơn. Vì bạn có Last ở câu cuối
Para 3: mình thấy ổn
Conclusion thì cũng bao hàm đc bài nhưng mình thấy hơi đơn giản, còn câu cuối thì hơi bi quan quá hehe.

Nhìn chung bài bạn dễ hiểu, sát đề bài. Mình góp ý vài lỗi grammar thôi :D
Good luck !

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Cảm ơn bạn hdtuan
Bài mình dễ hiểu vậy thì là tốt hay xấu bạn nhỉ. Mình có nên tập viết cho nó lằng nhằng,  phức tạp hơn không nhỉ?

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Ko hẳn là lằng nhằng, mà bạn nên dùng nhiều mẫu câu hơn, nhiều clauses, connecting words, chỉ cần chú ý vào các linking words như firstly, next, then , therefore v,.v la bạn cải thiện được nhiều lắm. Paraphrase băng nhiều synonyms se làm bài bạn mươt hơn. :)
Bài bạn trả lời đúng câu hỏi, mình nghĩ là tốt

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bạn ơi "the rooted reasons" là số nhiều nên phải dùng "are" chứ? :)

Answer 8

Mình là thành viên mới, hi vọng được mọi người góp ý cho bài viết này :) All comments will be appreciated

The increase in the juvenile crime has raised not only considerable concern but also controversy in society. In this essay, the main objective is to point out the causes of this problem and to suggest some viable solutions.

There are several reasons why children and teenagers are committing more and more crime. Firstly, the loss of family value and commitment should be considered as the underlying root for this problem. In the modern world, parents have to spend lots of time at their work to earn enough money for their family. As a result, parents lose the chance to be friends with their children, thus making them not the people who children will turn to for advice when they face social problems. Another cause leading to this trend is the growing popularity of violent elements in the mass media. For instance, nowadays we can see many advertisements involving in gun, blood and fighting scenes, especially on the Internet. This will inevitably make children think that violence is not a serious problem that should be avoided.

How to punish people who commit juvenile crime has been a long-lasting debate. As imprisonment and fine are rarely applicable to this kind of crime, I believe community service is one of the most appropriate and efficient punishment for teenagers and children. By enforcing young people to take part in community service, not only can we make them compensate for the damage they do to the society, but also help them appreciate the value of labor. Another way of make teenagers take consequences for their wrong behaviours is to make them attend in some rehabilitation programs, especially when the crime they commit are related to drugs and alcohol.

In conclusion, factors that contribute to the increase in juvenile crimes come from both families and society. We should, therefore, consider carefully before applying any from of punishment to young offenders.

Comments

-the underlying root for this problem=> The underlying root causes of this problem...(?)
-thus making them not the people who children will turn to for advice when they face social problems
(mình nghĩ people ở đây nên nói ra cụ thể...là ai? ví dụ như thầy cô,bác sĩ tâm lý,...chứ people chung chung quá)
-Mình  nghĩ bạn chưa nói lên được cái điểm mà "nên phạt chúng thế nào"

Answer 9

Nowadays, in some areas in our world, there are many crimes, those are very young. This is serious problem and making worry about younger.

The reason why children having bad actions are education and family's care. Firstly, parents do not show their son the right and wrong things to follow. In fact, they are too busy for spending time on talk with them and sharing their emotional. That makes youngers too alone and coming bad guys. Secondly, school does not teach teenagers the hard situation in the life to help them overcome barriers in their lives. Finally, when schools and parents realize their mistakes, it is too late.

However, the problem is not punishment our children after their faults, allow them the chance to come back right way. And let's them know that is the lesson of life. Do not take them down with punishments, rise them up by our responsibility and contribution. We will volunteer for society event and study more about the truth. Giving their permition for correct the mistakes and be a good guy.

In conclusion, our son needs more help and share from school to family and we do not have too young criminal.

Answer 10

Juvenile delinquency is an extremely acute problem confronting us in contemporary society. Media, negligence of parents and unhealthy living surroundings can account for this alarming trend; hence some feasible remedies should be conducted as soon as possible.

At first, media can be considered as an underlying cause why the rate of juvenile delinquency has increased remarkably these days. That some TV programs are full of sexual alluring and bloody contents leads teenagers easily astray. Moreover, there are great advances in information nowadays, which makes more adolescents hopelessly addicted to games online that are utter waste of time and money. As a result, they will probably become less friendly and sympathetic or even more aggressive because of the detrimental impacts of violent factors in games on their behavior.

Another worrying the trend is the loss of cozy family life and unhealthy living surroundings. In fact, in the bustling life, families spend less time together and, as a result, adolescents may be abetted by bad peers in the deception of criminal activities because they do not receive sufficient guidance of discriminating between basic moral standards and evil things. Moreover, more parents have a tendency to employ corporal punishment as a main procedure in child rearing or an outlet of stress.

There are some approaches when it comes to deal with this issue. Community service should be given to children and teenagers, giving them lessons learned from hardships of working and glorious labor. Moreover, it is necessary for young criminals to send them in reform schools in order to re-educate their acts and behavior so that they can realize their mistakes.

In conclusion, it is imperative for parents to take some courses in how to nourish their children because parents play a vital role in shaping their children’s temperament. Furthermore, they should impose a strict control on the time children have access to the Internet and television.

Comments

1. As a result, they will probably become less friendly and (chỗ này hình như không hợp lý lắm...thấy thiếu thiếu chủ ngữ cho ý này...tại mình nghĩ nên ngắt ra 2 câu, với lại cái đặt sympathetic vs aggressive cũng không đúng lắm)/... sympathetic or even more aggressive because of  the detrimental impacts of violent factors in games on their behavior.

=>.. As a result, they will probably become less friendly . Due to  the detrimental impacts of violent factors in games on their behavior, the youth will be sympathetic or even more aggressive to these actions ....
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Answer 11

Mình mới tham gia nhóm ,lại lâu rồi không viết IELTS writing nên mai một nhiều.Mong ad & cac bạn bình luận góp ý để mình mau tiến bộ.Sau đây là bài của mình: (có lẽ hơi dài nhưng mong mọi người đọc hết)                                                                                                                                                                            

Nowadays,one of the most alarming issues in both developed and developing nations is that the age at which the youth,especially childen and teenagers ,commit crimes is declining.There are some reasons for this phenomenon so they need to be fully understood before appropriate actions can be taken.

To begin with,a major cause mentioned here is the social factor.Our society is increasingly affected by technological advance,resulting in teenagers’ addiction to video games and violent advertisements on television.There are more and more serious cases of murders or robberies in which youngsters are involved.Children from lower class are also subjected to illegal behaviors because of financial needs.The result is that socializing with bad guys leads them to criminal paths.

On the other hand,the loose management of parents towards their children, as well as the weak system of official education ,contributes to the issue adversely.Many teenagers can do any things they  want without permissions .Not surprisingly,they are leaders of extreme groups at schools who are likely to become attackers or robbers.Whereas,the education system only provides knowledge instead of  teaching moral lessons and how to become a useful part of society.

Because children and teenagers are not old enogh  to be imprisoned,they do not deserve severe punishments like adults.However,they need timely warnings and psychological support.If they commit a major crime,the best measure is to send them to re-education camps where they are awakened about their actions.There,they would experience the loss of freedom and gradually understand sufferings they have caused to others.A child implicated in a slight crime should be re-orientated into an honest life,so both families and schools are two vital factors in providing love,spiritual affection and tolerence instead of reproaching them

In conclusion,the reasons for this problem are rather complex .Whatever the youth do,even something wrong,they need sympathy as well as right  re-directions,not harsh punisments.

Comments

-đoạn đầu tiên,"Declining" là giảm mà ta? Mình không hiểu ý bạn chỗ này lắm, nhưng theo mình từ này không phù hợp thì phải...
-Đoạn 3, Không nên mở đâu câu = Because...

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mình paraphrase lại đề.ý là tuổi phạm tội ngày càng giảm xuống
còn dùng 'because'chưa ai bảo k được dùng đầu câu.có lẽ k đc học thuật cho lắm

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không phải là "Không được dùng" hoặc ngữ pháp sai hay gì. Nhưng thầy mình nói  là cách mở câu bằng because là khôg đúg đâu b.

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mình sẽ rút kinh nghiệm .Thank you nhiều

Answer 12

Em viết vẫn còn non tay lắm ạ. mong các anh chị chỉ giáo!

In modern society, the number of children and teenagers engaging in crimes is increasing at an alarming rate. There are several reasons for this problem, and punishment should be taken to flog young criminals.

There are several reasons why a number of children and teenagers involving in illegal activities grow today. Firstly, in modern life, parents have to sustain more financial pressure. Many mothers and fathers are too busy to earn money so that they do not have enough time to take care of their children. For example, my ant works all day, not looking after her son so that my cousin has game addiction, and he stolen his mother’s money in order to spend on playing game. Secondly, the young watch increasingly the violent films. When children and teenagers follow a film, they cannot aware of what are illegal actions in film without parents’ guide. As a result, the young tends to mimic the criminal actions of characters, leading to illegal actions in real life.

Children and teenagers are too young in order to receive serious punishments such as the death penalty and putting in prison so that they should receive educational punishments. Primarily, young criminals should do community service such as cleaning the roads and growing trees. Secondly, children and teenagers involving in illegal activities force to be sent to community centers where they are educated as serious as penalty. When the young criminals live and study in community centers, they are tightly controlled and taught how to become a good citizen.

In conclusion, there are many reasons why the young criminal rates are increasingly, and families and society need to consider how they are punished.(278 words)