IELTS Task 1 - Line graph - Rất mong nhận được góp ý

Question

Mình là thành viên mới, cũng mới luyện IELTS nên mong mọi người góp ý để bài viết hoàn thiện hơn.

The line graph compares the United States and Japan in terms of the people in each country who can not find a job from March 1993 to March 1999.

Generally, it is obvious that there are two totally reverse trends in these countries: the United States got a dramatic decline, whereas Japan experienced a remarkable increase.

At first, the United States unemployment rate was high, at 7.0%. However, one year later, decreased sharply by 1%.  Although it fluctuated over the next two years, the rate showed a downwards trend, which was at roughly 5% in March 1999.

On the contrary, Japan had an extremely low rate, just about 2.5%. In the three following years, there was a significant jump to nearly 4.5% in March 1996. Afterwards, it slighty declined, but continued to rise and got a peak at about 5.2%. Finally, it was stable at around 5%.

 

Answer 1

Xin lỗi chủ Topic, Em thử làm task 1 ở trên, anh/chị có kinh nghiệm giúp em  , cho em lời góp ý xem bài  này có đuợc 6  ko ạ.Em cảm ơn.  

The line chart give information about the percentage of people without work in England and Japan in March annual from 1993 to 1999.

It is worth noting that there are 2 distinct different ways in this nations, while UK saw a downward trend in number of unemployed, Japan tended to increasing.

To sepecify, the rate in UK started the highest rank 7% in beginning period and the statistics  decreased sharply to 5% in one later year. After  fluatuacting in during following  4 year from 1994 to 1998, it dropped about 5,2% in 1999.

In constract, Japan has a quite pattern to UK. It has a extremely low rate about 2,5% in March , 1993 but then raising dramatically just under  4% in the next  years . The number of unemployer   keeped  continuous to grow and reach a peak to 5,2%, which has the same position of England at the end of this period.

Comments

Mình góp ý một số điểm mình thấy được nhé:

1. Đề bài là US và Japan, bạn làm England và Japan --> lỗi khá nặng đấy.

2. The line chart give information about --> không chia động từ, đáng lẽ phải là gives

3. there are 2 distinct different ways in this nations --> dùng these mới đúng.

4. After  fluatuacting in during following  4 year --> sai khá nhiều, về chính tả lẫn số ít/số nhiều --> After fluctuating during the four following years.

5. Nguyên đoạn cuối bạn dùng thì Present Simple, trong khi đoạn trên lại dùng Past Simple --> rất không hợp lý. Chưa kể rất nhiều chỗ cơ bản như: It has a extremely low --> an; but then raising dramatically --> raised; in the next  years --> year.

Với những lỗi trên thì mình nghĩ không được 6.0 đâu.

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Cảm ơn bạn :)