Task 2_ Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are equally responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

Question

      In the modern society, it is generally believed that negative behaviors have become more popular to children's life. Although some people may argue that families and schools should share equally responsibility, I strongly disagree with this view to solve the problem. 

        Parents are the biggest influenced people in educating children. First, they spend the most amount of time with their children in terms of their eating habits and actions. If families are ideal models for the child by making nutritious food and doing exercises, the young children may be likely to live healthily. Besides, being caretakers, parents can guide their children to helpful advices in daily life routine. Thus, they can address effectively to change unhealthy activities of children.

    On the other hand, schools, in which teach pupils to academic and elementary knowledge, instruct them in communication skills, team buildings and social skills. Therefore, educating systems may not be responsible for managing harmful lifestyles of pupils. Also, teachers may have less amount of time to keep an eye on individual child than parents do; hence, they gain no control about what children eat and play in schools. 

     To conclude, I reaffirm that only parents can convert the spirits and behaviors of children. As closet caregivers, parents can do better than schools regarding to children's habits. 

Answer 1

children's life -> children's lives (plural)
share equally responsibility -> bear the same responsibility

you don't need to say "to solve this problem". Only "I stronly disagree with this view for some main reasons" is okay.
it's better to use a range of synonyms of children, such as students, teenagers, adolescent, youth in order to show the reader that you gain a vast array of vocabularies.
they spend the most amount of time => they spend much time 
From my point of view, the phrase "in terms of" you used in this circumstance is not very clear 
In terms of stands for what aspects of the subject you are talking about or how you are thinking about it
you should say "they spend much time on taking care of their children's habits (what do you mean actions?????)
the following supporting ideas seem to be confusing and so general without examples or particular experiences. Therefore, this could lead to the loss to comprehend your essay
In the 2nd paragraph, how can you conclude that schools won't take any responsibility for students???
One possible suggestion should be indicated in the conclusion
That's all my comments. Thanks for reading
 

Comments

Many thanks to you @quangluongphan :)
What I mean is "habits and activities", not "actions". And the following supporting sentence is actually my example. Sorry for letting you confuse.
In the 2nd body paragraph, I just write  "may not" be responsible and it is my idea. I think the examiners not care abt what are candidates' ideas, but they care how candidates can express ideas. Anw, I highly appreciate your recommendations!!  Tks!

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alright. Btw, in case of wanting to express more clearly, abstract and particular ideas are more essential than your personal experiences so be careful of this.
One more thing I'd like to point out is that your essay contained 215 words (<250 words) - in accordance with my copy to microsoft word. Hence, this could result in the decline of your mark (maybe minus 1)

Answer 2

" influenced people"  ---> influential people

"daily life routine" ---> daily routine

To conclude ---> "In conclusion"

In the sentence "families are ideal models for the child", I think we should use singular form of the word "family" instead of plural form because in this sentence because you want to say about the responsibility of family UNIVERSALLY.  

I think we have a grammatical error in this sentence "  On the other hand, schools, in which teach pupils to  academic and elementary knowledge, instruct them in communication skills, team buildings and social skills."

It should be "On the other hand, in school, teachers usually teach pupils (do not use 'to' here) academic and elementary knowledge, instruct them in social skills such as communication and team building ".

teach someone to do something / teach someone something

in my judgement, the arguments which are used in your essay are kind of ambiguous, and they cannot persuad reader. I think that you should concentrate on one/two idea(s) and give some example. Furthermore, I think you should use more complex sentences in your essay, which is recommmended by most of IELTS preparation intructors.

All of the above is just my opinion, I hope that yout will find them useful. Thanks for reading.

Comments

Hi @geniusvlg,

My teacher also tells me the serious gramatical errors as you pointed out. I will improve in my next essays better combining more complex sentences. By the way, thanh you for your recommendations! :)

Answer 3

In the modern society, -> in modern society

children's life -> childern's lives

share equally responsibility--> share equal responsibility

 the biggest influenced people-> the most influential people.

First, they spend the most amount of time with their children in terms of their eating habits ..... healthily ??? -> câu tối ý hic :( nhưng spend time/ money on..

Besides,--> câu trước dùng first -> chuyển sang second.

can guide their children to-> guide sb through st 

helpful advices -> advice là danh từ ko đếm đc-> advice

daily life routine -> daily routine

schools, in which teach pupils to academic and elementary knowledge, --> where pupils can get...

team buildings and social skills. --> buildings???