Band Score : 6
At present, the growing technology results in the changes of ways people interact with each other.( lặp từ đề )This differentiation creates both positive and negative impacts in society and also affects the sorts of relationships people make.
The social relationships between people are established by confronting communication. However, now along with the development of technology, humans interact with each other by many ways. By using smart-phones or other advanced robotics devices, users can contact with their friends, relatives and colleagues easily, even they can see speakers by means of web camera. Typically, in working places, employees can work well without mutual interaction of their partners. Workers only need to use individual computers with internet access to exchange business information and discuss intensively their projects by applying hi tech ( hi-tech) tools, which activities are extremely convenient. In addition, thanks to linking technology (punctuation ) : (khúc này không có dấu "phẩy , " làm đọc cực kỳ khó) humans’ productivity is increased rapidly, they generate more outstandingly valuable products than their ancestor did.
On the other hand, this development also creates ( từ kém : generate , is responsible for .... ) several severe influences for humankind’s community. Firstly, when communicating through applied science, people will be less talking face-to-face with each other and doing exercise than they did in the past. That (Dùng sai : It , these , such matter ...) will impact seriously their health. Because in this kind of conversation, many people do not need to go outside to meet their friends and relatives, they only sit down on a chair and focus on the screen of technical appliances to talk to their invisible friends. The situation of obesity in young generation will rise more quickly than multiple people thought. Secondly, in case of no more talking directly to other people, soft skills in relation to communicating skill and gesture using skill will be descended day by day.( từ kém : consequently , progressively ....) More seriously, many students are ingrained by using violently technical instruments. Of course,( từ kém : Obviously , Therefore ....) the consequences will be unbelievable when such students manipulate whatever they are taught in those appliances in reality.
As long as achievements are generated by humans’ creativity, there is very useful if people apply them accurately, and technology is too.( từ kém : as well, additional ...) When people take advantage of its positive functions, such hi tech devices will activate and promote users’ careers. And ( Search google : FANBOYS ) the opposite side, technology will destroy human beings’ lives tremendously.
Overall :
-Bài viết của bạn thể hiện vốn từ vựng rất rộng và less common words , tuy nhiên lặp từ còn nhiều ( hi-tech , friend , relatives( LR : 8 )
-Bài viết khá mạch lạc tuy nhiên ở Conclusion nói quá chung chung, sẽ tốt hơn nếu bạn nêu được luận điểm của mình thay vì viết " ba phải " như vậy ( CC :6) . Khi chấm IEltS , examiner sẽ chấm Introduction và Conclusion trước để xem quan điểm của bạn là gì , 2 body chỉ là phần support .Vì vậy thay vì bạn " chăm chút" cho 2 bodies , thì bạn nên dành thời gian để higlight cho 2 đoạn kia 1 cách kỹ lưỡng
-Bạn chưa show được sự phong phú về Grammar ( Đảo ngữ , Future, Past tense , .....) cũng như dùng sai từ cũng nhiều lắm ,toàn từ trọng tâm chấm điểm mới đau chứ. Từ đầu đến cuối cứ S+V+O ( GRA : 5)
-Bài dài quá 336 words ( TR : 7 -1 )
Good job, You should not worry too much about abovementioned mistakes because these are neglegible . Keep practise and study more for better achievement . Where there's a will ,there's a way