Overall, your essay makes a lot of good points. Because you made the effort of emailing me which I appreciated, I will give you very honest and somewhat ruthless feedbacks. Apologies in advance.
A couple of things that you could improve: (1) Have a thesis statement at the end of the introduction to explicitly say what side you support; (2) Try to avoid using "if" statement because it weakens your argument (my English teacher taught me this. On IELTS test, it's probably still ok, but it's a good writing habit to adopt); (3) At the beginning of each paragraph, have a topic sentence that summarises what that paragraph is about overall. It makes the structure a bit clearer; (4) Firstly, secondly... are often used in sequence to support the same idea, not to present contradictory statement; (5) I'm a bit confused. What is your position? Do you support free education? The question explicitly asks what you think/ believe. It's important to actually address that question and answer it in a straightforward manner. Without stating your position in the intro and repeat it in the conclusion, the essay feels a bit weak.
I hope my feedbacks help.
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It is obvious that education is the key to improving national economy. At first glance, it seems difficult to draw a definite conclusion as to whether or not offering free education to students is beneficial since it has both benefits and drawbacks. In this essay, I would argue that... (need a thesis statement here to tell the readers what your point is).
Some people argue that there are justified reasons for government to sudsidise university education for students. Firstly, it cannot be denied that free education can contribute to a rising living standard. When people receive higher education, they tend to have good jobs and handle life problems well. Additionally, free education could preserve talents. There have been circumstances where people with great capability in certain area cannot fulfill their potentials because of financial constraints. Their contribution to the community, therefore, is limited. Hence, a country can tap into its talent pool and build its economy by supporting tuition free university education.
However, it is difficult to improve the standard of education without public contribution. Without receiving an income from charging their students, universities might not invest in themselves and boost their teaching quality. Consequently, this will lead to a continuing decline of education facilities and make the country less attractive for international students. Furthermore, this proposal could lessen the importance of education. Students might lose interest in studying when universities do not charge them money. A recent study has shown that a financial burden induces people to perform well. Without it, they have a tendency to be out of discipline and intent disturb others (which study is this?)
In conclusion, it is essential to provide people with great potential in their fields financial support when neccessary through the form of free education. Nonetheless, students might feel disincentivised, as they do not need to contribute to their university (conclusion too short and unclear what the writer wants the readers to take away)