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Question

Em là thành viên của web tienganh123.com. Mới đây em có viết một bài essay với topic trên đó và đã được chấm 9/10 điểm với lời nhận xét của giáo viên mà em cho rằng chưa rõ ràng, còn chung chung và khái quát quá. 

TOPIC: Our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born and there is nothing that can be done to alter our characters traits. To what extent do you agree? 

Bài làm của em 

People often are judged by their appearance. Besides, in fact, personality is the true factor which form a good or bad person. It is belived that our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born. In addition, there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. From the perspectiveof mine, I not only agree with the formal statement but also believe that people’s character traits can be altered by some factors as below.

A study shows that our heredity seems to have effect on the course of a person’s characteristics. For instance, a family in which formal generation has natural-born on literature, the following generations, alternatively, seems to have tendency for inheritability from it. Therefore, the personality of the child will be formed based on the ideal characteristics of their parents.

Since we were child, family’s members had played an important role as they discipline us, trained us to be a nice person. Parents have been kept caring for child cautiously, simply because children receive lessons from adults without perceptiveness which can lead to influences on them. Thereby, the more young people brought up in a decent, well-educated family, the more mature of a person they become. Secondly, society is considered as a factor which has the ability to alter our character traits, too. As you have known, community brings people useful experiences about lives. Still, due to bad-effective society, there are a group of people who were initially nice and decent but is is nevertheless liars or thiefs they became.

People themselves need to be aware of every bad influence. Personalities depends on society and life situation; therefore each person have to stabilize the good characteristics and perfect themselves to organize a good society.

 

 

Bài này em có dùng từ điển dịch từ tiếng Việt sang tiếng Anh nên em cho rằng câu từ sẽ không mạch lạc hay không ăn nhập với nhau. Em cảm ơn anh chị nhiều ạ! 

 

Answer 1

Để cựu giáo viên bên đó chấm cho em nhé.

People often are judged by their appearance. Besides, in fact, personality is the true factor which form a good or bad person. (thừa, không ăn nhập)) It is belived that our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born. In addition, there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. (paraphrase có nghĩa là phải tìm được các synonym hoặc các cách diễn đạt tương tự với các thành phần chính của 2 câu này; chứ không phải chỉ thêm vào 1-2 conjunction) From the perspective of mine, I not only agree with the formal statement but also While I agree that..., I also believe that people’s character traits can be altered by some factors presented as follows below (kiểu nói này khó được coi là dành cho IELTS).

A study shows that our heredity seems to have effect on the course of a person’s characteristics. For instance, a family in which formal generation has natural-born on literature, the following generations, alternatively, seems to have tendency for inheritability from it. Therefore, the personality of the child will be formed based on the ideal characteristics of their parents.

Since we were child, family’s members had played an important role as they discipline us, trained us to be a nice person. Parents have been kept caring for child cautiously, simply because children receive lessons from adults without perceptiveness which can lead to influences on them. Thereby, the more young people brought up in a decent, well-educated family, the more mature of a person they become. Secondly, society is considered as a factor which has the ability to alter our character traits, too. As you have known, community brings people useful experiences about lives. Still, due to bad-effective society, there are a group of people who were initially nice and decent but is is nevertheless liars or thiefs they became.

People themselves need to be aware of every bad influence. Personalities depends on society and life situation; therefore, each person hasve to stabilize the good characteristics and perfect themselves to organize a good society. (câu này lủng củng quá) (đây có phải câu kết không, sao chả thấy chốt gì cả) (ví dụ: In conclusion,...)

Comments

Em cảm ơn ạ!

Lần này em không dùng 'In concusion' hay tương tự thế mà chỉ viết kết bài bình thường vì cứ nghĩ mọi người dùng hoài rồi, mình dùng nữa sẽ không hay @@

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In conclusion, it seems to me that... là kiểu kết luận đơn giản nhất, dễ nhớ và dùng cho đa số trường hợp. Tội gì mà không dùng.

Về Viết em nên ra ngoài học chứ gửi lên trên tienganh123 chấm thì hơi khó vì hồi trước anh phải chấm theo định mức bài, không chấm kỹ được đâu.

Answer 2

Mình cũng làm bài viết này bên tienganh123, giáo viên chấm điểm cũng sơ sài quá. Các bạn xem thử và nhận xét bài viết cho mình được không ạ, mình cảm ơn!

It is a known fact that the main difference among individuals lies in their personalities. Some people believe that our personalities are shaped by our genes and hard to be changed. As to me, I agree that genes are possible to create the character traits but I don’t vote for the idea that nothing can alter them because there are more outside factors contributing to establishing our characters.

Through the centuries, surrounding environment has often dominated people’s idea about what affects psychological well-being. Actually, researchers from Edinburgh University affirmed that genetics were most influential in people’s sense of self-control; social and learning abilities; and sense of purpose. For example, there is a big genetic difference in people’s abilities to restrain themselves and persist with things when they got difficult and react to challenges in a positive ways.

In addition, it is clear that there are more factors including cultural factors, social factors and situational factors, etc. give an excellent modification for our traits.

First of all, it is showing that each person belongs to a culture that has a strong attachment to the daily life so that people are easily impregnated with these traditional values to establish their own features. For example, patriotism – a good cultural value to Vietnamese – goes deep into their mindset; as a result, many generations sacrificed themselves to protect and build this peaceful country.

Besides, social factors such as family; school; and friends; etc. are realized to create some alternations to our behaviors. While it is undeniable that family is the primary school taking responsibility of nurturing and preparing everything for kids to step into the outside society, schools are dedicated to making sure a harmoniously social environment through teaching knowledge, skills and morality. Moreover, friends become an important factor ranking second after family to shape children’s characters. By the same token, the way how children think and behave everyday mainly depends on these aspects.

Finally, several situational elements play a small part in completing people’s character traits. In other words, certain repeating situations give people experience and habit to react. For example, your job as a businessman turns you - a guy has no idea about drinking wine – into professional drinker through many partner conversations and business contracts.

To sum up, both genes and outside environment determine people’s personalities. The most important thing is that whether people self-control among different environments to choose the right ways for their own or not.

Comments

Em xóa 2 comment của em và ra lập topic mới đi. Cứ post đề và câu trả lời lên như các bài khác.

Answer 3

People often are judged by their appearance. Besides, in fact, personality is the true factor which form a good or bad person. It is believed that our personalities are predetermined as a result of our genes before we are born. In addition, there is nothing that can be done to alter our character traits. From the perspective of mine, I not only agree with the formal statement but also believe that people’s character traits can be altered by some factors as below.

A study shows that our heredity seems to have effect on the course of a person’s characteristics. For instance, a family in which formal generation has natural-born on literature, the following generations, alternatively, seems to have tendency for inheritability from it ( chỗ này lấy ý kiến hơi cá nhân, bạn nên chọn các ví dụ có nghiên cứu,hoặc số liệu). Therefore, the personality of the child will be formed based on the ideal characteristics of their parents.

Since we were children, family’s members had played an important role as they disciplined us, trained us to be nice citizens. Obviously, Parents have been kept caring for child cautiously, simply because children receive lessons from adults without perceptiveness which can lead to influences on them. Thereby, the more young people are brought up in a decent, well-educated family, the more thoughtful they become. Secondly, society is considered as a factor which has the ability to alter our character traits, too. As you have known, community brings people useful experiences about lives. Still, due to bad-effective society, there are a group of people who were initially nice and decent but is is nevertheless liars or thiefs they became.( chỗ này trình bày ý không rõ rang, bạn nên phân tích có mấy factors có thể alter personalities)

People themselves need to be aware of every bad influence. Personalities depends on society and life situation; therefore each person have to stabilize the good characteristics and perfect themselves to organize a good society.( Nên sử dụng nhiều từ nối)