People tend to believe that all young should undertake a period of unpaid work for the good of the community. Do you agree or disagree? [closed]

Question

There is a contention in some circles that all young should work free of charge for non-profit organizations and the community or not. In my opinion, working without reward brings many benefits. Thus, in this essay, I will present my ideas to support this matter.

From the one hand, opponents of this point out that there are some shortcomings. Nowadays, the young are not aware of the benefits of charity activities, they are always lazy and tired if they have to do volunteer. By way of illustration, most of university students in Viet Nam are not willing to spend amount of their time on helping the poor such as serving a breakfast, lunch or dinner to the orphanage, hanging the lamplight on the wall or building their house, roads,  to name but a few, to help the needy people in rural areas. This activites would probably hard for student nowadays.

On the other hand, my initial point to support volunteerism is that it is the most effective methods to gain realistic experiences, improve the soft skills to subsidiary my future workplace. In other words, it is important for schools to put the awareness into students after graduating. Because after graduating, they will be more free, so they get used to the lazy period. Besides, working with others and interacting with people from all social backgrounds which help them enhance their team-work skills, problem-solving and communication skills.

The second reason why this issue is supported upon is the development of a young worker’s motivation to help others without payment because the young people have the tendency to be selfish, they always think of themselves first before others. Thus, in the long run, the social cohesion is rebuil and distrust among people may be reduced.

 In the final analysis, although the reasons mentioned above might convince that there are may be existent disadvantages in this issue, its advantages are still more important to human life. It not only helps improve the community but also themselves

Answer 1

Câu mở đầu mình nghĩ nên đơn giản thế này:

It is said that all young should work with no charge for a period of time for the good of the community. I personally agree with this statement and strongly believe that this brings many benefits.

Một số lỗi mình thấy và vài câu lủng củng mình viết lại:

On the one hand, it is noticeable that there are some shortcomings.

Nowadays, the young are not aware of the benefits of charity activities, they are always lazy and tired of volunteering. => câu này hơi negative quá, vì sự thật là chỉ một phần giới trẻ có nhận thức như vậy thôi, không phải tất cả, thế nên mình nên chỉ là a number of youngster hoặc some young people. Theo mình được khuyên thì không nên viết tiêu cực quá, nên bạn chú ý nha :D 

By way of illustration (mình chưa nghe câu này bao giờ nên thấy hơi lạ và lủng củng), most Vietnamese students are not willing to spend amount of their time on helping the poor such as serving a breakfast, lunch or dinner to the orphanage, hanging the lamplight on the wall or building their house, roads,  to name but a few, to help the needy people/underprivileged people in rural areas. -> thật ra câu đánh dấu vàng mình nghĩ hơi thừa, vì ở trên bạn đã nói "helping the poor such as..." rồi. 

On the other hand, my initial point to support volunteerism  (câu này hơi dài dòng, nên đơn giản hóa ví dụ như "It is obvious that", "I believe that") is that it is the most effective methods to gain real life experiences, improve the soft skills to support future career.

In other words, it is important for schools to put the awareness into students after graduating. Because after graduating, they will be more free, so they get used to the lazy period. => ý bạn là nhà trường nên khuyến khích học sinh làm thêm, tình nguyện để lấy kinh nghiệm, đặc biệt là khoảng thời gian sau khi ra trường đúng không? Theo mình: To be honest, I also think that it is important for schools to encourage their students to do volunteering jobs, especially after graduating from school, when they seem to have more time to spend. 

The second reason why this issue is supported upon is the development of a young worker’s motivation to help others without payment because the young people have the tendency to be selfish, they always think of themselves first before others. Thus, in the long run, the social cohesion is rebuil and distrust among people may be reduced. => Một lần nữa, ý này hơi negative, mình nghĩ bạn nên dùng các cụm từ như "một phần", "một số" để giảm bớt sự tiêu cực! 

Còn vài chỗ mình nghĩ cần sửa nữa, nhưng hiện tại mình không đủ thời gian để cmt tiếp. Đây là ý kiến cá nhân của mình. Mong ý kiến của mình có thể giúp đc bạn nhaa :D ^^  

Comments

Mình cảm ơn bạn nhiều, Mình sẽ cố gắng sửa... :)
À cụm "By way of illustration" =  for example đó bạn :)