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    The graph provided reveals the consequnce of a survey conducted by a personnel management at a major company.At first glance , it is apparent that both experince considerable fluctuations.

    For people aged from 18 to 30, it is pretty noticeable that the main factor affecting work performance is the chance for personal development, recording approximately 90% and the lowest one is the work enviroment with only virtually 30%. The factor of promotion prospects, relaxed working enviroment and money reveal high numbers that showing a significant 70% to 80% while a range of 30% to 60% are generated for team spirit, competent boss, job security, respect from colleagues and job satisfaction.

    Moving on to the people aged from45 to 60, money was the biggest proportion with a soaring 70% which was almost three times as big as that of lowest percentage.This is followed by team spirit, competent boss, promotion prospects and job satisfaction with numbers ranging from 40% to 60% whereas the rest of 4 factors exhibit 20% to 30 %.

    Looking close, it can be observed that the highs and lows of both people aged from 18 to 30 and 45 to 60 have very unequal disproportion.

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Mình học lớp 10, có gì sửa sai anh chị góp ý giùm nhé!!!

The graph provided reveals the consequne (consequence)  of a survey conducted by a personnel management at a major company(not paraphrasing.Ex: The bar chart demonstrates factors of work as a percentage that staffs are influenced when performing at an important company).At first glance , it is apparent that both experince ( what do you mean) considerable fluctuations.( where are details and significant point? Ex.Generally,both types of workers ( 15-30 aged people and 45-60 aged people) witnessed a significant difference in each factor, which normally affected mid-aged group less than another)

    For people aged from 18 to 30 (With the people aged from...), it is pretty noticeable that the main factor affecting work performance is the chance for personal development, (no comma) recording (dropping) approximately 90% and the lowest one is the work enviroment with the percentage only virtually is 30% ( It's quite ok. Ex: With the people aged from 18 to 30, chance for personal development affecting the most with approximately 90%,which is as triple as the least factor -work environment). The factor of promotion prospects, relaxed working enviroment and money reveal high numbers that showing (showing) a significant (significantly) 70% to 80% while a range of 30% to 60% are generated for team spirit, competent boss, job security, respect from colleagues and job satisfaction. (it's ok.There's another word : remained factors ( including team spirit,competent boss,.....))

    Moving on to ( another word : Turning to) the people aged from45 to 60, money was the biggest reason with a proportion with a soaring 70% which was almost three times as big as (which was drammatically three times as common as  that of lowest percentage(details???).This is follower (what do you mean?)by team spirit, competent boss, promotion prospects and job satisfaction with numbers (proportion,the amount) ranging from 40% to 60% whereas the rest of 4 factors exhibit (experienced) 20% to 30 %.

    Looking close, it can be observed that the highs and lows of both people aged from 18 to 30 and 45 to 60 have very unequal disproportion (In conclusion, it can be seen that nine per ten reasons influencing the work behaviour of 15-30 aged group more than the 45-60 aged group)

Comment and Improvement: Less comparisons between groups and factors .Grammar mistakes.Not paraphrasing and having no trend. I think you wrote the same structure in paragraph 2&3, try to summarise question's statement and vary sentences more.

Good luck. Here is my facebook account whether you'd like to get in touch with me: Do Huan. Avatar: LA city.!

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cảm ơn nhiều nhé!

góp ý của em rất có ích ^^
chỗ " This is follower" sửa đúng phải là "This is following" nhé anh/chị

cảm ơn em nhé. em có thể góp ý giúp chị bài này không?

many countries nowaday have been seeking to transform agricultural lands into industrial zones. do you think this change is beneficial more than it is harmful?

 
In the comtemporary world, there is a growing tendency, among many countries to change agricultural lands into industrial zones. While the benefits of changing cannot be disregarded, i believe that the drawbacks outweigh the merits.

      To start with, seeking to transform agricultural lands to industrial zones for personal purposes is disadvantages in two ways.primarily, it contributes to polluted enviroment which is a insoluble problem in each of developed countries, especially, the speed of pollution is extremely quick within only a decade starting developes industry. In the other hand, this transformation can be detrimental to people's health caused by inevitable emissons of exhaust fumes in the factory to the atmosphere thus leaving people and other living things with no choice but to breathe in toxic air. To illustrate, China is a case in point, it is showing that many children suffer from congestial defect and many people take mask as almost all time. Actually/ this consequence caused by living in polluted enviroment which effected heavily.

     Despite the benefits however, there are some certain benefits that can be dirived from changing agricultural land to industrial zones. A side from this, developing industry is the main supply money in the economy in order to have more business opportunity. Furthermore, with the development of technology, automatic machines are invented which is a intelligent method to brought back a lot of profit to company as well as. An excellent example would be my brother's company  applied the automatic machines which is less time-consuming and workforce. Unfortunately, with the help of technology in the world of developed industry, the amount of unemployed people is increasing in the recent years, as regarde polluted enviroment and people's health, govement have now been discussing, however, there is no signal which is satisfactory.

    To put it briefly, people need to be aware of the positive to transform agricultural lands into industrial zones althought I still determinedly believe that, on the whole, such development have extremely effected to enviroment day by day.
 

 

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cảm ơn em nhé. nhưng em có thể giúp chị sửa bài này không. chị phân vân quá

many countries nowaday have been seeking to transform agricultural lands into industrial zones. do you think this change is beneficial more than it is harmful?

 
In the comtemporary world, there is a growing tendency, among many countries to change agricultural lands into industrial zones. While the benefits of changing cannot be disregarded, i believe that the drawbacks outweigh the merits.

      To start with, seeking to transform agricultural lands to industrial zones for personal purposes is disadvantages in two ways.primarily, it contributes to polluted enviroment which is a insoluble problem in each of developed countries, especially, the speed of pollution is extremely quick within only a decade starting developes industry. In the other hand, this transformation can be detrimental to people's health caused by inevitable emissons of exhaust fumes in the factory to the atmosphere thus leaving people and other living things with no choice but to breathe in toxic air. To illustrate, China is a case in point, it is showing that many children suffer from congestial defect and many people take mask as almost all time. Actually/ this consequence caused by living in polluted enviroment which effected heavily.

     Despite the benefits however, there are some certain benefits that can be dirived from changing agricultural land to industrial zones. A side from this, developing industry is the main supply money in the economy in order to have more business opportunity. Furthermore, with the development of technology, automatic machines are invented which is a intelligent method to brought back a lot of profit to company as well as. An excellent example would be my brother's company  applied the automatic machines which is less time-consuming and workforce. Unfortunately, with the help of technology in the world of developed industry, the amount of unemployed people is increasing in the recent years, as regarde polluted enviroment and people's health, govement have now been discussing, however, there is no signal which is satisfactory.

    To put it briefly, people need to be aware of the positive to transform agricultural lands into industrial zones althought I still determinedly believe that, on the whole, such development have extremely effected to enviroment day by day.
 

 

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Em chỉ có thể sửa IELTS task 1 thôi chị à....IELTS task 2 em k có đủ trình độ để viết & sửa nữa!

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