Mình học lớp 10 nên có gì sửa sai, anh chị góp ý giùm nhé.
The given charts illustrate seven different reasons for grown-up people going to school and their opinions on how the cost of this education should be shared.(I think you had nice introduction.However, you did not summarise it.Ex: Generally,the highest portion of studying's reason is interesting in subject,which is accounted for 40% of total,over roughly four times compared to the least-Opportunity for getting to know each others.Moreover,the most common adult's point of view about the cost should be shared is paying individually (40%)
It can be seen clearly from the first bar chart that the chief reasons why adults choose to have education are because of their interests in subject and their demands for obtaining qualification(another word: gaining qualification), at 40% and 38% respectively. Meanwhile, there are 22% of adults who find studying is benificial to their current career. Other reasons to for continue studying are due to promotion prospects and learning enjoyment (another word: Passion of studying) at 20% for both. Only 12% and 9% of adults who consider studying as an opportunity to change their jobs and to meet people. (It's ok. I think you should make comparison between reasons of studying more.For example: the reason about education is essential to current job is opposite to being able to change job.Ex:While twenty-two percent of adult people decide to study as it is essential and helpful to thier jobs at the present,in contrast,just 12% percent of people tending to find another jobs)
Furthermore (I am not sure about this transition in the begining of graph), the percentage of people who believe that the cost of each course should be shared individually is about 40% , while 35% of others think that employer ought to pay for the tuition fees as well. The remaining (25%) is provided by taxpayer.(That's nice, another way for having data alterd.Ex.One in four percent of people's opinion-which is the least-is taxpayers have thier duties to share each course' cost)
Comment and Improvement:Grammar mistake, Not summarising,having no conclusion and less comparisons.Try to change the way to process document 's figure such as 40%=two in five ( "Son Lato" was right for saying so)... etc.However,your transitions are quite great.
Good luck. Here is my facebook account whether you'd like to get in touch with me: Do Huan. Avatar: LA city.!