Bài xin góp ý - Đề IELTS writing task 2: Family relationship
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"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies lead on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up. To what extent do you agree or disagree?"

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My essay:

Families play a key role in our lives. It is not only the place where children are born and brought up but it is also the craddle which  every single first lesson of being a human is taught.  However, it is argued that motherhood is more important than fatherhood because of the idea that women are in charge of having babies, so that they should take responsibility for the way their offspring is raised as well. I am firmly against this opinion, from my point of view, mothers and fathers both have strong implications on their kids and it is momentous to have both people take part in teaching children.

On the one hand, women are able to take care of juniors much better than men because of their warm-hearted personality and their impressive patience. Not only is their character admirable, but it is also beause they are the Mothers who born the children, therefore, it can easily be realized that the female is very crucial to the youngster's development. Moreover, in some families, men are seemed to be less patient and a little more violent, which can not suit the young.

On the other hand, there is a lot of evidence which can prove that father can do a lot of work for children that women are unable to do. For example, fathers are able to teach their sons how to get a girl or reveal them the secret of being a real man, a good brother and the best father. In addition, it is difficult for a family to live contentedly without the investment of man's brain. It is strongly believed that if the mother show her love by a kiss or a hug, the father expresses his feelings by the actions contributed to the family. Despite the fact that he is the one who have babies, his influence can be denied.

All in all, it is factual that fatherhood and motherhood should be in balance. Because the father and mother have interactive relationship with their own babies, it is the responsibility of both of them to have a fair care and love for the children.

 

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It is not only the place where children are born and brought up but it is also : not only...but also: phia sau no giong nhau nha ban, not only di voi n thi but also cung vay

Doc cai bai cua ban no sao sao a'k......kho giai thich dc

sau their + so nhieu: thay ban k co

roi tu nhien ban la keu mother voi father nen can bang

Ban viet hay, nhung minh k biet no co lac de ko nua

Van phong cua minh viet ko bang ban, nhung minh thay chua thoa man cau tra loi cua de bai

hic

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Families play a key role in our lives

Mình nghĩ là Family thôi vì chắc ý bạn ở đây nói về gia đình (nói chug)

so that they should take responsibility for the way their offspring is raised as well

Bỏ "is" thì đúng hơn khi bạn giản lược mệnh đề

 to have both people take part in teaching children.

thế này thì hay hơn "to have both join hands (lift a finger) to teach children"

hơi nhiều lỗi ngữ pháp thì phải :)

Ps: nếu bạn không đồng ý thì feedback cho mình với nhé, cùng nhau trao đổi mà smiley

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thanks bạn :3

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