TOEFL Independent Writing- Some people prefer to live with a lot of money, some people want to live a simple life with enough money. What kind of life would you choose?

Question

Among 9 billion people living on Earth nowadays, there are a lot of people following one lifestyles while others choose the different ways to live. Some people want to be affluent,: They want to make as much money as they can and they think money is the ultimate goal of their lives. Some may want to live a simple but comfortable enough: They think living with money is not crucial as living with a happy soul. Each of these lifestyles has distinctive features that make them unique, and there are a lot of reasons why some choose one way but others choose a different one.

For many people, money is the goal- the biggest goal that they are willing to achieve no matter what cost they have to pay. In their perspectives, money serves as a tool for a premium life with luxurious amenities and entertainments. Money can be a symbol of richess, fortune, and affluence. For the people who crave for making money, they regard money as a solution for everything in life, and that is true to some extent. You want to buy a new Ferrari? Money has it done. You want this beautiful mansion with pools and a park nearby? With money it will be yours. You want to pay for expensive meals every night in high-end restaurants? Not a big deal if your wallet is big enough. Money is such an addiction to many people that without it, their lives will be miserable and depressing.

For some people, however, they want no more than a simple but comfortable life. In their opinion, money is an important asset, but they would rather live in a humble life without too much money than be addicted to money everyday. They regard money as a tool to improve our life in a simple way, not in a fancy way with luxury and superfluous things. These people try their best to live as happily as possible regardless of the dependence on money, and their lives are a lot more simple than the lives of money-craving people out there.

In my perspectives, money is a great thing. It can buy you any tangible thing in life and help you in a lot of things that need to be dealt with money. However, hankering for money means you are enslaved to it; as you will find yourself constantly looking for money, trying to figure out the way to make the most money out of everything possible. if you only seek to earn money without having a sound and happy mind, you lose the biggest goal that people have to achieve: Happiness within yourself. If you try to earn money, you will never be satisfied of the money you have, and you will keep trying to earn more and more. Until the end of your life, when you realized that you should have spent time making you happy and making your life comfortably happy, it is already too late. Making money is important, but we should never forget to live frugally with what we have and feel happy about it. Money does not last forever, but happiness does.

For a conclusion, I think we should learn to live a comfortable life without the greed of money. Money can buy you cars, houses and a lot more, but it can not buy happiness. Living comfortably without the addiction of money is always the greatest thing of our lives.

Answer 1

1. "the different ways"--> wrong. Maybe "different ways".

2. "These people try their best to live as happily as possible regardless of the dependence on money"--> so dissension. You can change: " These people try their best to live as happily as possible without money".

3. "hankering for money means you are enslaved to it"-->seem like a mistake. "Hanker "goes with "after".

4. "trying to figure out the way to make the most money out of everything possible". I think "figure the way out" is true, "make more money as you can" is better.

Some above ideals of me is contributing. Thanks for reading.

Comments

Thank you for your feedback, I have carefulyl examined your corrections and I have come up with some corrections as well

1) I agree with it, adding "the" is redundant.

2) I understand where you come from, but I don't understand what you mean by "dissension". Does it imply a contradiction in the meanings of that sentence or is it something else? If you mean contradiction, in conjunction with what you correct in that sentence, I think the problem simply comes from my unorganized thought at the time I wrote this. I agree with your correction, but I want to make it as "....without relying on money" or "....without being dependent on money".

3) "Hanker" can also go with "for+ V-ing". I think I was right in this sentence.

4) "Trying to figure out the way" means "Trying to find the way", so I think there is nothing wrong with that. I also used the superlative comparision to imply the most amount of money you can make regardless of the method. But grammar-wise I think it was not well constructed. I think it can be corrected into "as much money as possible". Your correction is nothing wrong, but I would prefer to be a bit more cohesive.

Again, thank you for your dedication. Looking foward to seeing your reply soon.

Tony