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Question

Em chào mọi người. Anh chị và các bạn kiểm tra bài này giúp em với ạ..Em cảm ơn cả nhà.

Đề: every year several languages are dying out. some people think that this is not important because life will be earsier if there are few laguages in the world. To extent waht do you agree or disagree?

 

It is argued that the disappearance of some languages can make people’s life more difficult , while others believe that the diversity of languages are likely to positively contribute to human cultures  and economic development. I strongly agree with the later for following reasons.

it is clear that there are a wide variety of benefits in maintaining languages’ existence. Firstly, a number of languages and diversity of traditional cultures can  promote national identity image and  attract tourists  of a country. Some countries which are rich in cultures and traditional customs can strengthen political and economic relationships with other countries by organizing cultural exchange activities and festivals as well as enhancing their national image in the world. Also, thanks to the diversity of traditional cultures and ethnic languages, they can encourage  thousands of international and domestic visitors to spend their budget on local products and services of a country. Vietnam, for instance, due to the promotion of ethnic traditional customs  and tangible and intangible values in mountainous provinces for tourists , this decision  stimulates to greatly invest in local infrastructure system and create jobs for people in those areas.

Furthermore, when a community has different languages, they feel a sense of pride and satisfaction about their countries and ancestors. Although  a variety of  languages in the world may lead to conversational barrier and conflict, this are likely to show the richness of literatures and poems. People around the world can widen their knowledge and accumulate language skills because textbooks and scientific research papers are published in various languages .

In conclusion, there are many advantages of having different languages in the development of a country in the globe.

Answer 1

It is argued that the disappearance of some languages can make people’s life more difficult , while others believe that the diversity of languages are likely to positively contribute to human cultures  and economic development. (Some people think that the disappearance of some languages can make people's life more difficult, while others believe that it is the diversity of languages that are likely to positively contribute to human cultures and economic development.) I strongly agree with the later for (the) following reasons.

 

Note: Bạn sử dụng từ "traditional" hơi nhiều. Nên paraphrase nó đi. Ngoài ra đầu bài hỏi về language chứ không hỏi về tradition, nên nếu bạn nhắc tới tradition nhiều quá sẽ dẫn tới lạc đề.

it is clear that there are (is) a wide variety of benefits in maintaining languages’ existence. Firstly, a (the) number of languages and diversity of traditional cultures can  promote national identity image and  attract tourists  of (for) a country. Some countries which are rich in cultures and traditional (long-established) customs can strengthen (their) political and economic relationships with other countries by organizing cultural exchange activities and festivals as well as enhancing their national image(s) in the world. Also, thanks to the diversity of traditional (time-honoured) cultures and ethnic languages, (as) they (*) can encourage  thousands of international and domestic visitors to spend their budget on local products and services of a country. Vietnam, for instance, due to the promotion of ethnic traditional customs  and (as well as) tangible and intangible values in mountainous provinces for tourists , this decision  stimulates to greatly invest in local infrastructure system and create jobs for people in those areas. (**) (=> greater investment in local infrastructural system could be stimulated, and more jobs could be created for local citizens in those areas)

(*): Nếu không có as, "they" ở đây mình không biết là ám chỉ cái gì. Cả vế trước của bạn thanks... nó chỉ đơn giản là trạng ngữ chỉ lý do trong câu.

(**): Lỗi tương tự như (*), "this" thay cho cái gì?

=> Những lỗi này sẽ ảnh hưởng tới điểm cohesion & coherence của bạn. Với bài này, điểm cho sự mạch lạc rơi vào tầm 6.

Furthermore, when a community has different languages, they (may) (cautious language) feel a sense of pride and satisfaction about their countries and ancestors. Although  a variety of  languages in the world may lead to conversational barrier and conflict, this are likely to show the richness of literatures and poems. (Additionally,)People around the world can widen their knowledge and accumulate language skills because textbooks and scientific research papers are published in various languages .

In conclusion, there are many advantages of having different languages in the development of a country in the globe.

Answer 2

It is argued that (Some people think that) the disappearance of some languages can make people’s life more difficult , while (or "on the other hand") others believe that the diversity of languages are likely to positively contribute to human cultures  and economic development. I strongly agree with the later for following reasons.

(*) Bạn sử dụng từ "traditional cultures/ traditional costums" khá nhiều. Điều đó dẫn đến sự lập từ, nó sẽ hạn chế điểm số của bạn và hơn nữa bạn sẽ có thể sẽ bị lạc đề. Để bài viết thuyết phục hơn theo kinh nghiệm của mình bạn nên đưa ra một số example vào.

it is clear that there are a wide variety of benefits in maintaining languages’ existence. Firstly (or Actually), a number of languages and diversity of traditional cultures can  promote national identity image and  attract tourists  of a country. Some countries which are rich in cultures and traditional customs can strengthen political and economic relationships with other countries by organizing cultural exchange activities and festivals as well as enhancing their national image in the world. (khi bạn sử dụng từ nói câu dạng liệt khê "Firstly" thì ý tiếp theo bạn phải thêm "secondly/thirdly.../finally")

(**) Bạn nên dùng nhiều từ nối câu hơn để lời dẫn văn của bạn từ câu này qua câu kia, từ đoạn này qua đoạn kia được mạch lạc hơn...mình xin gợi ý cho bạn một số từ dẫn (moreover - afterward - in addition - nevertheless - in contrast - unfortunately - as a result...)