topic: benifit of using smart phone , cac pro gop y giup a

Question

      Nowadays, science and technicality are developing. Some people want to use good equipment and it contributes a lot of benefit for their life. Using smart phone, It has many advantages such as contacting with other people connecting the internet and making reduce stress.

     They can contact with many people. In fact, they always communicate with their family, friend and other people quickly that they don’t  need see face. Firstly, they are able to make call. It is useful for some students study far from their house. When they miss their family, they can make call to talking with their parents. If they have a bad situlation, they can share their felling with their best friends such as joys as well as sorrow. Also, they can use smart phone to sent massage from congratulation to happy birthday or happy new year. In addition, some people usually check mail from their smart phone. It’s easy. They have the ability to check massage of mail  from their friend, family or company. Shortly using smart phone to contact whenever and wherever is simple.

      Some people connects internet from their smart phone to search information. Indeed, doing so, they can improve their knowledge. For studying, reading online book is very popular. It helps them save money better than buy a new book. Internet has great knowledge for their study, so they can to find everything. For example, when they study writing skill in English, they connect internet to download letters, sample sentences, structure sentences. For working, worker should upload information to working effect. They usually find information about financial, economic, society, so on. Briefly, connect internet from their smart phone is necessary for modern life.

      When hard working and studying, they can use smart phone to reduce stress. Listening to music is the best way to relax. It helps them fell more comfortable. Insides they can watch films that they are like it. In their free time, they can play games. Camera of smart phone also brings beautiful picture. When they go to travelling, they can take photograph with their friend, family. It’s fun and interesting.

       In conclusion, using smart phone is very important. The user it will have the best material and mental life. We can use it to make anything and it’s smart, so it is used spear-wild in the world.

 

 

 

Answer 1

 đây là góp ý của mình:

bạn mắc khá nhiều lỗi plural dẫn đến mất khá nhiều điểm grammar: equipments, smart phones , friends, 

 

Nowadays, science and technicality are developing. Some people want to use good equipments and it contributes a lot of benefits for their life( lives). Using smart phones, It has many advantages such as contacting with other people , connecting the internet and making reduce stress. (theo mình học trong phần mở bài bạn không nên nêu rõ advantages) 

intro chưa sử dụng những từ ngữ academic. 

some people want to use -> some people tend to use 

good equipment -> technological advances

     They can contact with many people. In fact, they always communicate with their family, friends and other people quickly that they don’t  need see face. Firstly, they are able to make call. It is useful ( không sai nhưng chưa đc hay lắm -> it is beneficial for)  for some students ( some students ở đây la O ruj bạn không thể viết nhu 1 sentence dc nên sữ dụng mệnh đề quan hệ) study( studying)  far from their house. When they miss their families, they can make call to talking( talk)  with their parents. If they have a bad situlation, they can share their felling with their best friends such as joys as well as sorrow( không hiễu rõ lắm) . Also, they can use smart phones to sent massages from congratulation to happy birthday or happy new year. In addition, some people usually check mail from their smart phones. It’s easy. They have the ability to check massage of mail  from their friend, family or company. Shortly using smart phone to contact whenever and wherever is simple.

câu topic chưa ấn tượng lắm mặc dù viết theo phong cách đơn giản but bạn viết như vậy la quá đơn giàn rồi

lỗi plural quá nhiều

mình thấy bạn đang viết theo cách word by word có lẽ bạn sử dụng từ điển việt anh nên câu không được trôi lắm 

mình cũng đang học nên không thể chỉnh sửa nhiều cho bạn nhiều được và có thể có nhiều chỗ sai sót

      

Comments

thanks bạn nhiều, tai mình khong nhieu tu vung, va khong su dung tu dien, nen viet theo cam nghi.. cam on ban da nhiet tinh gop y. ^^

Answer 2

Bởi vì trình độ mình cũng kém nên mình không có nhận xét gì nhiều về bài của bạn, nhưng mình có một số góp ý nhỏ như thế này:

1. Đây là một bài academic writing và bạn nên coi nó như bài văn nghị luận bên tiếng Việt vậy. Mà đã là nghị luận-academic writing thì bạn không nên dùng they ở hầu hết các câu như trên, nghe vừa nhàm chán do lặp đi lặp lại, vừa không thuyết phục. Bạn có thể tùy vào trường hợp mà đổi thành people, children, students, etc.

2. Tốt nhất bạn nên nêu một vài khuyết điểm của việc sử dụng smart phone ở đoạn body đầu tiên, sau đó rồi ca ngợi blah blah... Như vậy sẽ thuyết phục hơn là một bài luận toàn là advantages.

3. Một số lỗi nhỏ:

Some people want to use good equipment and it contributes a lot of benefit for their life. Using smart phone, It has many advantages such as contacting with other people connecting the internet and making reduce stress.

it của bạn ở 2 câu trên hơi tối nghĩa.

In fact, they always communicate with their family, friend (thêm s) and other people quickly that  (even when) they don’t  need see face. (can't see their faces)

Firstly, they are able to make call. (thêm s, tương tự câu sau)

If they have a (in) bad situlation (situation)  they can share their felling (thêm s) with their best friends such as joys as well as sorrow. (tối nghĩa)

massage -> messages

mail ->mails

smartphone -> smartphones

Shortly using smart phone to contact whenever and wherever is simple. (tối nghĩa, có thể chuyển thành: In short, using smartphones makes it much more simple to contact, whenever and wherever.)

Some people connects internet from their smart phone to search information. (có thể chuyển thành use the internet available in their phones)

It helps them to save money better than buy a new book.

Internet has great knowledge for their study, so they can to find everything. -> The internet provides us a great amount of knowledge for our studying.

For working, worker should upload information to working effect...  -> Workers are able to get information online and that affects the quality of their work in a good way by...

picture -> pictures

spear-wild -> widely

the user it -> their user (vì là smartphones)

Nói chung bài bạn lỗi thiếu s rất nhiều.

4. Bạn dùng cú pháp ...V_ing ..., they... quá nhiều trong khi đây là một cấu trúc yếu. Nên tham khảo các mẫu câu có sẵn trên IELTS Simon nếu không viết được những câu có cấu trúc chặt chẽ, đều là các mẫu câu có ích cả.

Thân.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

nhung loi nhan xet cua ban rat hay, thanks ban nhieu^^