Question

Some people believe that government money should be spent on important things rather than arts such as painting and music. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

Arts have currently become a leading concern of the government. However, some people argue that the government funds should be invested in the vital fields instead of arts. Personally, I do not partly advocate this viewpoint due to two of the primary reasons.

First of all, it is undeniable that the arts are one of the most important cultural symbols of the country. Over hundreds of years, the continuous development of arts has left the society a massive number of valuable artworks, ranging from stunning paintings to ecstatic melodies. These works of arts are thought to be a feasible way to not only promote the iconic image of the country but also introduce its cultural characteristics to the world. Therefore, it is essential that this type of culture should be preserved from oblivion.

Secondly, the arts have a remarkable contribution to the economy of the nation. For instance, if the value as well as the attraction of arts is in decline, there will be a dramatic decrease in the annually number of tourists. The basic reason is that besides sightseeing a variety of scenic landscapes, the tourists may desire to learn arts, such as by visiting art galleries or concert halls, as a priority to discover the culture of the country. Thus, tourism, which is one of the major sources of income for the country, is likely to be affected directly and disastrously.

In conclusion, for the reasons stated above, I reaffirm my position that the arts should have the conservation campaigns as well as the appropriate investment of the government owing to their cultural and economical benefits. 

Answer 1

For instance, if the value as well as the attraction of arts is in decline, there will be a dramatic decrease in the annual number of tourists.

 

Comments

thank you :)

Answer 2

The basic reason is that besides sightseeing a variety of scenic landscapes, the tourists (mình nghĩ để là tourists nói chung thôi, không có the) may desire to learn arts, such as by visiting art galleries or concert halls, as a priority to discover the culture of the country. 

Ngoài ra b dùng từ the arts hơi nhiều, b có từ khác thay thế cho đa dạng không, ví dụ như artistic heritages hay artful objects chẳng hạn.

Comments

thank you :D

Answer 3

Đây là những góp ý của mình

Nhìn chung mình thấy bạn có nền tảng tiếng anh tốt, bạn dùng từ đúng ngữ cảnh và khá hay
Mình nhận xét đoạn 2 nhé, dù cho bạn có khả năng tiếng anh tốt tuy nhiên nếu bạn ko biết cách phát triển ý và support tốt thì mình nghĩ ko thể đạt band cao được
Secondly, the arts have a remarkable contribution to the economy of the nation. For instance, if the value as well as the attraction of arts is in decline, there will be a dramatic decrease in the annually number of tourists. The basic reason is that besides sightseeing a variety of scenic landscapes, the tourists may desire to learn arts, such as by visiting art galleries or concert halls, as a priority to discover the culture of the country. Thus, tourism, which is one of the major sources of income for the country, is likely to be affected directly and disastrously.
Câu topic là art có nh~ đóng góp cho nền kinh tế...mình nghĩ câu này rất hay, tuy nhiên đoạn này theo mình bạn support cho ý này ko tốt
Câu ví dụ tiếp theo, mình đọc cảm thấy nó ko ăn nhập gì với câu topic cả, chỉ dừng lại ở chỗ nếu art giảm thì khách du lịch giảm... bạn nên nói luôn trong câu này là   nó dẫn đến cái gì...tiền nong giảm đi gì đấy..sử dụng which results in chẳng hạn

Câu tiếp theo cũng vậy, bạn support cho cái ví dụ trên mà mình đọc cảm thất ko thuyết phục, cái chính là ko thấy bạn nêu lợi ích ra...bạn nên nói rõ là tiền nong, thu nhập, việc làm thế nào...Thêm nữa, example nên đi với effect, result...bạn ko nên giải thích lý do cho cái example..nó là bằng chứng
Bạn nên bám sát vào câu topic là contribution to the economy để phát triển các câu của mình
Câu cuối cùng là câu kết luận lại, bạn nên thay bằng câu tác động, kết quả của du lịch tới nền kinh tế
Mình suggest một số ideas cho bài bạn như sau:
Art có đóng góp to lớn cho nền kinh tế
Vì art thu hút 1 lượng lớn khách du lịch tới đất nước, điều này làm tăng thêm việc làm, thu nhập cho người dân
Ví dụ, nước pháp thu hút rất nhiều khách du lịch mỗi năm do sự nổi tiếng về văn học và nghệ thuật pháp
Kết quả, nếu art ko được đầu tư xứng đáng, những lợi ích to lớn nó mang lại sẽ bị lãng phí

 

Comments

hi , thanks you so much for your highly meaningful comments :D. Sure am I that your advice will help me improve how to develop ideas coherently. Hopefully, I will receive your advice on my later essays. :D

Answer 4

Arts have currently become a leading concern of the government. However, some people argue that the government funds should be invested in the vital fields instead of arts. Personally, I do not partly advocate this viewpoint due to two of the primary reasons.

Câu 1 ý thì tốt nhưng có vẻ hơi đơn giản.

gạch 2, other fields mình nghĩ là hợp lý hơn vital fields.

partly ở đây không hợp lý.

this view là cái nào trong 2 cái này? Ý là the latter view?

because of the two following reasons mới đúng.

 

First of all, it is undeniable that the arts are one of the most important cultural symbols of the country. For over hundreds of years, the continuous development of arts has left the society a massive number of valuable artworks, ranging from stunning paintings to ecstatic melodies. These works of arts are thought to be a feasible way to not only promote the iconic image of the a country but also introduce its cultural characteristics to the world. Therefore, it is essential that this type of culture should be preserved from oblivion.

Bắt chước 1 bộ phim, define arts, chỗ này là số ít/ số nhiều và dùng art hay arts?

Chỗ này mình phân vân, không biết nên là not only to và but also to hay để to đằng trước.

gạch: Mình thấy cuối đoạn 1, 2 các bạn hay viết câu cuối kiểu irrelevant như thế, nên tránh vì những câu này thường rất hay bị off topic.

 

Secondly, the arts have a remarkable contribution to the economy of the nation. For instance, if the value as well as the attraction of arts is in decline, there will be a dramatic decrease in the annually number of tourists. The basic reason is that besides sightseeing a variety of scenic landscapes, the tourists may desire to learn arts, such as by visiting art galleries or concert halls, as a priority to discover the culture of the country. Thus, tourism, which is one of the major sources of income for the country, is likely to be affected directly and disastrously.

Có từ nào khác ngoài art không nhỉ?

Mình thấy bạn dùng nhiều the quá! Từ này chỉ nên dùng khi 1, đã đề cập trước đó, the government of Vietnam => the government funding là hiểu nhau ngay, hoặc 2, buộc phải có the như the Earth. Ở đây art có thể chung chung, không cần the.

Nếu vế trước có be in decline (cụm này hay) thì ở vế sau nên dùng this, consequently, leads to the fall of tourists.

Câu ví dụ tiếp theo theo mình là quá dài, hiệu quả không cao. It is because, foreign visitors have a tendency to... (thưởng lãm nghệ thuật gì đó).

Sau câu cuối, có lẽ nên thêm 1 câu nữa, cụ thể là 1 ý nữa liên quan tới economy, mà muốn như thế thì ở câu thứ 2 ngay sau câu topic sentence, cần sửa thành: To begin with, thay vì For instance.

 

In conclusion, for the reasons stated above, I reaffirm my position that the arts should have the conservation campaigns as well as the appropriate investment of the government owing to their cultural and economical benefits.

Mình sợ là cái xanh là một vấn đề khác với đề bài cũng như đoạn Mở Bài.

Từ have có thể đổi thành deserve?

Comments

thank you so much :D

Answer 5

Investment in arts has currently become a leading concern of the government. However, some people argue that the government funds should be invested in the vital fields instead of arts. Personally, I do not partly advocate this viewpoint due to two primary reasons.

First of all, it is undeniable that the arts are one of the most important cultural symbols of a country. Over hundreds of years, the continuous development of arts has left the society a massive number of valuable artworks, ranging from stunning paintings to ecstatic melodies. These works of arts are thought to be a feasible way to not only promote the iconic image of the country but also introduce its cultural characteristics to the world. Therefore, it is essential that this type of culture should be preserved from oblivion.

Secondly, the arts have a remarkable contribution to the economy of the nation. For instance, if the value as well as the attraction of arts is in decline, there will be a dramatic decrease in the annually number of tourists. The basic reason is that besides sightseeing a variety of scenic landscapes, the tourists may desire to learn arts, such as by visiting art galleries or concert halls, as a priority to discover the culture of the country. Thus, tourism, which is one of the major sources of income for the a country, is likely to be affected directly and disastrously.

In conclusion, for the reasons stated above, I reaffirm my position that the arts should have the conservation campaigns as well as the appropriate investment of the government. 

Answer 6

tớ thấy nhìn chung ý tưởng bài bạn khá tốt, sử dụng từ ngữ cũng linh hoạt. Nhưng có một chú ý như the tourists/ for the a country