Sửa dùm mình Task 1 Writing

Question

The graph indicates the difficulties people have when they move to the new country and how the problems vary according to their ages. Overall, the biggest problem for people aged 18 to 34 is earning money, whereas taking care the health is the most difficult with the people in two remaining age groups. In addition, the percentage of people aged 35 to 54 who have difficult to arrange healthcare is slightly higher than the others. 

As the graph shows, the rate of problem for organizing finances represent under 33% and 35% in the 18-34 and 35-54 age group, whereas people aged 55+ are easier than others in this problem with around 28%.

Meanwhile, the greatest problem of people aged 35+ who finding medical care is more than 35%, while the figure for the youngest age group just over 30%.

In contrast, education is the least problem which people are affected. The rate for people in the 35-54 year olds is higher than the others at approximately 18%. But the figures for the oldest and 18-34 age group are less than 3% and over 5% respectively.

(187 words)

 

Answer 1

Minh chi co mot so gop y nho voi ban dua theo kinh nghiem va kien thuc cua minh.

The graph indicates the difficulties people have encounter when they move migrate to the a new country and how the problems vary according to their ages.Overall, the biggest problem for people aged 18 to 34 is earning money, whereas taking care the their health is the most difficult with the people in two remaining age groups. In addition, the percentage of people aged 35 to 54 who have difficult to arrange healthcare is slightly higher than the others. (the number of people from 35 to 54 who are likely to have less chance to access healthcare is slightly higher than others from different groups)

As the graph shows, the rate of problem for organizing finances represents under 33% and 35% in the 18-34 and 35-54 age group, whereas people aged 55+ are easier than others in this problem with around 28%.

Meanwhile, the greatest problem of people aged 35+ who finding medical care is more than 35%, while the figure for the youngest age group just over 30%.

In contrast, education is the least problem which people are affected(educantion seems to have a smallest rate on affecting people's life). The rate for people in the 35-54 year olds is higher than the others at approximately 18%. But The figures,however, for the oldest and 18-34 age group are less than 3% and over 5% respectively.

*recommend: you should use more adverd of degree in your essay

Answer 2

bài này mình nghĩ còn vấn đề ở cách chia đoạn nữa. bạn ấy ghộp phần intro và overall làm đoạn đầu nhìn rất dài trong khi đoạn 2 và 3 có thể gộp lại. mình xin edit như vầy: 

 

The graph indicates the difficulties people encounter when they migrate to the a new country and how the problems vary according to their ages.

 

Overall, the biggest problem for people aged 18 to 34 is earning money, whereas taking care the their health is the most difficult with the people in two remaining age groups. In addition, the percentage of people aged 35 to 54 who have struggled with arranging healthcare is slightly higher than the others. 

 

As the graph shows, the rate of problem for organizing finances represents under 33% and 35% in the 18-34 and 35-54 age group, whereas people aged 55+ are easier than others in this problem with around 28%.Meanwhile, the greatest problem of people aged 35+ who finding medical care is more than 35%, while the figure for the youngest age group just over 30%.

 

In contrast, education is the least problem which people are affected(educantion seems to have a smallest rate on affecting people's life). The rate for people in the 35-54 year olds is higher than the others at approximately 18%. But The figures,however, for the oldest and 18-34 age group are less than 3% and over 5% respectively.

 

Note: mình không thấy được cái graph nên cũng không biết, nhưng dường như bạn không có đề cập đến năm làm khảo sát nên mình cũng không biết bạn chia thì đúng không. Thường thì mình dùng thì quá khứ hết cho bài viết. Cám ơn bạn đã share.

Comments

Ah, vì mình ko up được cái biểu đồ lên nên bạn hiểu nhầm ý mà. Biểu đồ này ko liên quan gì đến năm hết, trục tung là %, trục hoành là age group.

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hỳ bạn có thể gởi link hình lên được không? hoặc dùng dt chụp hình lại và post fb rồi copy link vào cũng dc >.<, tại k co graph nên không dám sửa bừa ^!^