The given line graph compares the percentage of old people in three nations namely Japan, Sweden and USA over the period of a century (from 1940-2040).
It is clear that the proportion of people who aged (who is aged/who aging/ whose age is) 65 and over has an upward trend in three countries. Japan is by far the most significant change of peoples retirement rates throughout the period of time. (Câu này chủ ngữ là Japan, bạn dùng so sánh nhất thì tân ngữ phải là danh từ support cho Japan, Japan is most significant change?? -> inconsistent,
Japan is by far the most outstanding country among three for the highest retirement rates throughout the period of time)
Between 1940 and 2000 (bạn có thể viết, During 60 first years, from 1940-2000), USA has shows the highest proportion of old people, around 9% and 15% in 1940 and 2000 respectively. Following by is Sweden with around 7% in 1940 and 15% in 2000 (Nếu ko có is thì câu này của bạn là câu ko có động từ, sẽ ko phải câu hoàn chỉnh, bạn dùng by thì bạn sẽ phải nối với câu 1, USE.... respectively, followed by Sweden...). During the same period, the percentage of old people in Japan remained in low figures, around 3-5% (Câu này bạn dùng remained, thì quá khứ, không nhất quán với động từ bạn chia cho Sweden và USA).
From 2000 to 2030, the highest proportion/portion of older people belongs to Sweden, around 15-20%. While the US older rates remain at around 14%, the proportion of Japaness older rises significantly, from 5% in 2000 to 10% in 2030.
In the last decade of the period, Japaness older rates are expected to increased dramatically, reaching a peak of 27% in 2040. The figure for Sweden and USA are also predicted to rise significantly, around 7% in 10 years.
Bạn có paraphrase để tránh lặp từ. Tuy nhiên có 1 vài lưu ý nhỏ, đó là mình không nhất thiết phải describe every change or detail shown in the graph as in the topic, they said "selecting the main features and make comparisons where relevant". I think the second paragraph is alright, comparison is clear. The second and third paragraph are just repetitive discription. I think you will get 6.0 for this task.
Thank you for reviewing my correction.