[TASK 2] Góp ý bài hộ mình : Effects. Overusing the Internet.

Question

Essay : Nowadays when the Internet has appeared in every corner of the world, Internet overuse has been increasing remarkably. Write an essay of 250 words presenting the possible effects of the overuse of the Internet.

As the Internet users have been rising remarkably over the twenty first century, the fact that the Internet is beginning to take over nearly every aspects of our lives might pose a concern over Internet overuse which leads to many consequences. The two highlighted effects of overusing the Internet are human’s dependence on Internet and risks on Internet addiction.

The Internet overuse has led to a situation in which people are over-rely on Internet tools. People could search for information of every phenomenon or event happening around by using various browsers available on the Internet. Therefore, people might gradually become lazy to think outside the box or even find it challenging to generate one simple idea. For example, a college student who often looks up sample essays on the Internet in order to make it up as his own writing for submission may gradually end up with a lack of ability to think himself. This action would result in his increasing dependence on Internet tools.

Overusing Internet’s impacts on human might haven’t finished yet. It also poses a risk on Internet addiction, especially to a certain group of young people who still strungle to controll their behaviors toward pros and cons of the Internet. Many things offered on the Internet are undeniably  appealing to them. A high school boy, for instance, has been playing Dota for two days in succession without having proper meals as he is so into the game that he couldn’t take his eyes off screen. Sadly, he might turn into a gaming-addicted boy soon.

Generally, the over reliance of human and Internet addiction have been acting as the major influences of overusing Internet. Hence, schools should team up with parents in educating children about how to use Internet properly since their very young age so that the promisingly negative effects of this phenomenon could be eliminated. 

Answer 1

I read your essay and I have some suggestions for you.  To my opinon, there are some mistakes in your wrting. Firstly, the type of your essay is only effect so that  you shoudn't  write solution in the conclusion part. Secondly, overall your writing is confusing and unclear. I think you have fine idea, but the way you express is not good. For example, the first sentece in introduction paragraph you use too many conjuntion : as..The fact...which, and the sentence is too long. This sentence can write simply to introduce your topic. This problem happened again in the body pargraph 1 when you explain your instance. the first sentece of paraghrap 3, you may say " another seious consequence of overusing Internet is.."

Thirdly, be careful with tense, your topic says about a general problem so your idea should use simple present tense: not you has led to. Finally, You use a words many times such as pose, or gradually, look up'..to make it up, so your vocabulary is not diversified.