Task 2 - Health - Giáo viên báo 6.0 nhưng mình không phục?

Question

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by most 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the possible causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer a solution. 

Childhood obesity has reached an epidemic proportion in the previous decade, especially the Western world has risen considerably by over a fifth. It is also undoubtedly that this has negative consequences, this essay will be looking at some primary reasons as well as offer a measure to mitigate this issue.

 

There are a number of reasons for the rising levels of obesity among children. The first reason is unhealthy eating habits. This means that children currently tend to consume too much fast food, candy, and sugary beverages. This food can cause younger individuals to gain weight quickly since they are high in fat and calories but low in vitamins and minerals. Another reason is sedentary lifestyles, especially children in the metropolis. They prefer engaging in screen time activities to playing outsides or doing sports. My cousin, for instance, usually spends 4 to 5 hours per day to play the game online, watch television or browse the internet..

 

Obesity is a serious medical condition that has detrimental effects on children and adolescents. First, obesity can harm nearly every system in the child’s body such as the heart, lungs, muscles, and bones. What’s worse, this can lead to overweight or obese into adulthood with an increased risk of a number of serious health conditions including heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and cancer. Second, obesity among children might be more likely for psychological problems. These children had higher rates of loneliness, nervousness as well as depression comparing to non-obese youngsters. This is illustrated by a survey conducted by the University of Florida, it is reported that about a third of obesity children tend to have emotional disorders, and one out of five frequently bully their peers.

 

Additionally, it is necessary for parents to educate their children about the severe impacts of an imbalanced diet. This would lead to make healthier choices such as choosing vegetables and whole food instead of junk food and soft drinks.

 

In conclusion, the increased ratio of obesity children in Western countries is the most pressing problem in recent years. There are various factors as well as adverse impacts on the child’s conditions and measures can be implemented to tackle this issue.

 

Answer 1

Childhood obesity has reached an epidemic proportion in the previous decade, especially the Western world has risen considerably by over a fifth. It is also undoubtedly that this has negative consequences, this essay will be looking at some primary reasons as well as offer a measure to mitigate this issue.

 

There are a number of reasons for the rising levels of obesity among children. The first reason is unhealthy eating habits. This means that children currently tend to consume too much fast food, candy, and sugary beverages. This food can cause younger individuals to gain weight quickly since they are high in fat and calories but low in vitamins and minerals. Another reason is sedentary lifestyles, especially children in the metropolis. They prefer engaging in screen time activities to playing outsides or doing sports. My cousin, for instance, usually spends 4 to 5 hours per day to play the game online, watch television or browse the internet.. (spend + V-ing nha)

 

Obesity is a serious medical condition that has detrimental effects on children and adolescents. First, obesity can harm nearly every system in the child’s body such as the heart, lungs, muscles, and bones. What’s worse, this can lead to overweight or obese into adulthood with an increased risk of a number of serious health conditions including heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and cancer. Second, obesity among children might be more likely for psychological problems. These children had higher rates of loneliness, nervousness as well as depression comparing to non-obese youngsters. This is illustrated by a survey conducted by the University of Florida, it is reported that about a third of obesity children tend to have emotional disorders, and one out of five frequently bully their peers.

 

Additionally, it is necessary for parents to educate their children about the severe impacts of an imbalanced diet. This would lead to make (chỉ có "lead to sth" chứ không có lead to verb nha) healthier choices such as choosing vegetables and whole food instead of junk food and soft drinks.

 

In conclusion, the increased ratio of obesity children in Western countries is the most pressing problem in recent years. There are various factors as well as adverse impacts on the child’s conditions and measures can be implemented to tackle this issue.

 

General feedback : Mình nghĩ bài này đang ở band 7.0 ạ

Comments

Cảm ơn bạn nhé. Mình sẽ cố gắng những lần sau

Answer 2

Childhood obesity has reached an epidemic proportion in the previous decade, especially the Western world has risen considerably by over a fifth. It is also undoubtedly that this has negative consequences, this essay will be looking at some primary reasons as well as offer a measure to mitigate this issue.

There are a number of reasons for the rising levels of obesity among children. The first reason is unhealthy eating habits. This means that children currently tend to consume too much fast food, candy, and sugary beverages. This food can cause younger individuals to gain weight quickly since they are high in fat and calories but low in vitamins and minerals. Another reason is sedentary lifestyles, especially children in the metropolis. They prefer engaging in screen time activities to playing outsides or doing sports. My cousin, for instance, usually spends 4 to 5 hours per day to play playing the game online, watch watching television or browse   browsing the internet.. (spend + V-ing)

Obesity is a serious medical condition that has detrimental effects on children and adolescents. First, obesity can harm nearly every system in the child’s body such as the heart, lungs, muscles, and bones. What’s worse, this can lead to overweight or obese into adulthood with an increased risk of a number of serious health conditions including heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and cancer. Second, obesity among children might be more likely for psychological problems. These children had higher rates of loneliness, nervousness as well as depression comparing to non-obese youngsters. This is illustrated by a survey conducted by the University of Florida, it is reported that about a third of obesity children tend to have emotional disorders, and one out of five frequently bully their peers.

Additionally, it is necessary for parents to educate their children about the severe impacts of an imbalanced diet. This would lead to make lead to .(chỉ có "lead to sth" chứ không có lead to verb ) healthier choices such as choosing vegetables and whole food instead of junk food and soft drinks.

In conclusion, the increased ratio of obesity children in Western countries is the most pressing problem in recent years. There are various factors as well as adverse impacts on the child’s conditions and measures can be implemented to tackle this issue.

p/s: general feedback: bài này tầm 6.5 -> 7.5 ah!!!! @@

 

Comments

Cảm ơn bạn nhé!

Answer 3

Childhood obesity has reached an epidemic proportion in the previous decade, especially in the Western world, it has risen considerably by over a fifth ("the Western world không phải là chủ ngữ của has risen 20%). It is also undoubtedly undoubtable that this has negative consequences, (nên tách vế sau thành 1 câu riêng). This essay will be looking at some primary reasons as well as offer a measure to mitigate this issue.

There are a number of reasons for the rising levels of obesity among children. The first reason is unhealthy eating habits. This means that children currently tend to consume too much fast food, candyies, and sugary beverages. This These kinds of food can cause younger individuals to gain weight quickly since they are high in fat and calories but low in vitamins and minerals. Another reason is sedentary lifestyles, especially of children in the metropolis. They prefer engaging in screen time activities to playing outsides or doing sports. My cousin, for instance, usually spends 4 to 5 hours per day to play playing the game online online games, watching television or browse surfing the internet.

Obesity is a serious medical condition that has detrimental effects on children and adolescents. First, obesity can harm nearly every system in the child’s body such as the heart, lungs, muscles, and bones. What’s worse, What worse is that this can lead to overweight or obese into adulthood with an increased risk of a number of serious health conditions including heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and cancer. Second, obesity among children might be more likely for to lead into psychological problems. These children had have a higher rate of loneliness, nervousness as well as depression comparing to non-obese youngsters. This is illustrated by a survey conducted by the University of Florida, it is which reported that about a third of obesity children tend to have emotional disorders, and one out of five frequently bully their peers. (bạn nên nối các câu có 2 vế thế này bằng linking words hoặc mệnh đề quan hệ để tăng điểm grammar).

Additionally (Không nên dùng additionally vì phía trước chưa nêu ý solution nào để "add" cả), it is necessary for parents to educate their children about the severe impacts of an imbalanced diet, so that they can This would lead to make healthier choices such as choosing vegetables and whole food instead of junk food and soft drinks.

In conclusion, the increased ratio of obesity children in Western countries is the most pressing problem in recent years. There are various factors as well as adverse impacts on the child’s conditions and measures (hơi questionable vì trong bài mới chỉ nêu được 1 measure) can be implemented to tackle this issue.

 

Mình nghĩ bài này nằm trong tầm 6 - 6.5.