IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : POPULATION. PLEASE HELP ME!!!! THANKS
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It is reported that there will be higher proportion of older people than that of young people in many countries in the future.
Do you think it is positive on negative development?
 
 
           Nowadays the population in many countries indeed has a tendency to become older. There're several benefits of this; however, a higher proportion of older - group is likely to be a disadvantage for the development in the future.
           On the one hand, societies benefit from the old. Firstly, today many youngsters only pay attention to work and their own life, forget the value of family. Therefore it is better to have seniors like grandparents to take care of all the members in family and connect one to each other. Especially, grandparents can look after their children instead of hiring a baby sitter. Secondly, comparing the rate of crime between the old and the young has a clear difference. While elder people usually live in a methodical way and law-abiding, youngsters choose a free, indulgent life, breaking the law and gradually become a bad guy. Finally, seniors are seemed to have more experience than the young in view of the fact that they have undergone many different challenges in their developable process.
          On the other hand, I believe the aging of the population will be a burden for the societies. There will full of old-fashioned things and superstitions if societies have too many old people. As a result,the country cannot be renovated in a better, modern way.Young people who are strong , active and creative have an ability to innovate life significantly not like the old, slowly and cornily. Moreover ,it is said that retired parents or old people might be an encumbrance for young families. Not only is it expensive to support them who have little or no money but also those are often ill and need a great deal of the care can be too much for their busy offspring.
         To sum up, besides the good point and downside of the high rate of the old , young -group and old-group should stay together with the equation of proportion.

 

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Nowadays the population in many countries indeed has a tendency to become older. There're several benefits of this; however, a higher proportion of older - group is likely to be a disadvantage for the development in the future.
           On the one hand, societies benefit from the old. Firstly, today many youngsters only pay attention to work and their own life( trước và sau and phải đồng nhất) , forget ( câu có 2 động từ chính là sao? pay-forget ?) the value of family. Therefore it is better to have seniors like grandparents to take care of all the members in family ( the family) and connect one to each other. Especially, grandparents can look after their children instead of hiring a baby sitter. Secondly, comparing the rate of crime between the old and the young has a clear difference. While elder people usually live in a methodical way and law-abiding ( trước và sau and phải đồng nhất chứ, youngsters choose a free, indulgent life,( ơ, sao phẩy giữa 2 tính từ vậy , 1 cụm danh từ mà ) breaking the law and gradually become a bad guy. ( chỗ này dài dòng sai ngữ pháp nè, a bad guy như thế nào- phải nói rõ là họ commiting crimes luôn để support ý bạn vừa nêu trên nhé) Finally, seniors are seemed to have more experience than the young in view of the fact that they have undergone many different challenges in their developable process.( thì sao? Việc đó có lợi gì cho societies? Chưa hoàn thành ý)
          On the other hand, I believe the aging of the population will be a burden for the societies. There will full ( động từ chính của câu đâu ta?) of old-fashioned things ( things là từ rất chung chung, nên hạn chế dùng trong văn viết ) and superstitions if societies have too many old people. As a result,the country cannot be renovated in a better, modern way.( sao tự nhiên 2 tính từ đang diễn đạt lại phẩy?! ) Young people who are strong , active and creative  have an ability to innovate life significantly not like the old, slowly and cornily.( sai ngữ pháp quá nè, not like là văn nói nha, diễn đạt hết ý đừng phẩy giữa 2 tính từ chứ) . Moreover ,it is said that retired parents or old people might be an encumbrance for young families. Not only is it expensive to support them who have little or no money but also those are (those who are )often ill and need a great deal of the care ( a great deal of care) can be too much for their busy offspring.( câu này cũng lủng củng quá nè)
         To sum up, besides the good point and downside of the high rate of the old , young -group and old-group should stay together with the equation of proportion.
Bài bạn sai ngữ pháp cơ bản nhiều.
 

 

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  Nowadays the population in many countries indeed has a tendency to become older. There're (There are) several benefits of this; however, a higher proportion of older - group is likely to be a disadvantage for the development in the future.
           On the one hand, societies benefit from the old. Firstly, today many youngsters only pay attention to work and their own life, forget the value of family (câu này có 2 động từ->bạn sửa lại nha). Therefore it is better to have seniors like grandparents to take care of all the (bỏ the vì là noun chưa xác định) members in family and connect one to each other. Especially, grandparents can look after their children instead of hiring a baby sitter. Secondly, comparing the rate of crime between the old and the young has a clear difference. While elder people usually live in a methodical way and law-abiding (a medical and law-abiding way), youngsters choose a free, indulgent life, breaking the law and gradually become a bad guy (một câu chỉ có một động từ, tuy nhiên, có thể dùng mệnh đề quan hệ để nối câu. Theo mình nên sửa lại như: youngsters who tend to live in a free and indulgent life often break the laws, thus, they are less likely to become good citizens). Finally, seniors are seemed (không dùng bị động được-> seniors seem...)to have more experience than the young in view of the fact that they have undergone many different challenges in their developable process( their development process).
          On the other hand, I believe the aging of the population will be a burden for the societies. There will full of (thiếu động từ -> will be full of) old-fashioned things and superstitions if societies have too many old people. As a result,the country cannot be renovated in a better, modern (thêm and vào giữa hai tính từ) way.Young people who are strong, active and creative have an ability to innovate life significantly not like the old, slowly and cornily(cornily là tính từ không dành cho người, câu văn của bạn có phần hơi lủng củng, ý kiến mình nên sửa lại như sau: Being different from the old who are slow and..., younger people who are strong and active are able to have an abilily to create new innovations in life) .Moreover ,it is said that retired parents or old people might be an encumbrance for young families. Not only is it expensive to support them who have little or no money but also those who are often ill and need a great deal of the (bỏ the) care can be too much for their busy offspring. (boohoo câu này mình thấy xoắn não quá kkk)
         To sum up (theo mình thấy nên dùng In conclusion cho IELTS essay), besides the good point and downside (the upsides and the downsides sẽ hay hơn) to -> of the high rate of the young -group and old-group should stay together with the equation of proportion.

 

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Em cảm ơn chị rất rất nhiều . Theo chị nếu đây là 1 bài thi chuyển cấp từ cấp 2 lên cấp 3 thì được khoảng bao nhiêu điểm ạ??? Chị có thể chỉ em cách để tự tìm cũng như sửa lỗi cho mình không ạ?
sắp thi rồi mà phần writing của em còn kém quá TT

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