Some people believe that hobbies need to be difficult to be enjoyable. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Question

Some people believe that for a hobby to be exciting, it needs to have some sort of challenges. Meanwhile, others think this criterion is unnecessary. In my opinion, I partly agree with the second idea.

 

On the one hand, there are several existing easy activities still filling with much excitement. Take watching movies as an example, a great number of people could find it enjoyable, yet there is no sort of difficulties about it. We can watch anywhere and anytime as long as we feel comfortable. Second, the easiness of it is one of the factors define it as a common favourite hobby in modern-day life. Furthermore, not many people prefer to engage in difficult activities since they only do them because of the need to find an escape daily heavy workload. They also agree that a routine considered to be fun only when it could awake their passion and, even better if no large amount of effort is needed.

 

However, completing a more challenging activity could result in greater level joyfulness to performers. It dues to the fact that the harder a task is, the sweeter victory someone could taste. For example, working out frequently is no simple task for newcomers, yet if people are willing to stick to the plan and finally achieve their goals, its result would be extremely worthwhile more than anything they have experienced. It creates more sense of achievement filled with even more excitement.

 

In conclusion, I personally believe that a joyful activity depends on no level of difficulty but the personality of each individual.  However, a harder activity might be able to create more long-term excitement for them.

Answer 1

Mình xin phép sửa bài của bạn lại như sau:

Some people believe that [(a hobby to be exciting)-paraphase lại nha bạn] leisure pursuits need to be struggling, it needs to have some sort of challenges. Meanwhile, others think this criterion is unnecessary. In my opinion, I partly agree with the second idea. (Mở bài vậy là không ổn rùi bạn ưi, kiểu what extent này là ko nên chia 2 vế ra làm, người đọc sẽ khó hiểu) 

--> Some people believe that leisure pursuits need to be strugguling in order to have an attraction.

I ....

 On the one hand, [(there are several existing easy activities still filling with much excitement) lỗi cấu trúc câu] there are many exist activities, which is easy to take part in, make one's feel excited . [Cần có giải thích rồi mới đưa ví dụ chứ bạn]Take watching movies is as a great example, a (great) number of people [(could) a number of ko đi với modal verb] find it enjoyable, yet there is no sort of difficulties about it. We can watch anywhere and anytime as long as we feel comfortable. Secondly, the easiness is one of the main factors define it as a common favourite daily rountines in modern-day life. [(Furthermore), dùng topic sentence thì phải giải thích liền, ko có thêm ý tiếp theo] As well as this, not many people prefer to engage in difficult activities [(since they only do them because of) since và because of ko đc dùng liền vậy] due to the fact that they need to find an escape to a huge amount of daily heavy workload as well as being under high pressure. [(They also agree that a routine considered to be fun only when it could awake their passion, even better if no large amount of effort is needed.)-đề đã hỏi what extent do you agree/disagree mà sao lại có chủ ngữ they vậy bạn, lỗi này đi thi là nặng lắm] Beside that, daily routine is considered to be fascinated in terms of awaking one's passion as well as it is worth making an effort without needing too much.

[(However)-nên biết cách kéo dài từ]On the other hand, completing a more challenging activity could make a result in greater level of joyfulness to performers. (It dues to the fact) Owing to the truth is that when the harder a task is, [(the sweeter victory someone could taste)-sai collocation, giám khảo ko hiểu như chúng ta hiểu từ tiếng việt sang tiếng anh nha bạn], the more successful award someone could get.For example, working out frequently is not a  simple task for newcomers, yet if people are willing to stick to the plan and finally achieve their goals, its result (would) will be extremely worth, (while) compared to more than anything they have experienced. Its feeling creates sense of achievement filled with more excited.

 In conclusion, I personally believe that a joyful activity depends on no level of difficulty but in each personality.  However, a harder activity might be able to create more long-term excitement for them.

Nhận xét:

- Đối với dạng này bạn ko nên đưa theo quan điểm 50-50 vậy, đó là hướng đi dễ lạc ý và giám khảo sẽ khó tiếp cận và khi đó điểm coherence and cohesion sẽ bị reduce.

- IELTS là cuộc thi về ngôn ngữ chứ ko phải test knowledge nên theo hướng completly agree/disagree là an toàn nhất, còn hướng của bạn là khi bạn đủ mạnh về grammar cũng như là về sentences in complex form thì hãy chọn để viết.

- Mở bài bố cục vậy là giám khảo sẽ ko ấn tượng tốt vì bạn ko paraphase lại đề nhiều cũng như cấu trúc câu ko có nghĩa hoàn toàn.

- Bạn hay sử dụng chủ ngữ it quá nhiều và ng đọc sẽ phải hỏi là it ở đây là của cái gì, cái bạn viết đã dề cập trc đó nên sử dụng 1 lần it là tối đa.

- Bạn cần học cái cấu trúc để nối lại thành complex sentence vì bạn sử dụng đa số các câu đơn và các thì còn khập khiễng chưa vững lắm.

- Nên nhớ khi đã đưa ra Topic sentence --> Explanation--> Adding details--> Example. Một đoạn văn tối đa 2 cái topic sentence là tối đa.

- Về mặt từ vựng thì bạn cũng đã sử dụng các collocations như stick to the plane, achieve the goal,... nhưng phải cần củng cố và luyện tập thêm.

- Ngữ pháp thì chưa ổn lắm nha bạn ;))

- Task achievement là thất nguy cơ dưới band 5.0.

- Nói chung bài viết gọi là tạm được, mình xét cho bạn 5.5 overall.