write a paragraph about the person you would like to become
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Everyone has goals in yourlife,maybe a person that they want to become in the future and so do I. Fist of all, I want to become a person who good at in English can communicate with native speaker in a natural way. To do that, I set many goals for myself. I spend my freetime studying English not only on class but also on Internet. In my view, Internet is a way to study English effectively. Secondly, It is a person who take care of the family. My family made many sacrifices so that I could go to university. They always encourage me to overcome the difficults in studying process. Thus, I will try my best for myself and my family. Lastly, the person I ưant to become in the future is an independent person. I want to make myself become stronger and more confident. And there is a famous quote by Geogre Benard Shaw:" Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". Therefore we should try my best to become a better version of ourselves to bring good life for ourselves and for my family.  

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Thường mình ko góp ý cho các bài thuộc dạng Free Writing. Tuy nhiên, mình đang cho sinh viên bên mình viết tự do nên mình sẽ phá lệ. Những bài dạng này bạn nên học theo một lớp viết nào đó sẽ được góp ý đầy đủ.

Everyone has goals in life in yourlife,maybe a person that they want to become in the future and so do I. One of them can be a dream of becoming someone they want in the future. First of all, I want to become a person who is good at in English and can communicate with native speakers naturally/ in a natural way.

=> I want to improve my English ability so I can communicate like a native speaker.

To do that, I set many goals for myself. I spend my freetime studying English not only on in class but also on Internet at home/ outside (trên lớp vẫn có thể dùng mạng nên 2 thằng này ko tương đương). In my view, Internet is a way (means/ place chứ nhỉ) to study English effectively.

Secondly, It is a person who take care of the family (sử dụng chung kiểu câu I want to... và hình như có cụm từ breadwinner kiếm cơm cho cả gia đình). My family made many sacrifices so that I could go to university. They always encourage me to overcome the difficults in studying process. Thus, I will try my best for myself and my family.

=> Nếu bên trên bạn nó bạn làm gì để make your dream come true thì bên dưới này cũng nên có một giải pháp/ cách nào đó.

Lastly, the person I want to become in the future is an independent person (nên nói là become/ be more independent). I want to make myself become stronger and more confident. And there is a famous quote by Geogre Benard Shaw:" Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself". Therefore we should try my best to become a better version of ourselves to bring good life for ourselves and for my family.  

=> Bạn nên viết kỹ hơn về independent ví dụ về tài chính, về kỹ năng sống, về năng động. Nếu bạn triển khai như 3 câu sau thì khá giống ý 2. 

Bạn mắc lỗi về triển khai ý nhiều hơn là về Ngữ Pháp và Từ Vựng. Bạn tìm mấy cuốn về Academic Writing xem thử.

 

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Em cảm ơn anh/chị rất nhiều ạ,em sẽ cố gắng luyện viết nhiều hơn và em hy vọng sẽ nhận được sự giúp đỡ của mọi người

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