Pie chart : topic economy [closed]

Question

The pie charts compared how different the industrial sectors contributed to Turkey’s economy in the years 2000 and 2016.

Overall, while the figure for agriculture took up the largest proportion of the economy of Turkey, construction was the smallest sector in 2000. In comparison, healthcare and education contributed to the vast majority of Turkey's economy and the lowest percentage was made up by finance, business and other in the year 2016 .
 

In 2000, around 24% of contribution was from the agriculture sector, this figure decreased to almost a half in 2016. Economic outputs from government and leisure and hospitality accounted for about  12% and 17% respectively before the slight falling by 3% of both sectors over a 6-year period. By contrast, contribution from healthcare and education remained unchanged for years, at 17%.

The opposite trend could be seen when we look at Turkey’s economy in construction. This sector contributed to only 3% of all economic segments in 2000 and experienced a more than threefold to 10% in 2016. Similarly, ultilities and transportation saw a slight growth from nearly 14% to 16% during the period shown. At the beginning of the period, economic income from manufacturing and finance, business and other services made up around 8% and 5% relatively and these figures increased by 4% and 3% six years later.



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Answer 1

Source: https://s3-ap-southeast-1.amazonaws.com/ielts.forums/Writing-Task-1_Turkey-Economy.docx

The pie charts compared how different the industrial sectors contributed to Turkey’s economy in the years 2000 and 2016.

Overall, while the figure for agriculture took up the largest proportion of the economy of Turkey, construction was the smallest sector in 2000[p1] . In comparison, healthcare and education contributed to the vast majority of Turkey's economy [p2] and the lowest percentage was made up by finance, business and other in the year 2016 .

In 2000, around 24% of the total contribution was from the agriculture sector, this figure decreased to almost a half in 2016. Economic outputs from government and leisure and hospitality accounted for about 12% and 17% respectively before the slight falling by[p3]  3% of both sectors over a 6-year period. By contrast, contribution from healthcare and education remained unchanged for years, at 17%.

The opposite trend could be seen when we look at Turkey’s economy in construction. This sector contributed to only 3% of all economic segments in 2000 and experienced a more than threefold [p4] to 10% in 2016. Similarly, ultilities and transportation saw a slight growth [p5] from nearly 14% to 16% during the period shown. At the beginning of the period, economic income from manufacturing and finance, business and other services made up around 8% and 5% relatively and these figures increased by 4% and 3% six years later.
 

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 [p1]Idea Suggestion: “construction accounted for the smallest proportion”/ “construction represented the smallest proportion”

 [p2]Vocabulary Error: Incorrect use of “majority”

-> “contribute the most significant part of Turkey’s economy”

 [p3]Grammar Error: “fall – Noun”

+ of

-> “before experiencing the slight fall of 3%”

 [p4]Grammar Error: “threefold – Adjective/Adverb”

-> “a more than threefold increase/decrease”

 [p5]Vocabulary Error: “growth” is uncountable

-> “saw slight growth from…”

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CRITERIA	GRADE	COMMENT
Task Response	6	addresses the requirements of the task (Academic) presents an overview with information appropriately selected (General Training) presents a purpose that is generally clear; there may be inconsistencies in tone presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate
Coherence and Cohesion	6	arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression uses cohesive devices effectively, but cohesion within and/or between sentences may be faulty or mechanical may not always use referencing clearly or appropriately
Lexical Resource	6	uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication
Grammatical Range and Accuracy	6	uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms makes some errors in grammar and punctuation but they rarely reduce communication
Overall	6

 

 

 

Comments

I highly appriciate your comments. I have admired you for a long time ago :)) But I have one more question: My essay accounts for 220 words, is this too much for a writing-task-1 essay, a people told me that I should shorten my essay. How do you think ? Hope from you soon.....!!

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In the Academic Writing Task, you have to accurately describe the given information and summarise it in your own words in 150 words. You are asked to summarize the information presented to you in the form of a graph (bar/line), pie chart, table or process.You should not write under 150 words; however, you can have more words - 170 to 190. Try not to write more than 200 words because you need 40 minutes for task 2 and Task 2 is double the worth of Task 1.