IELTS Writing task 1 Pie Chart

Question

ONLINE SHOPPING SALES FOR RETAIL SECTORS

These 2 pie charts illustrate the proportion of different online sectors that were sold in Canada.
In general, in both 2 years, together Electronics&Appilance and Food&Beverage represented more than half of total sales . The list of online sale for retail sectors weren't changed throughout the period.

It's clearly that there was a noticeable development on the sales of the Food&Beverage by 10%( from 22% to 32%) to hit the peak. Also, Information Technology grew up extremely quickly, giving rise to the online sales of video game, it increased steadily by 5%, reaching nearly a quarter.

On the other hand, the number of people who bought Electronics&Appilance online decreased slightly from 35% to 30% between 2005 and 2010, a drop in 5 years, lost its top in last 5 years.  The customers of Home Funishings went down sharply, halve as many as the Food&Beverage's custuomers in the year 2010

 

 

Answer 1

Mình có 1 bài tự làm, bạn tham khảo nhé:
The two charts illustrate the proportion of four different retail groups of products sold online in Canada from 2005 to 2010.
Overall, during a period of five years, video games and Food and beverage consumption witnessed a considerable rise while Electronics and Appliance and Home furnishings consumption saw an reverse  situation.
Starting at the bottom of 18% in 2005, Video games gradually got its credit by a slight increase of 5% in  2010. Also, food and beverage, the second least favourite deal at the beginning of the period, had its sales soared dramatically by 10% and made up one-third of the whole consumption in 2010.
Meanwhile Home furnishings business suffered by its exponential decline of 10%, ended with the smallest percentage in 2010 chart. Electronics and Appliance sales, even were the second favourite in 2010, also declined slightly by 5% compared to the same category in 2005.

Answer 2

These 2 pie charts illustrate the proportion of different online sectors that were sold in Canada. 

Paraphrase chưa rõ nghĩa. 

the proportion -> the sales proportion

Phần giới thiệu còn thiếu về thời gian: in 2005 and 2010.

These two pie chart illustrate the sales proportion of different online retail sectors that were sold in Canada in 2005 and 2010. 

 

Văn phong bài viết còn informal, nên sữa lại một số lỗi để thích hợp với tính formal khi viết:

1. không viết tắt: weren't -> were not, 2->two (trừ phi dẫn trích số liệu từ biểu đồ hoặc năm)

2. Cách dùng từ:

together (văn nói) -> both ... and ...

its top -> the first position

 

Also, Information Technology grew up extremely quickly ...

Bạn có thể dùng từ đồng nghĩa, tuy nhiên Information Technology ở đây thay cho Electronics and Appliance không hợp lý vì không đồng nghĩa. Ngoài ra, cái tăng là the sales proportion/percentage không phải sector hay tên sector tăng lên.

Ở đây xài quickly cũng không hợp lý. Không có thêm những mốc thời gian khác so sánh, không thể kết luận chủ quan là tăng nhanh, bạn có thể nói tăng mạnh thì hợp lý hơn (significantly/strongly/...)

On the other hand, the number of people who bought Electronics&Appilance online decreased ...

The customers of Home Funishings went down...

Tương tự, ở đây đối tượng giảm là the sale proportion/percentage of E&A không phải số người mua.

Câu dưới đặc biệt chú ý để qua bài khác nếu so sánh về số lượng người thì cái cần so sánh là quantity/number không phải customers nha bạn. (còn ở đây là percentage)

 

Answer 3

tớ thấy ngay phần mở đầu còn thiếu về thời gian: in 2005 and 2010. (phải đề cập đến nhé ạ)