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Các bạn nhận xét xem bài này mình viết như thế nào nha !!!

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Topic : Some people believe that instead of preventing climate change, we need to find a way to live with it.

To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

 

 

MY ESSAY

 

Climate change constitutes a threat to the Earth as well as our existence, however, it is believed that we should learn to be familiar with this natural phenomenon, rather than address it. I completely disagree with this opinion.

In my view, human beings have to take responsibilities to tackle this issue, rather than accept it. In other words, human’s activities are the primary factors leading to the climate change. A great deal of companies and manufactories constantly release trash and chemicals into rivers, carbon dioxide emissions into the atmosphere, which is known to cause glasshouse effect. Some governments in developing countries like China just pay attention to promote economy and ignore the detrimental effect on environment. As individuals, people contribute to climate change by simple habits, such as leaving rooms without tuning lights off or using motobikes and cars, rather than public vehicles.

In addition, there are various measures to address climate change. Bussinessmen should apply non-polluting technologies into their manufactories so that not only can substances and pollutants be curbed but labour productivity are increased as well. Governments can have green investments in renewable energies. On a individual level, people can join hands to mitigate climate change, by being economical with electricity and water and  by using private vehicles less. Furthermore, each of citizen can help their relatives be perceptive of why people have to prevent the climate change in other to have a future generation contributing to limit climate change.

In conclusion, it is clear to me that we should address this problem of climate change, because we are accountable to it and there are a number of ways to solve it.

 

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I correct your essay below. In general, you should check vocab and spelling more carefully.

  • Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Cohenrence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Grammaticcal Range and Accuracy: 6

Climate change constitutes a threat to the Earth as well as our existence, however, it is believed that we should learn to be familiar with (you could use acclimatize to) this natural phenomenon, rather than address it. I completely disagree with this opinion.

In my view, human beings have to take responsibilities to tackle this issue, rather than accept it. In other words, human’s activities are the primary factors leading to the climate change. A great deal of companies and manufactories manufacturers constantly release trash and chemicals into rivers, carbon dioxide emissions into the atmosphere, which is known to cause glasshouse glass house effect. Some governments in developing countries like China just pay attention to promote economy and ignore the detrimental effect effects on the environment. As individuals, people contribute to climate change by simple habits, such as leaving rooms without tuning turning lights off or using motobikes and cars, rather than (you could use instead of/ in lieu of to avoid repetition) public vehicles.

In addition, there are various measures to address climate change. Bussinessmen should apply non-polluting technologies into to their manufactories so that not only can substances and pollutants be curbed but labour productivity are is increased as well. Governments can have green investments in renewable energies. On a an individual level, people can join hands to mitigate climate change, by being economical with electricity and water and by using private vehicles less. Furthermore, each of citizen can help their relatives be perceptive of why people have to prevent the climate change in other to have a future generation contributing to limit climate change. Futhermore, environmental awareness should be spread more widely among citizens to create a green world for the next generation.

In conclusion, it is clear to me that we should address this problem of climate change issue because (you couldn't use comma before because) we are accountable to it and there are a number of ways to solve it this problem.

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3 Comments

Mình cảm ơn bạn nhiều nhiều nha!
Mà bạn cho mình hỏi thêm xíu nhen, với bài essay này á, mình cần phải sửa thêm gì để tăng điểm ha?
Bạn chỉ cần gợi ý thôi, rồi mình sẽ tự viết lại!
Mình cảm ơn bạn nhiều lắm nha!!!
Hi bạn,

Bạn có thể sử dụng nhiều conjunction (liên từ) hơn, và có thể đưa ra thêm ví dụ nữa. Như mình làm bài thì cấu trúc thường như này:

Opening paragraph:

- Ý kiến đề bài

- Ý kiến bản thân đồng ý/phản đối

- Tóm lược lí do đồng ý/phản đối ở mở bài

Body 1:

- Luận điểm 1

- Giải thích

- Ví dụ

Body 2:

- Luận điểm 2

- Giải thích

- Ví dụ

(Bạn có thể dùng thêm các mẫu câu điều kiện để bài đa dạng cấu trúc)

Conclusion:

- Đồng ý/phản đối

- Lí do

Mình cũng đang luyện IELTS thôi chứ chưa thi bao giờ hay có kinh nghiệm gì đâu. Có gì bạn có thể để lại facebook rồi cùng luyện.
Mình cảm ơn bạn nha.
Link fb của mình :

https://m.facebook.com/login.php?next=https%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2Fprofile.php%3Fid%3D100012624853687%26ref%3Dcontent_filter&refsrc=https%3A%2F%2Fm.facebook.com%2Fprofile.php%3Fref%3Dcontent_filter&ref=content_filter&_rdr

Mình cũng đang luyện IELTS à, có gì chúng ta hợp tác với nhau nha
Nếu bạn vô link đó hông đc thì nói mình, mình gửi lại nha
Mình cảm ơn

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