There are some of my suggestions for correcting the mistakes in your essay.
After graduating from school, people wonder whether they should get higher education or they ought to land a job. While I think that going to college can be the best route to "achieve a"successful career, I agree with the view that there are also some benefits "for"working after school.
On the one hand, it is believed that continuing their study is beneficial for students. To specify, by acquiring academic qualifications, people can have more job opportunities, which opens the door "for" a better life. Moreover, entering higher education helps students obtain specialized knowledge, which enables them to climb up their career ladder. For example, if a student wants to become a doctor, he must have a relevant degree which provides "him" in-depth knowledge about medicines, diseases and health problems. Hence, it is easy for him to "gain the" promotion "in his job" and pursue his own passion "in the future".
However, getting a job after school can also bring several advantages. Firstly, students can earn money as soon as possible. By doing this, they are able to mature themselves, which enables them to live independently. Another benefit worth considering is that people will have a chance to put their knowledge into real situations. Therefore, they can hone a great deal of practical experience, which "may assist them in achieving the great" improvement in their career prospects.
In conclusion, "eventhough going to college may provide the students abundance of necessary knowledge, working straight after school is more outweighed. Working helps students gain practical knowledge from their own experience and they can" succeed in their "lives" as well as have the bright future.
=> I think that you have great ideas and know how to express your ideas in a good structure. Your essay may worth more than 6.0 in Ielts writing task2.