Hello lonelyboyscc202
Bài này bạn viết, đang cố gắng dùng đa dạng từ mới và từ đồng nghĩa, tuy nhiên nó lại làm bài viết đọc không được tự nhiên, nhiều đoạn ở 2 phần thân bài từ đồng nghĩa còn không phù hợp với context nữa.
Phần thân bài, bạn nêu các luận điểm, ko có các example làm bài viết thiếu nhiều về tiêu chí convinced. Mình có 2 góp ý về bài và góp ý cụ thể ở dưới bạn xem qua nhé :D
The current process of globalization has indubitably paralleled the uplift in immigration( câu này dùng thì hiện tại hoàn thành tiếp diên sẽ hợp lý hơn). While this inclination obviously ( đã dùng considerable nên từ này không cần thiết) provides => has considerable advantages, along with benefits still comes downsides => It is extreme strange to address like this, consider: It also exsit some drawbacks . This essay will discuss both aspects of the proclivity mentioned.
On the plus side, diverse societies grant their citizens the opportunity to socialize with people of different races . ( hai câu này không có connect well lắm) Consider: As it result in Immense amounts of understanding and information on one another’s customs, habits and conventional => traditional or popular festivals's countries would be thoroughly conveyed through conversations. Inhabitants are even liable to befriend others, consolidating their social relationships and offering them more mentally satisfying lives => câu này không có logic với không có tính thừa kế luận điểm phía trên In addition, for parents or families with small children, their offspring are facilitated to meet new peers of different races. Hence, they would be taught not to differentiate and learn to treat every body, irrespective of origins, on a par.
On the minus side, there are in each race’s way of living. Consequently, arguments and disagreements over such as ordinary issues as clothes, table manners and hairstyle might be fiercely heated. This would spawn long-term mental pressure and enmity among neighbors or citizens. Another negative actuality to consider is the presence of racism. A minority of people in multi-racial communities is inherently prompted to discriminate and deem themselves as superior to others in reference to skin color, therefore intellectual capability and social-ranking as well, engendering traumas and long-lastingly hurtful impressions.
All in all, I strongly => firmly ( từ này nhấn mạnh và nêu rõ quan điểm hơn) believe that immigration promotes cultural exchanges and occasions for children to understand equality and justice. Nevertheless, racism and cultural variations are apt to transpire in diverse-race communities.