Smacking children is the best form of discipline. - IELTs writing task 2.

Question

Hi, I am new here, I am repairing for my IELTS examination, I found it hard to practice writing skill without any feedbacks.
I really appreciate your support!
 

SMACKING CHILDREN IS THE BEST FORM OF DISCIPLINE.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Educational approaches are invariably a controversial topic. Some people are of the opinion that violent treatment is the best one to educate children. This essay will argue why using power over children is completely unnecessary.

Some parents claim that it is justifiable to use power over their offsprings. It is obvious that children's behaviors would enhance immediately as a result of fear. Parents would gain the educational goals without much patient. In fact, this kind of approach is still common, especially in Asia. Contrary to the popular belief, it is a fact that violent punishment is an absolutely appropriate .

People often claim that they possess the right to select their educational methods, however, the idea of using violent treatment as the main method is entirely preposterous. Children tend to be frightened by their parents, not to respect them. Additionally, there is scientific evidence that violence could potentially cause mental disorder. Indeed, individuals treated violently at their childhood period would tend to be more brutal than normal persons. People think that violent punishment is an effective way to reinforce children, but they could not be further from the truth.

In conclusion, this essay argued why using power over children cannot be a major approach in order to reinforce the learning process of them. I firmly believe that there are a variety of better methods.

Answer 1

patient > patience ( without much danh từ ) 

possess the right > không chuẩn nhé > have the right to do sth 

hoặc có cụm cố định rights and priviledges cũng rất hay nhé

disorder >>> disorders

Indeed, individuals treated violently at their childhood period would tend to be more brutal than normal persons >>>> A research has pointed out a strong link between adult criminality and childhood sufferings/ Children who experienced physical assault in their childhood frequently could grow anti-social and depressed thì hay hơn nhé bạn :)))

 Kết bài hơi lủng củng, sửa nè: In conclusion, I totally disagree that using violence, namely smacking to teach children is the optimal method because there are many other effective ways. 

Answer 2

Educational approaches are invariably a controversial topic.[W1]  Some people are of the opinion[W2]  that violent treatment is the best one[W3]  to educate children. This essay will argue why using power over children is completely unnecessary. [W4] 

Some parents claim that it is justifiable to use power over their offsprings. It is obvious that [W5] children's behaviors would enhance immediately[W6]  as a result of fear. Parents would gain the educational goals without much patient[W7] . In fact, this kind of approach is still common, especially in Asia. Contrary to the popular belief[W8] , it is a fact that violent punishment is an absolutely appropriate . [W9] 

People often claim that they possess the right to select their educational methods, however, the idea of using violent treatment as the main method is entirely preposterous. Children tend to be frightened by their pa rents, not to respect them. Additionally, there is scientific evidence that violence could potentially cause mental disorder. Indeed, individuals treated violently at their childhood period would tend to be more brutal than normal persons. People think that violent punishment is an effective way to reinforce children, but they could not be further from the truth. 

[W10] In conclusion, this essay argued why using power over children cannot be a major approach in order to reinforce the learning process of them. I firmly believe that there are a variety of better methods.

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 [W1]Expression suggestion: I was extremly confuse on this setence.

 [W2]Expression error: It is very strange to write like this.

•  People’s opinion or Opinion of some people…

 [W3]Vocabulary suggestion: In IELTS people prefer to use ‘ the best way’, ‘the best one’ prefer to use in speaking area.

 [W4]This paragraph failed to acquire the basic demand. ‘what extent do you agree or disagree’ you must you pronoun I agree or desgree/ believe etc …

Reference: It is true that some parents usually use power over children to obey their words or arrangement. While there are certain results of this form for adults. I still believe, it is totally not appropriate to smack children in any case.

 [W5]Word repeat: you just used these words in previous sentence.

 [W6]Expression error: It is not clear in meaning. Which direction the behaviour enhance ?

 [W7]Grammar error: patient (adj), without+ noun => without patience

 [W8]Grammar error: what struture are you using here? It is totally wrong, Contrary (adj or noun)

 [W9]It seems you manage not well about this paraprah. I would like to plan ideas for you as below:

Topic sentence: on the one hand,  violent treatment have some positive results …

Explain why:  how it is in school ?

Explain why: how it is in home ?

 [W10]It seems you again manage not well about this paraprah. I would like to plan ideas for you as below:

Topic sentence: On the  other hand, there are have some drawbacks etc ….

Explain why: Consequence of smacking children constantly

Expain why: Consequence of smacking children in long time

 

 

 

Answer 3

Educational approaches are invariably a controversial topic. Some people are of the opinion that violent treatment is the best one to educate children. This essay will argue for the statement using power over children is completely unnecessary. 
Some parents claim that it is justifiable to use power over their offsprings. It is obvious that children's behaviors would enhance immediately as a result of fear. Parents would gain the educational goals without much patient =>> effort. In fact, this kind of approach is still common, especially in Asia. Contrary to the popular belief, it is a fact that violent punishment is absolutely appropriate . =>> absolutely inappropriate

People often claim that they possess the right to select their educational methods, however, the idea of using violent treatment as the main method is entirely preposterous. Children tend to be frightened by their parents, not to respect them. Additionally, there is scientific evidence that violence could potentially cause mental disorder. Indeed, individuals treated violently at =>> in their childhood period would tend to be more brutal than normal persons.