Bài IELTS Task 1 - Line Graph - income of four cafes - Nhờ các bạn giúp mình với ạ, mình cảm ơn rất nhiều !

Question

Đây là bài line graph của mình. Nhờ các bạn xem hộ mình và giúp mình những lỗi cần sửa nhé. Và nếu các bạn có thể chấm điểm bài này của mình thì mình biết ơn rất nhiều. Cảm ơn các bạn.

 

 

Essay topics: The line graph shows the income of four cafes in New York over last year.

 

The line graph indicates the revenue of four cafes in New York over the previous year, namely the tea room, internet express, wi-fi cafe, cafe cool.

 

Overall, there is a considerable fluctuation in income of both cafes over the period shown. However, the tea room witnessed a downward trend while the other three experienced the gradual growth in revenue.

 

It can be seen that the tea room’s revenue reached the highest at about $160.000 of four cafes in January. In the winter months, that figure dropped rapidly in vicinity of $50.000 in last month of the year.

 

By constract, the income of the other three received a climb by vary degrees. In the January-November period, the revenue of cafe cool not only stably went up but also achieved the highest in most months in comparison with that of cafe cool and wi-fi cafe. Nevertheless, the last of year, the income of wi-fi cafe rocketed to a peak of approximately $190.000, followed up were internet express and cafe cool at about $130.000 and $120.000

 

 

 

Answer 1

The line graph indicates the revenue of four cafes in New York over the previous year, namely the tea room, internet express, wi-fi cafe, cafe cool.

[SC1]

Overall, there is a considerable fluctuation in income of both cafes over the period shown. However, the tea room witnessed a downward trend while the other three experienced the gradual growth in revenue[SC2] .

It can be seen that the tea room’s revenue reached the highest at about $160.000 of four cafes in January[SC3] . In the winter months[SC4] , that figure dropped rapidly in vicinity of $50.000 in last month of the year.

By constract[SC5] , the income of the other three [SC6] received a climb by vary degrees. In the January-November [SC7] period, the revenue of cafe cool not only stably went up but also achieved the highest in most months in comparison with that of cafe cool and wi-fi cafe[SC8] . Nevertheless, the last of year, the income of wi-fi cafe rocketed to a peak of approximately $190.000, followed up were internet express and cafe cool at about $130.000 and $120.000[SC9]

 

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 [SC1]Expression suggestion: the chart depicts the revenue among 4 brand of coffee shop in New York, namely the tea room, internet express, Wi-fi Café, Café cool.

 [SC2]Expression suggestion:  It is clear, there is a significant fluctuation at every brand cafés in period twelve months. It witnessed The Tea Room dropped dramatically white remaining brand cafés including Internet Express, Wi-fi Café and Café Cool increased substantially at the end of year.

 [SC3]Expression suggestion: Need to be capital letter ‘The Tea Room’

=> The Tea Room stood at the highest point of revenue, at 160.000$

 [SC4]Expression suggestion: how you known it is in the winter months, remember in task 1 we do not assume anything

 [SC5]Spelling error:  => contrast

 [SC6]Grammar error: => the others, delete three

 [SC7]Expression suggestion: the time should from january to september ( noted do not use capital letter) (b/c from september to december 3 brand coffee shops which increased in revenue )

 [SC8]Expression suggestion: the sentence is long and complex for reader, you also made some mistake from data.

=> the revenue of three brand cafés fluctuated from january to september. The highest returns belonged Internet Express in january and Wi-fi in july Café at 100.000 $ corresponding. The income of remainder was roughly 51.000 $

 [SC9]Expression suggestion: the remaining period, 3 coffee shops rose significantly in returns, to peak of 190.000$ for Wi-fi Café, 140.000$ for Internet Express and 120.000 $ for Café Cool.

 

Comments

Sửa giúp mình với ạ!

The graph shows the income of four cafe in New York over last year. In the year, the incme of The Tea Room tended to drop from May to December and rose from January to May in the following year. Internet Express income decreased slightly from January to June and went up wildy from June to the end of the year. Wifi Cafe earnings arose from the beginning of the year to July and tended to descend from July to September and suddenly increased from September to December. In terms of the earnings of Cafe Cool, despite having a dramatic fluctuation, it disposed towards the increase. In brief, Wifi Cafe, Internet Express and Cafe Cool fluctuated but verging towards the growth, The Tea Room had the contrast with them.

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