Technology. (WHAT DO YOU THINK THE BAND SCORE OF THIS ESSAY?)
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We are becoming increasingly dependent on computer technology.

It is used in business, crème detection and even to fly planes. What will it be used in the future? Is this dependence on technology a god thing or should we be suspicious of its benefits?

 

There has been mass manufacture in advanced technology in recent years and that people rely too much on computer technology is and undeniable fact. There is conflicting views toward this trend. While some individuals claim that we should stay alert about the massive influence of these technologies, I believe it would be primitive if it was not for vast benefits of ultra modern technology.

 

Providing that scientists keep their mind dreaming about some state of the art technologies, someday, from my point of view, the world can be broaden its horizon with the invention of artificial intelligence. At present, all great minds throughout the world are heading to realize this idea. Within few years time, computer is likely to sense human’s behavior and cognition so as to imitate our way of thinking or provide help. Regarding Google, it has long been using artificial intelligence to match relevant sites with our requests. So artificial intelligence is the most prominent invention that could be used in the future.

 

Although benefits that computer technology brings are considered to be detrimental since they can lead to sedentary habits or health problems such as obesity, I believe the advantages outweigh disadvantages. It is an ideal decision to use this kind of technology as a mean of communication. To those people resident way apart from each other, a click of a button is all they need to stay in touch. Also, thanks to computer technology individuals are able to widen their knowledge through information provided on particular websites.

 

In conclusion, it is possible that artificial intelligence is the invention that scientists are aiming to release in the future. Also, computer technology has more advantages than disadvantages. I assume that with the growing trend in the innovative technologies, people will have easier life. 

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1/ Bài viết có bố cục tốt, sử dụng từ, từ nối tốt, trả lời đúng trọng tâm câu hỏi.

2/ Một số điểm ngữ pháp dùng sai:

There is conflicting views --> are

To those people resident way apart from each other --> chỗ này cần một động danh từ, mình nghĩ nên sữa thành "living", hoặc sửa thành ... people who live way ....

 the world can be broaden --> thể bị động nên phải là "broadened".

3/ Theo mình thì đây là dạng bài argumentative essay, nên bạn phải đưa ra ý kiến ủng hộ cái nào. Ở đoạn 2, bạn ủng hộ lợi ích của computer technology, nhưng supporting ideas của bạn quá ít (hay không có). Theo mình thì "To those people resident way apart from each other, a click of a button is all they need to stay in touch. Also, thanks to computer technology individuals are able to widen their knowledge through information provided on particular websites." chỉ là ví dụ . Bạn nên nói rõ lợi ích của computer technology như thế nào, ở những lĩnh vực gì ...

 

Mình cũng đang luyện Ielts nên cũng không thể chấm điểm cho bạn, chỉ đưa ra một số nhận xét cá nhân thôi.

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Tks bạn nhiều nha
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Trước hết cái topic của bạn đưa ra làm mình thấy bối rối quá, không hiểu nó nói gì luôn.

Câu này "There has been mass manufacture in advanced technology in recent years and that people rely too much on computer technology is and undeniable fact." có vấn đề gì về spelling hay grammar không bạn ơi? Sao mình thấy confused quá.

Trong bài làm của mình, bạn linh động thay đổi từ vựng sao cho nó đa dạng hơn. 

Ngoại trừ những thiếu sót nhỏ về ngữ pháp đã được bạn trên comment, mình nghĩ là bạn nên sử dụng nhiều hơn các transision signals để bài essay được chặt chẽ hơn về mặt hình thức. 

 



Bạn có thể tham khảo thêm topic ngày 27.8 của IDP, cũng cùng chủ đề Technology: 
http://lamchuielts.com/index.php/2016/08/29/the-disadvantages-and-the-advantages-of-communication-technology-ielts-writing-idp/

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