"It is suggested that everyone wants to have a car, a television and a fridge. Do disadvantages of this development for society outweigh advantages?"

Question

Em đặt 40' làm bài nhưng không đủ. mọi người chấm hộ em khoảng ở band điểm mấy với ạ, em cảm ơn!!

The development of technology become prevelant in our life. Some people reckon that it can jeopadize the relationship between people but I partly disagree on the following grounds.

Firstly, no sooner do we use a range of devices than we have to pay much money for electric bill and gas each month. Besides, instead of going outside for activities, people have a tend staying at home and watching television a lot. As a result of being introverted and lethargic when they always sit in front of television. However, modern technology can save our time. Thanks to cars, we can move faster and it is very convenient for a long trip. Only after do science grow, the health of people could be improved because of fresh food which are preserved carefully in fridge.

Morover, it is claimed that material things is a culprit of broken relationship between people. Social statistics has shown that the reason of couples break up which make up for 40% is boys cannot meet their girldfriend’s demand about cars or morden devices. On the other hand, televions or phones give us great oppoturnity to connect with other people and the world. Watching news everyday on computers and televisions will expand our knowledge.

Answer 1

mình có góp ý thế này:  bạn k nên đưa số liệu dẫn chứng vào bài viết vì như thế sẽ bị mất điểm "social statistics...devices"
 và introduction nên thêm 1 đoạn nữa nha bạn, đừng nên dùng disagree mà hãy dùng I am convinced hay I am in favour, nó sẽ hay hơn ak b
mình nghĩ nếu bạn có thêm phần kết luận nữa thì được band 5.0 :)

Comments

em cảm ơn ạ, liệu sau 1 tháng em có nâng lên 6.0 kịp ko ạ TT.TT