Mong mọi người giúp đỡ mình ạ

Question

We are all under obligation to conserve the endangered animals. Because  they are becoming extinct. Some people suppose that humans needs for farmland, housing  and industry are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Personally, I disagree with this point of view. The following discussions are my reasons. In the first place, habitats of many animals are being seriously destroyed by people. Actually, they cut down trees, burn forests to have more land for farming. As a result, animals like elephants, birds, mokeys,… lose their food.  Secondly, it is worth poiting out that presence of all animals is essential for a perfect planet. For instance, disappearance of deers will affect the ecosystem balance. Moreover, endangered animals can benefit for the tourism through the national parks additionally. Not mention to     that all species are equal in their right to exist.  To sump up, I seriously recommend that people all over the world should joins hands to save land for endangered animals. 

Answer 1

We are all under obligation to conserve the endangered animals. B ecause  they are becoming extinct. Some people suppose that humans' needs for farmland, housing  and industry usages are more important than saving land for endangered animals. Personally, I disagree with this point of view. The following discussions are my reasons. In the first place, the habitats of many animals are being seriously destroyed by people. Actually, they cut down trees, burn forests to have more land for farming. As a result, animals like elephants, birds, mokeys,… are losing their foodsource.  Secondly, it is worth poiting out that the  presence of all animals is essential for a perfect planet. For instance, the disappearance of deers ? (really?) will affect the ecosystem balance. Moreover, endangered animals can benefit for the tourism through the national parks additionally. Not mention to     that all species are equal in their rights to exist.  To sump up, I seriously recommend that people all over the world should joins hands to save land for endangered animals. 

Nếu đây là một bài ielts writing task 2 thì bạn ko đạt tiêu chuẩn rồi. Chia bố cục không chính xác, ko có sự phân biệt giưa introduction, body and conclusion. Phân tích còn sơ sài và ít. Với mỗi một ý chính bạn nên có một ý phân tích đi theo cho rõ nghĩa

Comments

Mình cám ơn bạn nhiều nhé, đây là bài viết để mình luyện thi thpt quốc gia đó bạn, nhờ bạn chữa giùm mình những bài sau nữa, bạn chữa sao cho phù hợp vời mục đích thi thpt quốc gia của mình