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Question

http://www.ielts-exam.net/academic_writing_samples_task_1/947/

 

 The bar chart illustrated the most common sports played in New Zealand in the 2002. Although most sports in the chart like Netball, Soccer, swimming,... showed significantly drifferent between the two genders but there are still sports like athletics, basketball,... had a relatively equal number of players between the two sex.

 According to the bar chart, the sport that attracted most girl player was netball with the rate of 25 per cent, on the otherhand, netball was the most unattractive sport to the boy with a approximately number of 1 per cent. Also, 10 per cent of boys played cricket but hardly any girls played this game. Most boys interested in Soccer with the rate of 24 per cent, indicates that soccer is clearly boys favourite while soccer only had a 5 per cent from the girls. Other sports like athletics, martial arts,... had less popularity. And a huge number of girls and especially boys said they enjoyed sports which were not mentioned in the chart.

 To end with, the bar chart highlighted the common sports played in New zealand in 2002 with the most popular sport to boys was soccer and to girls was netball. And the most unpopular sport to boys goes to netball and cricket to the girls.

Answer 1

thứ nhất, trong ielts writing thì ko dùng dấu ... cuối câu. với cả, overview thì bạn nên viết ngắn gọn thôi ko cần phải liệt kê hết ra như thế đâu. "but there are still sports like athletics, basketball,... had a relatively equal number of players between the two sex." câu này nên viết tách ra so với câu trước, ko nên để câu ghép sẽ gây rối cho người chấm.

 With a approximately number of 1 per cent nên bỏ number of ⇒ with approximately 1 percent

Ko dùng also ở đầu câu nên thay bằng beside

"And a huge number of girls and especially boys said they enjoyed sports which were not mentioned in the chart". and ko đứng đầu câu đâu, với cả ko dùng câu trần thuật, đây là số liệu đã được thu thập rồi

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