Chào bạn Trang. Nhìn chung thì bài viết của bạn có bố cục tốt, 3 ý luận điểm và support rõ ràng. Tuy nhiên mình thấy có 1 số điểm nho nhỏ mà cần sửa như sau:
1. Competitive Sports là gì? Bạn nên định nghĩa nó rõ ràng từ ban đầu, competitive sports có nguy hiểm không hay chỉ mang tính chất giải trí và thể thao thôi? 3 luận điểm bạn đưa ra là để support cho sports chung chung mà không có speciffy vào 1 competitive sports nào hết. Có thể nó sẽ gây hiểu lầm cho người đọc là bạn đang đi lạc đề.
2. Một chút ngữ pháp thôi:
Competitive sports in schools is now a controversial issue(Whether the schools should include the competitive sports in students' curriculum is now a controversial issue). Many people argue that school sports have negatively impacted students and they should not be offered in schools. However, I believe that sports activities can help students (improve their abilities) in many fields including physical and social ones.
To begin with, it (sport activitties) promotes better health for students. By being involved in sports, students can have chances to practise and do exercises and frequently (and regularly). Therefore, it can help them prevent obesity and many other diseases. Furthermore, research has shown that students who take part in at least one sport can concentrate and do better in class.
Secondly, sports in schools provides a good environment for social interaction. Almost every kind of sports requires players to interact with others including comrades and rivals. Thus, this encourages students to cooperate effectively and also develops many social skills. For example, students can learn how to get on well with each other, how to use strategies or how to solve a problem simultaneously when playing team-sports. Obviously, these skills can help students in many ways in their future.
Lastly, competitive sports helps students to strive to do their best. It would be far more encouraging than any words (elaborate more, what do you mean by words? encouraging, aspiring words?) because people often put more efforts if they have set goals for themselves.
In conclusion, although some people do not agree with the idea of providing sports in schools, I am convinced to think that school sports brings about a number of benefits and it should be available for all students
3. Mình nghĩ bạn nên viết đoạn 3 dài hơn một chút để nó cân bằng với các đoạn trên, theo kinh nghiệm đi thi của mình là như thế.
Thân,
Andy.