Hi there,
1) My comments
Task response: This essay should be better-developed. You stated the examples but you did not add details. For example, in the first paragraph, the first sentence is a thesis statement, followed by an example. However, this example merely replicates the previous idea and does not add more information or tries to explain further. About the solutions, I am not convinced by your arguments because they are quite general and not explained in a thorough maner. Besides, you did not write about the commercial aspect and the conclusion. I think may be you wrote this essay under time constraint, therefore it affected your control over your writing. (I also have problem with time limitation.)
Coherence and cohesion: Because you did not fully build your arguments, I can not see clearly the overall progression and logics of your ideas.
Lexical resource: You have some good vocabulary. However, there are several word use errors.
Gramatical range and accuracy: You use a rather acceptable range of simple and complex sentences. However, quite a few gramatical errors.
2) I edited your essay as below with some sentences to develop from your ideas in para 1.
It is true that nowadays the children are confronting by confronted with pressures from academic, social and commercial factors. There are a number of reasons behind this point of views and some solutions should be proposed to reduce these pressures.
On academic level, many children are studying many subjects at schools and they can not unbalance with other physical activities. For example, in my country, especially in big cities such as Saigon and Hanoi, there are the majority number of children from 1 to 5 grades are spending more time --> two-third of a week-day for official class hours and supplementary courses and seldomly come home before 8 in the evening. On weekends, they hardly can manage time for extra-curricular involvement because they must deal with homeworks, which are loaded from the whole week. The solution is for that the government decrease pressure to education --> academic pressures for the children by adjusting the national primary school curricular in which in-door and out-door subjects should have a balanced proportion. The children should also be encouraged to physical activities. For example, the children can learn swimming or football at the schools.
On social level, the children was are pressured to pursue a high-paying job after completing their education. If the children want to have a good job when they grown up, they will need to more studies study intensively in order to achieve excellent academic records. This can make children become depressed and cause a reversed effect on their learning capacity. For instance, in my country many companies are required to place high qualifications as one of their top requirements, therefore the children must be taken are forced to earn a good qualifications. To tackle this issue, the government should be implement supported supporting polices which is to create jobs for children with less educational background.
On family level, the children who are pressured from their families who want to their children to be a good person or an expert in the future so they convince them should study harder. This problem could be solved by the families realizing that they can not compulsory compel their children make to do what they want them to. They should encourage their children make to follow with their passions.
Hope you find these comments useful.