Đề thi IELTS Writing task 2 - 19/12/2015 - Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of ...

Question

TOPIC task 2 tuần này ngày 19/12/2015:

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

-------------------------------------------------

 

Hướng dẫn sử dụng trong top Chữa đề IELTS hàng tuần:

Step 1: Click  ở cuối mỗi bài viết được post lên trong top để nhận xét bài viết của các mem khác (ưu tiên những bài chưa có góp ý nào nhé ^^ )

Step 2: Click nút  ở cuối topic này để post bài bạn viết lên. 

Step 2.5: Và đừng quên góp ý cho những bài viết trong mục "Bài chưa có góp ý" để kiếm thêm point nhé :)

Luật của Top:

- Mỗi bạn sẽ post bài viết của mình lên dưới dạng góp ý (+2 point cho mỗi bài viết).

- Các bạn sẽ cùng viết, vote và nhận xét bài lẫn nhau trong Topic này.

- Bài viết nào được vote nhiều nhất sẽ được chọn làm bài viết hay nhất (+4 point).

 

Hạn chót nộp bài sẽ là 12h trưa sáng thứ 7 tuần này nhé :)

Have fun !

--------------------

 

Answer 1

Children in this day and age are being under an increasingly higher pressure in academic, social and commercial aspects. Reasons for this vary and solutions needed to be adopted to combat the issue.

Firstly, there has been a mismatching in the expected and practical results of learner-centered method applied to developing countries from those ones with academic prestige. Despite a similar high-quality system, lecturer’s and student’s limited abilities have led to ineffective education there. Secondly, social evils tend to rise dramatically as the increasing influence of entertainment to education via the internet. In other words, student is in a higher risk of being harmful by negative products during processes of searching for information to study. Finally, because of the global economic depression, it is hard for every family to earn a living, so students are studying to satisfy family’s commercial trying instead of academic requirements.

However, several measures can be done to tackle the problems. Each nation should adapt flexibly appropriate programs and methods from experienced countries instead of blindly applying them. Once there is no sudden significant change on teaching methods or academic requirements, student will have enough time to absorb new things. Additionally, governments should issue more strict punishments for publishing, producing and uploading harmful products, which might effectively reduce the number of social evil cases. Furthermore, every government and business should together help to harmonize each other interest to recover the global economy health. By that, students might have better opportunities to focus on their study merely.

In conclusion, differences between expectations and facts, the rise of social evils and the global economic issue are the main causes why children have to face higher pressures in life. This urges both governments and bussiness to take immediate actions to improve the situation.             

 

(294 words)

Comments

Reasons for this vary and solutions needed to be adopted (needed adopting) to combat the issue.

. Despite a similar high-quality system, lecturer’s and student’s limited abilities have led to ineffective education there. (I get it that you are saying the methods are not applied well enough, however, you need to make it clear here that the methods are bad)

Secondly, social evils tend to rise dramatically as the increasing influence of entertainment to education via the internet. In other words, student is in a higher risk of being harmful by (being exposed to harmful products/ being harmed by negative products) negative products during processes of searching for information to study. (this idea is abit overgeneralizing, can you give an example?)

Finally, because of the global economic depression, it is hard for every family to earn a living, so students are studying to satisfy family’s commercial trying (you mean financial difficulties? Or business commercial? You should explain further the term commercial trying)

 

---

Task achievement: 6.5-7. addresses all part of the tasks, some are more fully covered than others

Coherence and cohesion: 6.5-7 good progression throughout the essay

Resource: 6-6.5, try to use a more clear meaning vocabulary

Grammar: 6.5-7, good control of grammar, try to use some more complex structures

---

Children in this day and age are being under an increasingly higher pressure in academic, social and commercial aspects. Reasons for this vary and solutions needed to be adopted (carried on) to combat the issue (issues).

Firstly, there has been a mismatching in the expected and practical results (mismatch between the expectations and the reality) or (gap in the people expectations and the reality) of (the application of) learner-centered method applied to developing countries from those ones with academic prestige (those developing countries which feature academic prestige). Despite a similar high-quality system, lecturers and students limited abilities have led to ineffective education there. (I may get what you mean. Do you mean quality system is good infrastructure? And does the whole thing means: “although the education in developing countries have good infrastructure as those in developed countries, however, the ability limitation of lecturers and students have led to the ineffectiveness? If I were you, I would clarify the meaning of quality system, limited ability (mental ability?). How limited ability can lead to the infectiveness of education)

Secondly, social evils tend to rise dramatically as the increasing influence of entertainment to (on) education via the internet. (I get some confuse in this sentence, social evils rise due to the influence of entertainment, but I’m not sure about the influence of entertainment on education, because I would think of people are using entertainment in schools as a teaching method).In other words, student is in a higher risk of being harmful by (are exposed to) negative products during processes of searching (while they are searching )for information to study (this may be true that students may search negative products while they study, but they can also search for those negative things even when they do not study) . Finally, because of the global economic depression, it is hard for every family to earn a living, so students are studying to satisfy family’s commercial trying instead of academic requirements (can you explain more about this, what do you mean by students are studying to satisfy family’s commercial trying?)

However, several measures can be done to tackle the problems. Each nation should adapt(adopt) flexibly appropriate programs and methods from (the) experienced countries instead of blindly applying them. Once there is no sudden significant change on teaching methods or academic requirements, student will have enough time to absorb (adapt to the, absorb is ok) new things. Additionally, (the) governments should issue more strict punishments for publishing, producing and uploading harmful products, which might effectively reduce the number of social evil cases. Furthermore, every government and business should together help (each other) to harmonize each other’s interest to recover the global economy health. By that, students might have better opportunities to focus on their study merely.

In conclusion, differences between expectations and facts,(I not sure because I can't search for this phrase on the internet) the rise of social evils and the global economic issue(s) are the main causes why children have to face (with) higher pressures in life. This urges both governments and business( businesses) to take immediate actions (action) to improve the situation.             

 

Thank you for your good writing. There are many good words that I can learn from you, such as: this day and age, increasingly higher pressure in, combat, tackle, earn a living, social evils, urge. In general, you have good ideas, clear structure for me to follow. Besides, I hope that you would further develop your arguments, I’m looking forward to see it in the future . I hope you pay attention to countable and uncountable word. you can search it in Oxford ditionary.

 

Answer 2

Nhờ mọi người sửa giúp. Cảm ơn
 

In recent years, it has become apparent young people suffer more serious pressure due to educational, social and commercial standpoints. This essay will discuss principle reasons for this social phenomenon as well as outline potential solutions.

First of all, although there are several reasons associated with the increase in pressure of young generation, the most significant of which is the over-expectation of parents and society. Recently, because education spending becomes increasingly expensive in most countries, parents have to invest the huge amount of money for their offspring. Therefore, many parents believe that the only duty of children is to fulfill what they expect, frequently including achieving good scores in school and being outstanding in outdoor activities. Furthermore, the knowledge and skills required these days are greater; hence, people need to possess a competitive educational background in order to increase job security. For example, an employer would desire to recruit a doctor who graduated with honors than a student who has mediocre grades. In addition, consumerism is widely recognized as a primary cause. Recently, people are prone to utilize products purchased to judge socioeconomic status and social stratification. Consequently, consumers have to sacrifice significant time and income to buy these expensive merchandises, such as smartphone or clothes while the finance of the overwhelming majority of children depends on their parents’ allowance.

In order to resolve this problem, there are some feasible solutions to be adopted. Firstly, on the nuclear-family level, the most practical one would be to raise awareness of parents about over-expectation. Parents should not pressurize too much into their offspring. Moreover, on the national level, the authorities should improve the curriculum so as to make it more suitable and practical; therefore although the essential knowledge and skills are still provided, students have sufficient time for leisure. Another solution might to recommend that children should be provided with the necessary information about consumerism, so they could understand that judging people by what they buy is not appropriate.

In conclusion, the aforementioned facts illustrate why children are under too much pressure nowadays. However, I am convinced that if the measured suggested above are properly carried out, the situation will improve.

Comments

while the finance of the overwhelming majority of children depends on their parents’ allowance.

 therefore although the essential knowledge and skills are still provided, students have sufficient time for leisure. --> therefore and although should not be used in the same sentence.

-->therefore the essential knowledge and skills are still provided, and students still have leisure time.

Answer 3

19.12.2015 – ielts-vuive.com

Đây là bài viết của mình được giám khảo Mike IELTSanswers.com chấm band 7.5, các bạn tham khảo nha. 

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

The pressures from academic, social and commercial perspectives have become a huge challenge for children nowadays. There are a variety of possible reasons for this, but steps can definitely be taken to tackle the problem.

Firstly, children’s school pressure results from their family. Parental expectations for their children’s success in the future force them to study too much even at a very young age to get the best academic results. Secondly, negative influences from children’s peers could result in their social pressure. It might be stressful and uncomfortable for teenagers to follow others’ wants such as smoking or cheating on tests in terms of pleasing them or avoiding being isolated. Finally, children are under a variety of commercial pressures because they are the main target of many companies’ advertising and marketing campaigns. Young children can be easily attracted by advertisements about food, toys and clothes on TV or magazines and may feel stressed in terms of purchasing these products.

To address the academic pressure on children, parents should support their children’s learning process by encouraging and comforting rather than demanding for their best outcomes. For teenagers’ peer pressure, school and family need to take responsibility for building young people’s self-esteem. It could help them to be aware of their own value and do not feel the need to adapt their view and behaviour to meet the expectations of others. Lastly, the authorities should introduce laws to limit the adverts that are targeting children. Parents could also play a vital role in cutting the effect of commercial pressure on their children by restrict their TV-watching hours.

In conclusion, parents’ expectations, peers’ negative effects and advertising campaigns are among the primary reasons for the rise in heavy pressures on children these days, and the problems could be solved by a variety of measures from parents, schools and the authorities.

(307 words)

Band 7.5 (by IELTSanswers.com)

Written by Quang Sang

Comments

Trời bài bạn viết hay quá rất sáng sủa và mạch lạc, bài này band >8.0, nhưng mình ko hiểu mở đầu đoạn body 1 và 2 tại sao bạn ko thêm 1 câu dẫn tổng quát thì hay hơn là vào giải quyết thẳng từng vđ. Mình đoán bạn chắc phải là thầy giáo dạy tiếng anh hoặc sv trường ngoại ngữ.

---

Dạ mình hiện là giáo viên anh văn ạ, cảm ơn góp ý của bạn, mình thích đi thẳng vào vấn đề để bài viết được cô đọng nhất và giám khảo cũng sẽ dễ dàng nắm được ý của bài.

Thân.

---

Bạn ơi, cho mình hỏi về ý commercial perspectives được không? mình đọc thì hiểu nghĩa, nhưng ko hiểu nội dung, sao vấn đề áp lực thương mại lại là do quảng cáo nhỉ?

---

Vâng, áp lực thương mại theo mình nghĩ là do các chiến dịch quảng cáo của nhiều công ty nhằm vào đối tượng chính là trẻ em, việc xem nhiều quảng cáo về các sản phẩm như đồ chơi, thức ăn, quần áo làm cho trẻ em chịu áp lực lớn vì có quá nhiều thứ muốn chúng muốn mua. ^^

Answer 4

Hi everyone, I am posting my own essay answerign this question. I am looking for your comments and feedback. Thanks in advance   

 

Children are among the people who are suffering pressures from academic, social and commercial expectations. While reasons for the pressures vary, certain measures should be implemented to create a better balance for children to grow.

The pressures over children could derive from their parents, their society and the commercial media. From the parental viewpoint, children are usually expected to gain academic achievements such as ranking the top in their class or passing various exams which they may not be interested in. High academic expectations from parents are the source of stress for schoolboys and schoolgirls who cannot get good academic results. In addition, children also get stressed about some criteria anonymously set by our society on how a child should be. It is likely that the society only accepts a child only when he or she is smart and talented at art, sports, music and etc. Last but not least, every day commercial media is affecting children in a stressful way which challenges children to get all the advertised products such as toys and snacks. As a consequence, kids will experience pressure or even depression if they can’t obtain those things.

Based on the understanding of causes for the pressures, several solutions can be taken to solve the problem. Parents should be the ones who understand children’s academic strengths, weaknesses and potentials so as to appropriately praise and encourage their kids to reach their full potentials. Moreover, parents and schools should work closely to help young kids to identify their talents, interest and develop towards what they are good at and interested in. All children should be educated to be aware of their uniqueness and value, thus avoid being stressed out by social stereotypes and prejudices. Regarding effects from media, children should be prevented from watching too much commercials and explained about the sales purpose of advertisements.

To sum up, it can be seen that children are experiencing a wide range of academic, social and commercial pressures. To reduce the pressures, children should be provided with a friendly and comfortable environment where they will develop at their own pace under basic support and instructions from parents and schools. 

Comments

Children are among the people who are suffering pressures from academic, social and commercial expectations. While reasons for the pressures vary (Mình ko hiểu câu này muốn nói gì, ý rất confused mình), certain measures should be implemented to create a better balance for children to grow.

The pressures over children could derive from their parents, their society and the commercial media. From the parental viewpoint, children are usually expected to gain academic achievements such as ranking the top in their class or passing various exams which they may not be interested in. High academic expectations from parents are the source of stress for schoolboys and schoolgirls who cannot get good academic results. In addition, children also get stressed about some criteria anonymously set by our society on how a child should be (bạn dùng từ anonymously khiến cho câu này không rõ, chắc ý bạn muốn trình bày là những đứa trẻ cảm thấy stressed bởi xã hội đưa ra những tiêu chuẩn mà đưa trẻ phải tuân theo. thay vì trình bày thế, bạn có thể tham khảo ý mình xem có rõ hơn không "Besides, children's community created a variety of conditions in conducting behaviors what enforces youngsters to abide by). It is likely that the society only accepts a child only when he or she is smart and talented at art, sports, music and etc. Last but not least, every day commercial media is daily affecting children in a stressful way which challenges children to get all the advertised products such as toys and snacks. As a consequence, kids will experience pressure or even depression if they can’t obtain those things. (HÌnh như câu này hơi contradiction với đề bài)

Based on the understanding of causes for the pressures, several solutions can be taken to solve the problem. Parents should be the ones who understand children’s academic strengths, weaknesses and potentials so as to appropriately praise and encourage their kids to reach their full potentials. Moreover, parents and schools should work closely to help young kids to identify their talents, interest and develop towards what they are good at and interested in (Bạn viết cứ xoay quanh talent rồi potential, lặp lại giải pháp, đọc có cảm giác sao sao ý). All children should be educated to be aware of their uniqueness and value, thus avoid being stressed out by social stereotypes and prejudices (bạn có thể tách thành hai câu chứ bạn ghi như vậy là rất cụt câu hoặc bạn viết link ý lại với nhau). Regarding effects from media, children should be prevented from watching too much commercials and explained about the sales purpose of advertisements. (Bạn dùng các mạo từ một cách "bất chấp")

To sum up, it can be seen that children are experiencing a wide range of academic, social and commercial pressures. To reduce the pressures, children should be provided with a friendly and comfortable environment where they will develop at their own pace under basic support and instructions from parents and schools. (Đây không phải kết luận mà đây là bạn đang ghi thêm một solution để tackle problem trên).

Hi vọng bạn sẽ tìm thấy gì đó useful. Trân Trọng

Answer 5

Mong mọi người sửa giúp em với ạ. Em xin cảm ơn.

 

It is believed that more and more educational, social and commercial strains are being put on children. Although the causes of this phenomenon are variable, these pressures can be significantly reduced by some effective measurements.

The issue that being increasingly stressed is popular these days with children can be attributed to several factors. For one thing, living in the world of geniuses and huge achievements, parents inevitably wish their offspring to fulfill bigger dreams. Failing to meet parental expectations leads children to anxiety and depressions. Moreover, the career market is growing in an aggressively competitive way. In order to hold a decent job, youngsters must endeavor to perform well academically and socially. Similarly, commercial perspective also contributes to children’s increasing pressures. As advertisements mostly target children, they tend to exploit this group to increase sales.

Some urgent actions can be taken to tackle the problem aforementioned. With respect to family, parents should always support their children in studying, but not show too many expectations  from them. Consequently, children can thrive naturally and regard schooling as pleasure. It is also important to highlight that youngsters be acknowledged that learning is not the only way to success. Many people achieve huge goals without receiving proper education. For instance, Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Havard university to pursue his work on an application. Having been called crazy, now he is the CEO of Facebook and is one of the richest men in the world. Last but not least, the advertisement coverage on TV is suggested to be dramatically reduced. Likewise, it should avoid broadcasting in public places.

In a nutshell, children are being placed under increasingly intensive pressures on academic, social and commercial fields. Measurements should be taken as soon as possible to alleviate this distressing situation.

Comments

Similarly, commercial perspective also contributes to children’s increasing pressures. As advertisements mostly target children, they tend to exploit this group to increase sales --> I think you should elaborate more on this point, how does commercial ads exploit on youngster? what are the effects - good/bad?.

It is also important to highlight that youngsters be acknowledged that learning is not the only way to success

--> I think you should use the word "studying" instead of "learning" in this sentence. Why? Because studying is like going to college and get a degree, learning is a bigger term. Learning is something you have to keep up always when you are still alive, it's not just learning in school but also in other aspects of life too.

And also, people are successful because they learn in their own way, it is not the education that matters but the person. Therefore, I think your argument about "children should be acknowledged that studying is not the way to success" is really weak. Plus, saying such thing too children and the example about Fb's CEO does not solve the problems of children becoming a victim of educational pressures. Rather, it will make more children drop out of school.

Answer 6

Nhờ mọi người sửa giúp, và cho điểm giúp e.

It is obvious that children in the modern world are confronting increased challenges and stress from education, society and business. This debatable issue could be attributed to a variety of causes and there are some possible solutions to handle this problem.

To begin with, there are several elements responsible for this phenomenon. Firstly, today stiff competition has lead to more stress, and children might undergo a challenging time. To be more specific, students have to against their peer to gain admission to the top-ranking academic institutions. Additionally, the high expectation from their parents and society about students who should study harder to guarantee a successful career after graduating from university. For example, because some parents believe that children just spend much time studying hard, they can easily to earn money or find good jobs in the future.  Finally, there are many commercial brands harness children to promote their trademark, based on which they are able to boost their sales. This makes children who need much time to entertain rather than under pressure from various sides.

However, some feasible measures could be used to tackle this problem. The first suggestion is that children should be well taught to maintain harmonious relations with their peers, so schools will have a friendly learning environment. This might allow students to alleviate stress and pressure from parents and society. Furthermore, parents should pay attention to teaching their children to understand the value of failure and the genuine meaning of success in life. To illustrate, an example of people who succeed in society is more likely to help children to change their attitude towards life, and consequently, lead a less stressful lifestyle.

In conclusion, the pressure of children is getting worse because of some reasons from educational, social and commercial, so there should be some possible solutions for this serious problem.

Comments

business -> consumerism

competition has lead --> has led

have to against --> have to compete against

Additionally, the high expectation from their parents and society about students who should study harder to guarantee a successful career after graduating from university --> This sentence is grammatically fragile. I dont see a clear structure of subject, verb here.

Finally, there are many commercial brands harness children to promote their trademark, based on which they are able to boost their sales. This makes children who need much time to entertain rather than under pressure from various sides.

-> What does this imply? I mean, the expressions dont have clear meaning here. Why "children who need much time to entertain rather than under pressure from various sides" can create pressure for children?

Furthermore, parents should pay attention to teaching their children to understand the value of failure and the genuine meaning of success in life --> I think you mentioned in the previous paragraph that expectation from parents can make the children feel stressed. Thus, I dont think this solution will work, because the problem itself comes from parents. If the parents dont change their mind that studying is not the only way to get successful, how can they teach the children the value of failure?

Answer 7

Contentious debates over the past few years have resolved around the several pressures that children in the modern age are facing in terms of learning, society and commerce. This results from the changes in every facet of daily life. Although there remain many controversial viewpoints when it comes to this issue, the culprits of this problem are going to be analysed in this essay before my suggestion presented.

 

To begin with, social backgrounds have been alledged to be considered as a contributory factor. For clarification, the vicious competition are being exerted more difficult than ever, coupled with the development of the community as well as humankind. Hence, the fact that the young generations confront with more tension is incontrovertible, offering the deepest sympathy on this public concerns. However, the social shifts toward forwarding trend with the enhancement of living standards are also praiseworthy.

 

Another justification lies in the academic criteria with the advent of parental expectation. To be more specific, the necessary point to be made is to gain the hope of the aged, there is a widespread consensus that there should be no sense of the young’s inferiority. Thus, this also places a primary onus on their studying as well as directly puts more strain on them. Unfortunately, in this case, their freedom and rights would be intruded to some extent.

 

To alleviate the considerable pressure in this situation, the subjective factors should be prioritized. Firstly, there should be more room for the respect for the children’s rights coming from the society and, especially, their parents. Secondly, a healthy living environment should be assured by the government by providing the equal developing opportunities for the young generations. On the top of that, people should have a holistic approach to this problem before giving any suggestions and measures as well.

 

In conclusion, I am of the opinion that every issue has a variety of causes. Consequently, seeking the optimum strategies is by no means straightforward, which requires patience and careful consideration of all aspects. However, under any circumstances, one thing should be borne in mind that with great effort and determination, nothing is impossible.

 

Answer 8

TOPIC task 2 tuần này ngày 19/12/2015:

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

 

Nowadays, an overwhelming amount of stress from school, society and commercialization are considered to be children 's burdens in both developed and developing countries.This heated issue are concerned from not only educationalists but also the general public.To be specific, this essay will discuss about the causes and solutions needed to combat this problem.

 

Generally,children are indirect victims of this situation as a result of different factors.Firstly,parents 's perspectives and thoughts of children has changed with some growing expectations and hopes.Consequently,children are encouraged to go to extra class and study harder to obtain higher scores and the first position at school instead of developing social skills through outdoor activities.Secondly, there are an increasingly number of lessons in each subject compared to the past so teenagers have no choice but to attend more classes if they want to fulfill their duties and dreams.In addition children are an important target of marketing practices which put much pressure on them

 

I think there are many measures that could be taken to raise the standard of the situation. Typically, school could provide more homework as projects or teamworks to teach their student about realistic office work and help them understand each other.For example, students could do many experiments and write revision notes rather than giving hard theories in terms of physic and chemistry. Another effective solution is to creat a free zones at school where students could be rescued from commercial affect.

 

In conclusion, i think that if governments and educationalist work hand on hand, we can save children from such a lot of pressure and create freedom world for them