Mình mới tập viết,các bạn giúp đỡ : it is not neccesary to travel to other places to learn the culture of other peoplle we can leran just as much from books, films Do you agree or disagree?
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it is argued that traveling is not essential with some people to gain knodledges , some people can learn from, films and the internet. While i accept that books and the internet bring more advantages but i believe that learing from reality are better.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that books, films and the internet bring a lot of advantages. Firstly, replacing buy a ticket to travel, people can buy a books or read magazines or watch movies, saving a great deal of money to do something important. Secondly, sources information from books and the internet are huge and very wide range with many kinds to choices. For example, if you want to explore a new coutries, you will buy a book about this countries, or watch a movies about culture or people’s characteristist which are living this country.

On another hand, there are many variety why some people choice travel. one reason is that traveling bring a lot of valuable experiences though trips. For instance, you have ever heard about Halong bay which is one of 7 new wonder of the world, you could see Halong’s picture though film datas , magazines, but you can not imagine how is beatiful, with small island  floating in a green beach. Besides that, though the trips, you have countless to add new freinds, and may be they will help or support when traveling with them and good chances to advertise about your countries with many friends.

in conclusion, while i support this ideas that books, the internet could bring to people learn different actual aspect, but i believe that tourist want to discover life style in reality.
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Ở bài chữa này, mình chỉ chữa lỗi cơ bản của bạn về ngữ pháp, từ vựng, dùng từ, và viết lại câu theo ý tưởng của bạn để bạn biết được những cách hay ho hơn về diễn đạt ý. Bài chữa không theo khung IELTS về cách dùng từ ngữ, cấu trúc ngữ pháp cũng như cách hành văn, support ý. Bạn tham khảo nhé:

1. It is argued that traveling is not might not be essential with some people to gain knodledges knowledge, some people can learn from films and the internet.

 [Rewrite: It is widely acknowledged that people can discover the other cultures by many ways, not only by travelling but also by reading books, watching films or searching the Internet.]

2. While i I accept that books and the internet can bring more many advantages, but i I believe that learing learning from reality are is better.

(Comment: ý kiến của bạn ở đây là cho rằng việc học từ thực tế tốt hơn? Nếu bạn cho rằng đi du lịch để khám phá văn hóa tốt hơn thì nên nói rõ là đi du lịch luôn và đoạn thân bài phải support cho quan điểm của bạn)

[Rewrite: However, in my view, it can be better to devote themselves on travelling to explore new countries.]

3. On the one hand, it is undeniable that books, films and the internet bring a lot of a range of/ a series of/ a number of advantages.

(Comment: Cần nói rõ là lợi ích trong việc khám phá văn hóa)

[Rewrite: It is undeniable that books, films or online information can be an easiest and the most convenient way to understand about new countries.]

4. Firstly, replacing Instead of buying a ticket to travel, people can buy a books or read magazines or watch movies, saving a great deal of money to do something important.

(Comment: Có chắc mua sách rẻ hơn mua vé đi du lịch không? Kaka)

[Rewrite: Firstly, people can save a great deal of money by purchasing books, magazines or CDs instead of spending much more money to buy a ticket for travelling in some extent]

5. Secondly, sources information information sources  from books and the internet are huge and very wide range with many kinds to choices.

[Rewrite: Secondly, There are many different kinds of information from books or the internet which can be inappropriate or even improper]

6. For example, if you want to explore a new coutries countries, you will buy a book about this countries, or watch a movies about culture or people’s characteristist characteristic which are living this country.

(Comment:Ví dụ này của bạn chả support gì cho ý trước đó của bạn cả)

7. On another hand, there are many variety why some people choice travel.

(Comment: Câu cú sai hết)

[Rewrite: On the other hand, there are a number of reason why some people desire to discover new countries by travelling]

8. one reason is that traveling bring a lot of valuable experiences though trips.

(Comment: Mình gạch bỏ “through trip” vì trùng với travelling ở trước rồi)

[Rewrite: Firstly, many more valuable experiences can be achieved by travelling]

9. For instance, you have ever heard about Halong bay which is one of 7 seven new wonder of the world, you could see Halong’s picture though film datas , magazines, but you can not cannot imagine how is beautiful beautiful, with small island  floating in a green beach.

(Comment: Ví dụ này không có support cho ý tưởng của bạn ở câu trên

Ha Long được công nhận là wonder of the world lâu rồi nên năm 2015 không nên nói là “new”)

10. Besides that, though through the trips, you have countless to add new freinds, and may be they will help or support when traveling with them and good chances to advertise about your countries with many friends.
(Comment: Không hiểu được ý của bạn lắm và nó không support cho side thứ hai này lắm)


11. In In conclusion, while i support this the idea that books, the internet could bring to people learn different actual aspect, but i believe that tourist want to discover life style in reality.

My suggestion: Bạn nên củng cố trước hết ngữ pháp và từ vựng cơ bản, khoan đã vội lắp ghép vào bài viết Essay nhé! Hãy tập viết câu đúng, chuẩn ngữ pháp, diễn đạt rõ ý tứ rồi mới đến luyện viết toàn bài. Điều quan trọng là thường xuyên luyện tập nhé!

Chúc bạn thành công!

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