Some people think that parents should teach children how to be a good member of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views - 30/07/2014

Question

Education has never stop being a matter of concern to the community. Many people advocated that it's the parents' duty to teach their children becoming good members of society. The others, on contrary, claim the teaching as the school's responsibility. It can't be denied the importance of family to each and every person, which should make parent be the first to relate to a child's development. Being raised in the protection of parents, they will certainly receive full attention and carig environment in both mental and physical sides. In fact, parent is considered the first institute to enlighten them about some essential and fundamental neccessities. Hence, parents will be marked as a reliable benchmark for their children to hinge on. With a full time keeping eyes on their offsprings, parents will help them aware of their negativity, keep their darkness in check by increasing their lights. Accordingly, children can shape their perculiarity, develop right manners and behaviors. On the other hand, school provides children a very close environment to the real world. Through activities such as playing, sharing, communicating, co-operating..., children are taught qualified knowledge and trained how to be a part of a group, as well as enhance their own abilities. This is, needless to say, a good way helping them get rid of their conceit and ego, gain life experiences and social skills in order to become a more mature and responsible person. That is to say that this step is an imperative role in forming a person in the future. All things considered, the combination of both views is the best way for children to develop comprehensively. Every child deserves full attention by school and parents.

Answer 1

Cau truc advocate st/doing st nhe. Nhung trong truong hop nay minh nghi ban nen viet don gian hon, khong nen viet phuc tap qua. Ban co the dung whilesome people feel/believe that children should be taught by............., the other....

Cau truc claim as.... to khong chac no dung dung.

- Ban nen viet ro 3 phan ra va neu ro quan diem " In my opinion, agree or disagree nhe"

-  Bai viet cua ban duong nhu ngan va chua ro 4 body cua mot bai essay.

- Ban dung nhung tu vung qua phuc tap nhung khong dung dung cach.Vd: Accordingly thay bang Therefore se tot hon.

Comments

Education has never stop being (becoming) a matter of concern to the community. (Many people advocated ( believe) that it's the parents' duty to teach their children becoming good members of society. The others, on contrary, claim the teaching as the school's responsibility.) Ban nen ket hop hai cau nay dung cau truc While some people…….the other……) It can't (tieng anh hoc thuat khong duoc viet tat ) be denied the importance of family to each and every ( cross out) person, which should make parent be the first to relate to a child's development. ( Nhung phan minh gach do la ban dung sai tu. Theo minh nghi ban nen viet ro rang ra su dung cau truc “ In my opinion” Being raised in the protection of parents, they will certainly receive full attention and carig environment in both mental and physical sides. In fact, parent is considered the first institute( what do you mean by using that words. Try to make it more simple because if you don’t know how to use the words correctly, it would be more harmful ) to enlighten them about some essential and fundamental neccessities. Hence, parents will be marked as a reliable benchmark for their children to hinge on (suggest.alternative structures : parents play an important role in. ). With ……..a full time keeping eyes on their offsprings, parents will help them aware of their negativity, keep their darkness in check by increasing their lights.(cross out) Accordingly( Therefore), children can shape their perculiarity,(????? Use another words) develop right manners and behaviors. On the other hand, school also provides children a very close environment to the real world ( addd the benefits of school to teach children becoming good citizens). Through activities such as playing, sharing, communicating, co-operating..., children are taught qualified knowledge and ( cross out) trained how to be a part of a group, as well as enhance their own abilities. This is, needless to say, a good way helping them get rid of their conceit and ego, ( connectives) gain life experiences and social skills in order to become a more mature and responsible person. That is to say that this step is an imperative role in forming a person in the future. All things considered ( for the reasons mentioned above), the combination of both views ( not clear ) is the best way for children to develop comprehensively. Every child deserves full attention by both school and parent Comments: I can see that you are trying to use a lot of academic words but they are used wrongly and didn’t make your essay become better. Try to be more simple and don’t misunderstand that the more academic words you use, the higher scores you get. Try to be more simple. - Coherence and cohesion: Your ideas are not clear and fully developed. You should have 4 body: Introduction, ( state your opinion that parents play the main role….) body 1: explain it. Body 2 state that although parents play an important role in training their children to become a good citizen, schools also provide them necessary knowledge and skills ……….. conclusion : restate your opinion, prediction. - Grammar: You try to use complex grammar but you use it wrongly. Try to be more simple

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cảm ơn bạn nhiều lắm đã sửa cho mình :d rất mong được học hỏi thêm :d

Answer 2

Từ vựng của bạn hay quá, dồi dào, dùng hợp lí. Ý tưởng diễn đạt rõ ràng lưu loát. Lưu ý không dùng thể tút gọn động từ: can't, isn't etc. Ko dùng dấu 3 chấm. Lay-out phải chia đoạn rõ ràng.

 

  Education has never stop being a matter of concern to the community. Many people advocated that it should be the parents' duty to teach their children becoming good members of society. Others, on the contrary, claim the teaching is the school's responsibility. It cannot be denied the importance of family to each individual, which should make parents be the first to relate to a child's development.  

     Being raised under the protection of parents, they will certainly receive full attention and caring environment in both mental and physical sides. In fact, parents are considered the first institute to enlighten them => lạm dụng reference, them nào? about essential and fundamental neccessities neccessities bản thân nó đã mang nghĩa essential và fundamental rồi . Hence, parents will be marked as a reliable benchmark for their children to hinge on. With a full time keeping eyes on their offsprings, parents can help them aware of their negativity, and keep their darkness in check by increasing their lights. Accordingly, children can shape their perculiarity, and develop right manners and behaviors.

   On the other hand, school should provide children a close outlook on the real world. Through activities such as playing, sharing, communicating, co-operating..., children are taught qualified knowledge and trained how to be a part of a group, as well as enhance their own abilities câu này ko được cái vế enhance their own abilities là vẫn đính kém với through activities such as.. chỉ là thành phần trạng ngữ làm sao mà thêm động từ luôn được. This is, needless to say, a good way helping them get rid of their conceit and ego, gain life experiences and social skills in order to become a more mature and responsible person. That is to say that this step is an imperative role in forming a person in the future.

    All things considered, the combination of both views is the best way for children to develop comprehensively. Every child deserves full attention by schools and parents.

Comments

T ĐỌC BÀI COMMENT CỦA  trangphamm50 .RẤT CỪ.HẲN BẠN CÓ LEVEL RẤT CAO & HAVE A LOT EXPERIENCE

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mình cảm ơn :d mong được học hỏi thêm từ bạn :d

Answer 3

Mình thấy bạn nên chia ra đâu là introduction, body, và conclusion. Hãy làm thế vì giám khảo sẽ chấm hàng trăm bài, ko có lý do gì để họ tập trng bài của bạn lâu chỉ để luận ra từng phần :D

Answer 4

Mình góp ý thế này nhé.

1. Bài của bạn mắc một số lỗi chính tả và cấu trúc. VD như:

- Education has never stop being a matter of concern to the community => has...stopped...

- .... teach their children becoming .... => to become

-  on contrary => on the contrary

- claim the teaching as... => đoạn này mình thấy không phù hợp lắm , có thể sửa là : ..claim the school for the teaching...

- parent is considered the first institute=> từ " institute" chỗ này mình không hiểu bạn dùng với nghĩa gì, có vẻ không sáng nghĩa lắm.

-Accordingly, children can shape their perculiarity, develop right manners and behaviors. => Từ này bạn dùng không hợp lắm.

etc.

2. Bạn không nên viết tắt một số từ: it's,... ( cái này chắc mọi người đã góp ý rồi)

3. Bạn nên chia rõ 3 phần: Mở, thân, kết.

4. Vốn từ của bạn khá tốt, tuy nhiên mình cảm thấy như bạn cố gắng chèn càng nhiều từ hay vào bài càng tốt hay sao vậy, trong khi đó sự kết hợp từ và chuyển ý giữa các câu có vẻ khá gượng gạo. Đọc bài bạn không được trôi chảy lắm, nhiều chỗ khá lủng củng.

5. Ý của bạn không được rõ cho lắm. Nhiều chỗ chỉ cùng một ý nhưng bạn viết hơi dài dòng.

It can't be denied the importance of family to each and every person, which should make parent be the first to relate to a child's development. Being raised in the protection of parents, they will certainly receive full attention and carig environment in both mental and physical sides. In fact, parent is considered the first institute to enlighten them about some essential and fundamental neccessities. Hence, parents will be marked as a reliable benchmark for their children to hinge on. With a full time keeping eyes on their offsprings, parents will help them aware of their negativity, keep their darkness in check by increasing their lights. Accordingly, children can shape their perculiarity, develop right manners and behaviors.

=> Đoạn này bạn diễn giải dài quá. Theo như mình thấy đề bài hỏi : Cha mẹ nên là người dạy những đứa trẻ trở thành thành phần tốt của xã hội" thì bạn nên tập trung theo hướng cha mẹ dạy con những gì để trở thành " member of society". Ở đoạn trên mình chỉ thấy vấn đề cha mẹ ảnh hưởng thế nào lên con cái chung chung chứ chưa cụ thể lắm. Đến câu mình bôi đỏ thì mới thấy được ý chính của bạn.

 Dù sao thì bài bạn có ưu điểm là vốn từ tốt, rộng ( Cái này mình cũng phải học hỏi ^^).

Bên trên chỉ là nhận xét cá nhân của mình, chúc bạn học tốt! :))

Answer 5

Đoạn 1. Câu 1 hơi thừa nhưng thừa là vì câu 2 và 3 quá dài. Bạn có kiểu mở bài y như mình:

Dẫn đề. Quan điểm (nêu cả 2). Câu chốt của bài.

 

Câu 2 và 3 bạn nên nối bằng however thay vì tách riêng.

Còn câu 4, câu chốt, bạn nên học cách viết của Simon, nêu thẳng vấn đề. Cách viết của bạn có thể bị coi là nói lòng vòng không đi vào vấn đề cần nói.

In my view, parents should take charge of this fundamental concern while schools could contribute considerable help as well.

.

Một ví dụ của Simon này, dẫn thẳng vào luôn nên không bị lo lặp từ.

People have different views about whether we are more or less dependent on others nowadays. In my view, modern life forces us to be more independent than people were in the past.