Should smoking be banned in public areas?

Question

Because smoking in the public places is not banned by government, many smokers feel free to use their 

 

cigarettes at stations, bus stops, parks, even offices. Some people think that is normal and one of the 

 

special requirements of smokers. Others, including me, find that is impolite and annoying. In this essay, I 

 

will give some reasons and evidences to support my ideas.

 

First of all, that the smoke from cigarettes has a bad smell makes some people unlike it. For example, 

 

some couples break up because that the girls cannot stand the smell from their boyfriends who are 

 

smokers. This issue occurs at office as well. In addition, cigarettes are very harmful to the smokers, even 

 

non- smokers. Especially, if there is a pregnant woman in the smoking zone in the park with you, the 

 

baby is also able to be impacted that will ensue some releases when they grow up. 

 

Secondly, smokers will spend tons of money to buy cigarettes without any benefits. Instead of that, this 

 

money can be saved to face with some sudden accidents that you can get at near future. Furthermore, 

 

children can be affected when they see their daddy smoking. Then, it will create a bad habit from 

 

generation to generation. Besides that, some people depends on smoking habit to estimate the smokers  

 

. For instance, your boss will find that you are a worker who addict to cigarettes.

 

In conclusion, people should avoid smoking as much as possible, especially in the public places. In my 

 

opinion, I think that smoking in the public places will not only effect on you but also other people

Answer 1

Hi bạn. Mình góp ý cho bạn như thế này

1. Về mở bài : public places không có " the ".

Nếu có "  essay " thì sẽ không có " I " => Bạn có thể viết là this essays will provide some reasons and evidences to support my ideas. 

Không dùng từ give để viết give reasons/ evidences trong introduction

2. Mình đọc bài của bạn, hiểu ý bạn muốn dùng " that " đầu mỗi câu. Nhưng vậy là không đúng. Ví dụ một vài cái như là

" that the smoke from cigarettes has a bad smell makes some people unlike it " => Sửa lại là the smoke ...that makes...

some couples break up because that the girls cannot stand the smell from their boyfriends who are smokers => câu này chỗ " because that " chắc là bạn muốn nói " bởi vì rằng" nhưng viết vậy không đúng. Bạn nên lược bỏ chữ " that " đó.

 

Cấu trúc có as well cuối câu rất informal, nên không dùng trong writing

 

3. Bạn lập từ nhiều. Ví dụ như smoke, smoker

 

4. Cách dùng từ sai. Ví dụ :

spend tons of money to buy cigarettes => spend có 2 cách dùng : spend time/money on sth hoặc spend time/money doing sth

 

5. Essay của bạn chưa trả lời được câu hỏi của đề. Điều bạn viết trong mở bài và thân bài đều là mọi người nên tránh hút thuốc nơi công cộng, trong khi đề yêu cầu là hút thuốc nơi công cộng có nên bị cấm hay không