mong là sẽ nhận được góp ý của mọi người :D

Question

Topic: Some people claim that there are more disadvantages of the car than its advantages. Do you agree or disagree?

 

In recent years, the world has seen a dramatical increase in the number of people using cars as their main vehicle due to the rapid industrialization. Although cars bring us certain advantages, it seems to me that the drawbacks are increasingly likely to outweigh the benefits.

First of all, the major problem of pollution caused by cars is undeniably serious in big cities nowadays. To be more specific, cars discharge exhaust including carbon dioxide, which deteriorates greenhouse effect and causes air pollution. For example, the amount of car exhaust in the atmosphere in Hongkong, China has risen to an alarming amount that the city has been rated as one of the most polluted area in the world. Citizens are suffering the condition while the government is making a lot of effort to mitigate the number of cars on the street.

Secondly, although it is true that cars make transportation easier, they also contribute to the laziness of people. This kind of vehicle has destroyed positive habits such as riding bikes or walking, which used to be popular among the society. People these days are becoming more reliant on this automobile that they are spending less time to exercise themselves than before, which results in the increase of obesity, as well as other illnesses concerning to the reduction of outdoor activities. Moreover, cars also take up too much space, which could make riding bikes or walking more difficult in big cities because the streets are packed with cars.

In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that the disadvantages of cars outweigh the benefits. This is because of pollution and the reduction of positive activities.

(275 words)

Answer 1

the answer fully addresses the question and a clear opinion is presented with relevants ideas to support it. paragraphing is generally logical and ideas are well linked. the range of vocabulary is relevent at this level, errors in grammar are distracting at time, but rarely cause problems for readers. overall, a very good essay.

Comments

thank you very much

Answer 2

Generally, I really appreciate your writing style, simple but coherent and taut. However there are still some sentenses i think irrelevant and redundant
(Citizens are suffering the condition while the government is making a lot of effort to mitigate the number of cars on the street => this sentence is too general and does not really put an emphasis on the dire consequences of the problem
;  Moreover, cars also take up too much space, which could make riding bikes or walking more difficult in big cities because the streets are packed with cars.=> this one is also not relevant to the idea of the whole paragraph)
 There are a few grammatical mistakes: concerning st not concerning to st; People these days are becoming more reliant on this automobile that they are spending less time to exercise themselves than before=> pay attention to so-that structure.
 For example, the amount of car exhaust in the atmosphere in Hongkong, China has risen to an alarming amount that => the word "amount" is repeated.
Although cars bring us certain advantages, it seems to me that the drawbacks are increasingly likely to outweigh the benefits.I strongly believe that the disadvantages of cars outweigh the benefits. => you should paraphrase the problem.
This is because of pollution and the reduction of positive activities.=> i think you should remove this sentence.
anyway, this is a good essay

Comments

thanks for your comment :)